Thoughts on asking Father/Dad for your hand?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
4548 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

kmmq72 :  I think these days when people talk about  one partner asking parents for permission to marry, they really mean asking for their blessing and giving them a heads up that its happening. I only ever heard of one person having having a hard time with this where the parents actually got confused and read it as permission not as a ‘I want your blessing’. The poor guy spent 4 hours fielding really difficult and personal questions and being told he wasn’t worthy of their daughter.

If you have any doubt as to whether your parents will support you and make this difficult then I’d tell your boyfriend to skip that step because at the end of the day you will marry him despite any disapproval you may receive.   

 

Post # 47
Member
14 posts
Newbee

My husband asked for my father’s blessing, I like that tradition. It was more of just a heads up than anything, but it meant a lot to my family. He didn’t ask for proper permission KWIM?

Post # 48
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

els2016 :  “I really don’t get why people get so bothered by this. My husband took my dad out to dinner and talked about me…”

This is why people get bothered about it. Not you, clearly, but for some people, the idea of the two men in their lives going out separately to talk about them and their future – often before the woman under discussion had a chance to weigh in with a straight “yes” or “no” – is a little patronizing.  If blessings are what they’re after, why can’t the pair of them go together to both sets of parents after getting engaged and ask together?  

So yeah, some people like this stuff, but that’s why some people really don’t.

Post # 49
Member
606 posts
Busy bee

My fiance did not ask my father’s permission or their blessing, and quite frankly I would be incensed if he did.  It is sexist, and is predicated on the idea that women need a “guardian” or someone to make decisions for her instead of being able to make decisions for herself.  And if a couple is in need of a parent’s “blessing” it is something that can be gotten by the couple together, not needed by the man before asking.  And lastly, I would be incredibly angry that I wasn’t the person who got to hear the joy in their voice or see the happiness on their faces at the news that I was getting married.  It is something that is extremely exciting for a person to tell their family, and someone else telling their family first takes away from that.

Having just gotten to tell my parents that I was engaged was the best feeling I have ever had.  They were so excited and happy for me, and I got to experience that first hand, not second hand because my fiance had already told them.

Post # 50
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I told him the only man’s permission he needs is this guy’s:

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Post # 51
Member
7186 posts
Busy Beekeeper

My husband took my dad out to dinner and talked about me and wanting to marry me.

Why would I think a gesture like that is essentially treating me as livestock

Sounds like thats exactly what happened lol. Two men, speaking privately without the womenfolk to whom it directly involves, deciding the fate and future. If you don’t find it offensive and love that he did that, wonderful. But if you can’t see why some women (and men) find it offensive just because “tradition”, then thats your own problem. 

Post # 52
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee

Not permission. But he did let them know. My parents are Hispanic and very traditional, so Darling Husband was respectful enough to talk to them about it. My parents knew it was coming at some point anyway! But definitely didn’t ask for permission…that seems silly. We would have gotten married whether or not they gave their ‘permission’. 

 

But I had nothing to worry about anyway. They love my Darling Husband, probably more than they love me honestly lol he’s amazing

Post # 53
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

My SO asked my parents for a blessing tonight but it was more for their benefit than mine. He was so nervous.

Post # 54
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017 - Sauk Valley Resort

Fiance didn’t ask my dad for permission, and honestly, I would have been angry if he had. He isn’t trading me for some chickens and a goat, and I’m not a child. I’m a grown woman and I make my own decisions. Fiance bought my ring and did show it to my parents, but it was more to see if my mom thought I would like it, and kinda just give them a heads up. He didn’t ask, he made his decision and told them what he was doing. I get that some people are super traditional, but I just feel like it makes it seem that we don’t have any say in the matter.

Post # 55
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

This was something I was conflicted about for a long time, but in the end, I asked my fiance to go talk to my parents about his intentions/seek their blessing (NOT permission, never ever permission) because I knew it would mean SO much to my dad and make him happy, and in the end, it was important to me that he have that moment that meant so much to him. Was I incredibly thrilled about the idea? No, but I figured it didn’t bug me enough to deny him that, especially because he’d have been hurt if my fiance hadn’t spoken to them first. 

Post # 57
Member
1924 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

My fiancee asked my parents, it’s a tradition in our culture to ask for permission to date also

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