Thoughts on female coworker/husband relationship?

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

You are not overreacting; he is being a complete asshole. The fact that he is so defensive of it makes it 10x worse.

Post # 3
Member
2574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You’re not overreacting. His defensive/mean response makes me suspect that he knows that the relationship is not appropriate. You have a right to enforce boundaries in your relationship and I see nothing wrong with telling him that long conversations at home after work are not appropriate. 

Post # 5
Member
7885 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Does he talk to anyone else after hours or is she the only one? Imo if he regularly takes calls from co-workers then it doesn’t make sense to focus in on this one person – but if she’s the only one combined with the defensiveness is kind of sketch.

Post # 7
Member
2574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
@svargas:  Him pushing on you that you need to talk to your counselor sounds like gaslighting. Rather than addressing the issue, he’s trying to place the blame on you. 

Post # 8
Member
696 posts
Busy bee

I dont think this is your personal issue, but I would talk to the counselor about it. His behavior is inappropriate. It sounds like possible emotional cheating if not worse. You are right to feel uncomfortable and him being defensive and lashing out is not a good sign. Keep your eyes open.

Post # 9
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

You are not overreacting. And I am not the jealous type–I am fine with my husband going to grab a drink with (mostly) female coworkers after work, or grabbing lunch with a female friend. But, the fact you told him it makes you uncomfortable and he got defensive–nope. If it were truly innocent he would’ve stopped after you told him you weren’t okay with it.  

Post # 10
Member
1654 posts
Bumble bee

His reaction is worse than  the call, imho. Major problem now, if it were me. 

Post # 11
Member
1803 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@svargas:  

You are not overreacting. It’s inappropriate and disrespectful. A recurring behavior? This is a fidelity issue. His anger and defensiveness confirms that he knows he’s in the wrong. Gaslighting is a manipulative and self-centered behavior indicating he intends to continue with his actions. Here’s a thread you should read:

https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/husband-and-work-wife/

And the update:

https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/jen-the-work-wife-update-one-year-later-brief-update/

Post # 12
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee

Here is all you need to know: you told your husband his friendship with another woman was making you uncomfortable and in response he called you names and blamed you. 

Based on that alone, we know the following:
– talking to this woman is more important than making you feel secure
– he doesn’t care how you feel so long as he gets what he wants
– your marriage is in trouble

It’s so obvious this is inappropriate that he even admitted it. This isn’t innocent and he has feelings for her. I would insist he come to a counseling session to address this and if he refuses to work on this with you I’m afraid your marriage won’t last much longer. 

Post # 13
Member
1803 posts
Buzzing bee

Strawberrysakura is more generous than I am. I second her analysis. But having seen this play out–twice with couples I know personally, aside from the Jen the work wife thread I posted a link to–I would not try to drag this gaslighter to therapy. He will likely find ways to twist things around and portray you as insecure and controlling. I wouldn’t give him the opportunity.

His behavior is so unbearably disrespectful. It’s not livable. On top of that, This is infidelity and it’s his second round. I would leave. Stone cold I’d pack my stuff and leave. He doesn’t care that this upsets you. He doesn’t love anyone as much as he loves himself. He’s not marriage material. Being sweet and congenial on his best behavior doesn’t count, especially since now he’s saving it for someone else. And yes, I call this cheating. He doesn’t have to bang her for it to be cheating. A couple I know just divorced after twenty five years of marriage and four kids. Turns out, he’d been having an emotional affair with a co-worker he’d known for ten years. And another marriage went up in flames before my eyes over an emotional affair after three kids and ten years of marriage. Nope. I’d walk. I wouldn’t waste a minute more on this.

Post # 14
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

That is strange! I would be hurt and mad if my husband did that to me! You should not put up with it. It’s weird and insensitive too. You are not insecure at all, nor are you being selfish. You need to either walk away from him or put up with it. He doesn’t sound like he will change. He already blames you for it and thinks you are the issue and not him.

Post # 15
Member
44 posts
Newbee

As much as I would like to say I trust your husband, I have to think somethign is going on here. Is the other woman married? If so, I wonder if he knows, and I am sure he would not appreciate it. It sounds as if your husband does not really respect your feelings about this. I honestly do not know what to say. My thoughts are with you. 

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