Thoughts on female coworker/husband relationship?

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
2133 posts
Buzzing bee

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@svargas:  Ok somehow I missed that this has happened previously. 

This is why it’s so important to take objective stock of your future partner. You never should have married this guy. He showed you who he was and you let words and hope sway you. Now he has continued to be…just who he is. 

The man hasn’t changed. If you want something different, YOU need to change. You need to stop accepting less, stop believing him, and start seeing him clearly. 

I’m sorry but this has never been a good relationship and he has never been a good partner, and neither of those are likely to change because it’s just who he is. Contact close friends, find a job, do whatever you need to do but get out. 

Post # 34
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I did wonder if your partner has other friends and work friends? I do think its really important for couples to have their own friends- its especially nice to have someone you can bitch all about work to who likes to hear all the details. Is he isolated? Its a very lonely time right now, and I really miss being able to complain about work stuff with my work buddies- normally I’m across the hallways from my friends at work and I can just go into their office and let off steam.

The other thing I wonder about is….what if you made an effort to get to know the woman? I have a guy friend from my old job who I got coffee with essentially ever day for 8 years. I also became friends with his wife, and in terms of our relationship I’d say its kind of like my guy friend is maybe like a cousin? and his wife is my cousin in law? If you hate her or you get a weird vibe, sure maybe then its worth exploring, but if he’s truly just bitching about work, can’t you be kind of in the room with them both on speakerphone, and just occasionally participating, getting to know her better. I feel like if you’re truly friends with someone with no hope of anything else then if your partner is like “you know what I want to get to know your friend better!” then the only real response to that is “great, lets all hang out”. Mys husband and I have been to dinner at my friend’s house a bunch of times and I think he finds them a bit annoying but also nice and its just like…there’s no jealousy there. Jealousy to me is about when either the other person is untrustworthy or you are insecure or both.

Again I don’t think you HAVE to do any of this, but I do think men and women can be friends without it being infidelity, and if my husband had made me give up all my guy coworker friends I’d have a lot less friends and it would say he didn’t trust me at all. It’s important to have boundaries- like if he spends more time talking to her than you, or interrupts your plans for her, but are you going to live your whole life policing all of this guy’s friendships with women? Seems really unsustainable. I think if you just can’t trust him then it’s not worth cutting of each friendship as it comes along, you should just go find someone you can actually trust to respect your boundaries and whose friendships don’t make you uneasy. its really not worth having this fight over and over.

 

Post # 35
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee

He already knows that I am one foot in, one foot out and I am very unhappy and do not feel emotionally safe anymore.

You need to bounce right the hell out of this relationship.  Like, yesterday.  And his text from this morning?

Just please understand that it does hurt and make me upset because I see that I am still unworthy of your trust.

You’re goddamn right, because he hasn’t EARNED it.  He’s turning it around on you and making you feel guilty for behavior that wouldn’t fly by anyone’s standards, especially given his pattern of past behavior (which is just – ew).  DO NOT let him get away with it.  This is garbage behavior.

Post # 36
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee

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@svargas:  See, the thing is his complaint about feeling “accused and untrusted” would only work if he was not doing the exact same shit he was doing when he did actually violate your trust!

Save yourself the grief and money spent on therapy. He is not an honest person. He will never be an honest person. He sees no value in honesty.

Post # 38
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@svargas:  just please understand that it does hurt and make me upset because I see that I am still unworthy of your trust. So if it makes you happy and allows us to get along then so be it

 

That is absolute bullshit. He’s laying a guilt trip on you while “offering” to back off, which is something he should WANT to do. He probably assumes you will be too preoccupied soothing his hurt little feelings to take him up on his offer to back off the texting.

 

He is disrespectful and manipulative.  You know these are non starters.

Post # 39
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee

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@19mattituck:  “Again I don’t think you HAVE to do any of this, but I do think men and women can be friends without it being infidelity, and if my husband had made me give up all my guy coworker friends I’d have a lot less friends and it would say he didn’t trust me at all.”

This argument would only work if he had not previously cheated on her with a coworker AND gotten angry in a similar way until he confessed. While I don’t believe you should punish your partner forever for infidelity, you also should not follow the exact same pattern of behaviour from the last time you cheated and expect to be given the benefit of the doubt.

Post # 41
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee

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@svargas:  Both times my husband has had a very close female co worker, he has had sex with them as well.

Bee.  GET THEE OUT OF THERE.  This guy is bad news and will not change – his past behavior is proof positive of that.  I think you know all you need to know.

Post # 42
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@svargas:  So if it makes you happy and allows us to get along then so be it

 

The more I read that line the more it pisses me off. What a damn martyr, giving up a highly inappropriate action- that he really needs– just to make you happy.

 

Text him back and tell him no need to play hero. He can talk to her all he wants, because you’re out.

Post # 43
Member
7353 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’ve asked my husband about this a few times, based on our own relationship and some of the posts I’ve seen here. I am not, by any means, jealous or insecure in my relationship. I also am ABSOLUTELY certain that if a friendship my husband had with anyone else (male or female) was making me uncomfortable, my husband would end it. I know this to be the case because he has done it (once with an ex who became a friend but was more clingy and needy than I was willing to tolerate and another time with a male friend who is a dumpster fire of a human) and whenever I mention these types of posts to him, his response is usually something along the lines of, “He doesn’t respect her or the relationship. She should get out of it.”

The defensiveness your husband displayed is a problem to me. Him attempting to gaslight you is UNACCEPTABLE. The fact that he is bold enough to act like this as though he hasn’t been caught cheating in the past is absolutely mind boggling to me. I don’t know exactly what I would do in your shoes, but I’m pretty sure I’d be talking to my counselor about the aftermath, NOT in an attempt to be okay with a fucked up situation.

Your husband sounds like an asshole, OP.

Post # 44
Member
1743 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Your husband talking to a female coworker is the tip of the iceberg and the least of your problems.

-he was sexting with someone else when you had bought a house together and were engaged. You should have never married him in the first place

-he got confrontational and gaslighting when you confronted him about this. He’s doing the same thing all over again

-he’s controlling. This alone is enough to leave

You’re in a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship and you’re asking if you are right to be upset about his relationship with a coworker (which seems to be a repeat of the past). 

You’re asking the wrong questions. You should be asking how to logistically, financially, emotionally get out and move on from this toxic marriage.

Post # 45
Member
1495 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Everytime I read one of these types of posts it makes me so mad that someone’s husband is willing to jeopardize his marriage with his own wife for some random chic. For what?? A few seconds of an ego stroke. Marriage counseling stat. Your marriage comes first and if he truly cares about you and loves you he would never continue engaging in a “friendship” that makes you feel uncomfortable.

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