(Closed) Thoughts on love?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

First of all, I can completely relate to you’re referencing movies. I do that ALL the time. But sometimes my friends have to tell me that it’s a movie, not real life.

It sounds like, while you may really love him, he might not be on the same level as you- maturity wise. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

In his defense, I imagine he probably follows you around because he’s bored! I’m sure he misses you and since he doesn’t do much when you’re working, you probably seem pretty exciting to him 🙂 Granted, I am sure you feel that if he was working this wouldn’t be the case!

All in all, this is obviously a personal decision but I just wanted to give you and outsiders perspective! Also, I think he should get a job too 😉

Post # 4
Member
2397 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m an overthinker too, so I hear ya!

Have you talked to him about all of this?  I imagine he is probably somewhat defensive.  Maybe you could help him look for available jobs?  Is he actively looking, or just enjoying his time off?

I would say that if he is unwilling to actually look for a job, then you guys should probably have a long discussion.  Maybe you could benefit from talking to a couples counselor.   In my opinion, love isn’t always enough to make things work.  Relationships take a lot of work, compromise and growth.  My personal philosophy is that love is the catalyst for these things, but love alone can’t accomplish them. 

Post # 5
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Fellow overthinker here. I am not sure if I agree with that quote. I would like to, but I just don’t think I believe in “love” enough. This is going to sound kind of terrible, but I don’t know if I believe in the objective unconditional version of love (hey, Freud didn’t either, not that this is a good thing). I have never experienced it, and I try to learn from Fiance, but it is hard to just learn that and accept it. And that makes it really hard to believe that simply loving each other is enough to excuse everything else because sometimes, enough really is enough. I just don’t know how one finds the “enough” line.

Moving past the philosophy — that is a tough situation. On one hand, I am kind of like your Fiance. When something is going wrong, I am completely unmotivated about other things. When I am off a schedule, even just going to the store seems like too much of a chore so I don’t bother doing anything at all. I think it might have some roots in depression. I can definitely understand your frustration, though. It might help to get him on a schedule. Make him get out of the house. Maybe talk to him about setting up a schedule where he has to get up and get dressed and get out of the house and apply for X number of jobs a day. Because usually, once I get started or get out for one thing, everything else is not as big a deal. Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My dad doesn’t work plus he isn’t a housewife, so my mom works all day (defending criminals as a lawyer) then comes home, cleans, walks the dogs, etc. And my dad is a total slob to top it off, whereas my mom is a clean freak. Anyway, that sort of thing is a real hang up for me because it has caused so many issues for my parents. I know they love each other, and they’re still together, but sometimes it looks really painful for my mom. Counseling sounds like a really good idea.

Post # 8
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

This will sound bad…but, read the book “Don’t Shoot the Dog”, which is about animal behavior, but also applies to people. It explains strategies for why animals (and people) respond to particular behaviors (such as anger, punishment, and rewards) the way we do. For example, you should “reward” any move on FI’s part to get a job. Go way over the top on this. But, ignore Fiance whenever he’s doing something you don’t like, such as following you around the house. I know he’s miserable but you don’t want to make him feel like he gets your attention because he’s miserable. If he goes in the kitchen and starts cooking dinner then you can join him and tell him how great he is. If he cleans the bedroom…well, you can figure that one out. It’s totally manipulative, but everything we do is manipulative.

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