Thoughts on men as sole provider paying all bills

posted 7 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee

There is no right way for couples to do finances – it is so individual and we should all be respectful of each other’s choices as long as all parties are happy with their arrangements. 

Right now we both work, but my husband makes significantly more than I do and works longer hours. We have combined finances so it’s all “our” money, but practically my paycheck goes into savings and we live off his. We live in an expensive major city and he doesn’t make a crazy amount — we’re able to do this because we live modestly, don’t have outstanding debts, and don’t have pets or kids yet, so our overhead is pretty low.

In the future our arrangement could change. It’s possibe I’d stay home or work part time when we have kids, but it’s also possible that I’ll at some point be making more than him depending on how our careers develop – especially if he goes back to school to pursue a career he enjoys more later on. It’s also possible that as our expenses increase, I’ll be more incentivized to look for higher paying career options. My current career path doesn’t have as much earing potential as his, but it’s something I really enjoy, so even if I stopped working for a while to raise kids, I would want to continue being involved in my field in some way.

I don’t think I’d enjoy being a purely stay at home wife/mom (although I’m not ruling out being a Stay-At-Home Mom and dh is open to it and acknowledges that as a full time job), but I DO really appreciate the fact that my husband is supportive of me pursuing my passions and that his salary means that if I lost my job tomorow, I wouldn’t have to work for us to make ends meet. It is a significant privilege to not have to worry about money right now. 

Post # 47
Member
759 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I really enjoy my career and I’m proud of it. I wouldn’t be happy staying at home but some women are and that’s awesome for them. Could my fiancé provide for both of us? Sure but it would be a little harder in our high COL area. Do I want him to? Absolutely not. Nothing in life is certain (divorce, death) so I think you have to be able to make it on your own.

Post # 48
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

I would say my guy is the sole provider income wise. But… I make more than him. I have offered a billion times to contribute my part every month and he doesn’t even TRY to help me pay. I ask for him to give me his bank account info to route the money. etc etc. His check book is there so I debated just doing it without waiting but rather him HAND it over than me just… going ahead and doing it. He says he will get to it and never does. Huge procrastinator to those things because he doesn’t care about splitting it.

I feel that in the long run… its coming all out in the wash anyways over time. So neither of us care anymore. We also don’t plan to join accounts when we marry. We both are great at handling finances and not ones to blow money.

Whatever you choose to do… doesn’t affect me. I just want my reality to be that if one of us loses a job or passes away… sh!t wont hit the fan financially… because we both contributed. 

Post # 49
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Houses here go for min 500k, daycare 1500+ a month, car insurance is through the roof, etc etc. There’s no way my hubby could handle all the bills himself and I wouldn’t want him to have that stress. We handle every expense together. 

Post # 50
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee

Mlim :  But to see comments of so many people bashing those who split bills are childish. Some even called it gay….wow.

Sorry that this is not directly related to the overall point of your OP but I fail to see what splitting bills has to do with same-sex relationships……?

Because I’m going to assume that in 2018, people are not logging on to Beyonce’s internet to use “gay” as an insult.

Post # 51
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Mlim :  I think these days it’s a bit harder to be financially comfortable on one income, so both partners generally need to be bringing in money. Not going to touch on the gender role issues here, just gonna shake my head. 

Post # 52
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I out earn Darling Husband by a significant amount and I love it! I love seeing successful women in their careers. While I don’t have anything against sahm and if that makes them happy that’s fine with me, however even now in 2018 women are underpaid for same work they do then men, there are less women ceos and in general women in management positions so personally I love seeing women in power and having successful careers. With that being said studies have shown that kids of working moms are likely to be more ambitious and I would also like to be a good role model if I’m lucky enough to have kids of own or to other little girls around me. 

I think in this world there is no right for women. If we work and become successful in our careers then we are judged for that and people are like o you don’t care about your family, how can you marry a man who makes less then you,  even there are so many films where a career driven women is unhappy because she did not find a man or is lonely or had kids on own and is single becaue she was career driven. Coincidentally I have not seen too many movies where a career driven man lets life get past him and now he regrets not finding “love”. 

On the other hand if we choose to stay home then you are thought less because you are “just “ a stay at home mom. 

At the end of the day I think women in general should stay together, mom or not. Men let us squabble among ourself while taking advantage of our insecurity of being judged by others. 

In fact I have heard comments already from strangers to friends about how I make more then my husband and how can I respect him as a man to one of my friends saying that she is so glad her husband makes more then her and can treat her whenever he wants. 

I stand corrected, I love seeing successful women handling their business! 

Post # 53
Member
5959 posts
Bee Keeper

ashleyroo :  Coincidentally I have not seen too many movies where a career driven man lets life get past him and now he regrets not finding “love”. 

Omg I love this. So true.

Post # 54
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It’s funny my husband and I were just talking about this tonight on our date. I’m unhappy at my job and we have contemplated me staying home to care for our child, and get this he wants me too but he doesn’t want me to feel any less than him because I’m not bringing home a paycheck. Thought that was super sweet of him

Post # 55
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

At one time or another we ve BOTH been the sole provider, typically so the other could focus on school. It was easier on me for me to be the provider because I hated relinquishing that independence (even though he had relied on me before). There’s nothing wrong with one breadwinner, my dad made all the money but my mom did work in raising a ton of kids. I remember my dad would say he hated calling her a dependent on taxes because all of us depended on her. Our plan is that once we’re good and darn ready if we decide to have kids or accidentally end up with them he would likely be the stay at home parent because we believe that parenting is best done by a parent and I’m more passionate about my career where he kind of likes the idea of being a homemaker. We both have to have our careers though bc in addition to being able to enjoy our cfbc status to its fullest ATM if something were to happen to one of us we want that security. If we decided to have kids and I got hormonal and just wanted to be with my baby as sometimes happens he does need to be able to provide. Once your married who pays the bills is irrelevant but it makes things easier and sets safe guards up in case of life happening if both at least can pay the bills. 

Post # 56
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I am currently pregnant and the plan is for me to be a stay at home mom so my husband will pay all of the bills. We have always had joint accounts since we started dating as teens and our we don’t see it as he paying all of the bills. Our money has always been our money

Post # 57
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

Mlim :  Here’s the thing, Bee. Everyone wants and expects something different in a relationship, and that is okay. You shouldn’t let this bother you. You have your own expectations, as you should. They don’t have to match anyone else’s. 

Post # 58
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

Mlim :  Yeah that is really uncalled for and just makes whoever posted that comment look like a gold digging bitch. Hopefully guys that want to date her see that and say NOPE! haha

As for me, I want to be a stay at home mom some day. I want to marry someone that supports that lifestyle and wants that too. But that doesn’t mean you make statements like that, which are rude and presumptious. Right now my boyfriend and I split everything because I want it to be a partnership and not a parent/child type of relationship. We both agree that when we get married and have kids I would be a stay at home mom. But for now, I like that i contribute half because it shows that I am an independant woman who is capable of paying for her own life now, and in the future should anything happen. I think that is what men want, a woman who appreciates when they pay for things but can pay for herself if she wants to. When my boyfriend pays for lunch I thank him and am grateful even though I know that I will insist on paying for the next lunch. He is also grateful for when I pay for things and lets me know. By the time we get married and I stay at home we will have split things together for long enough to let each other feel like we are partners and making this choice to depend on his salary together. 

I also think being a stay at home mom is no picnic either. I am well aware that being a stay at home mom will mean taking care of the kids all day, doing the majority of the cleaning and cooking. I am ok with that, and I know that my boyfriend when we do get married will chip in and help a lot too. But being a stay at home mom isn’t not having a job, or it shouldn’t be. Being a stay at home mom is work, hard work and should be appreciated as such. 

Post # 59
Member
2406 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I have teenage step-daughters who have voiced that their future career goals are to be stay- at- home moms. This, in all honesty, alarms me. I 100% feel that they need to prepare themselves to financially support their own lifestyle. Who knows if they will like being a sahm? And are they going to date only those men who are 100% on board with being the sole income source for their entire family?  I live in the midwest. You wouldn’t believe the societal pressure in some communities for women to stay home & for men to be the sole provider. I think it probably adds a whole lot of unnecessary stress to marriages. When my kids were young, you wouldn’t believe the consternation people voiced regarding my working and “who’s going to keep your babies” while I was at work. My husband never once had anyone ask him this question. I would just look at these people like they were crazy. It’s kind of surreal. I’m not from the midwest, and had not grown up in this sometimes-crazy-making misogyny. 

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