(Closed) thoughts on not sending an invite to someone who received a save-the-date

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it is really rude, an invitation should certainly follow a save the date.

Post # 4
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

you should send her an invite…… of course it could also get lost in the mail Innocent

Post # 5
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

You should definitely send her an invite. It’s pretty rude not to since she’s probably saved the date (at your request.) 

Post # 6
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think it is if there is no proper explanation… I had to make the decision to not send an invite to a couple who we sent a save the date to (various reasons which I wont go into here) BUT I sent a hand written letter explaining the situation and tried to smooth over any offence. I did give them a bit of a false reason for not inviting them (said it was money issues, money is a bit tight, but is not 100% the reason why they are not invited) which I do feel a bit bad about, but at least effort was made to let them down gently.

For me it was ok as I hardly ever talk with these people (I literally only see them at christmas) and I dont have facebook. It might be a bit harder for you to escape it. Best to get it out the way now than have it drag on until the wedding 🙂

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@posies80:  If you sent her a Save the Date, then you must send her an invite.

Not sending her an invite after a save the date is very rude as a save the date is pretty much an invite in itself but just letting the person know that further details will follow.

Send her an invite, if she shows up dressed like she’s going to a strip club, *she* is the one that will look bad, not you.

If you don’t send her an invite, don’t be surprised if she texts you/e-mails you asking where it is or just RSVP-ing yes anyway (when she thinks the invite got “lost in the mail”).

Post # 8
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@posies80:  Meh, to me it depends on how your relationship is with her. If she is a fair weather friend who will come to your wedding and then fade into oblivion, then yeah it must have gotten lost in the mailInnocent

But if she is a close friend then yeah.

BUt then again I’m kinda snarky like thatWink

Post # 9
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it would be extremely rude & in poor taste to not send her an invite when you’ve already sent her a SVD.

Post # 10
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Agreed with the PP that it is NOT okay to send someone a STD and then not an invite. At the very least you should call her and tell her yourself some lame excuse like your budget changed and you can’t afford that many guests anymore so you’re sorry but she is no longer invited.

Randomly, one of our groomsmen’s girlfriend showed up in a skank-tastic dress. It was fine for a Vegas club, but not for a wedding. But all that meant to me was people coming up to me after the wedding asking if I saw what she wore and or apologizing that someone showed up dressed like THAT. It made for a good laugh.
 

Post # 11
Member
2965 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would give her an excuse (money issue excuse or small wedding excuse usually works best). This is what we are doing. Yes I am in a similar boat. When we updated our fb stat to engaged I started getting all kinds of messages from his fam in Louisiana talking bout they can’t wait till the wedding (kind of awkward!!!). I can’t stand it when people invitie themselves. To some I just said it was going to be a Destination Wedding, which was partially true (we hadn’t had all the details figured out). We ended up deciding on a venue 2 hrs away from our hometown and the fam he has in Louisiana live 4 hrs away from our hometown making it 6 hrs away for them so they may not come. We tried to inconvience the more unimportant guests (call it what you want). I have the Save-The-Date Cards but I’m being careful with this. Not sending them out till the end of Sept. and ONLY to the guests we know is on our A list (very close fam and friends).

Post # 12
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think unless circumstances change between the inviter and the invitee (eg. a major falling out), then it’s very rude not to follow up an STD with an invitation.  That being said, think about this: would you rather feel guilty and rude (and end your friendship with this girl you don’t seem to like at all), or would you rather have her attend?

It sounds to me like it might be the first option.

Post # 13
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know you are supposed to do it.  But what if you didn’t?  Is this someone who is going to be in your life after the wedding?  Are you planning to keep in touch?  Although it might be rude, what is truly the fall out?   Unfriend her, what would happen? 

Post # 14
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I tend to agree that you should send an invitation to everyone who received a save the date unless you are prepared to deal with the fall out.  If you don’t wish to continue a friendship with this girl then I wouldn’t send an invite.  It may be helpful to unfriend/block her on facebook so you don’t see her offending posts and she can’t keep tabs on details you post.  

I had to think long and hard about a similar situation but it concerned my now former employer.  I had given my boss, director, and office manager save the dates.  I went out on medical leave and was ultimately “let go” when I was unable to return by the original date my doctor had projected.  My boss got a bit nasty with me during the whole process, so I decided that it would be best to make a clean break and not invite any of them.  Honestly, I highly doubt any of them would have attended even if I had bit the bullet and invited them anyways.

Post # 15
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs that you should invite her to the wedding.  You knew her and her personality before sending the save the date, yet you still sent it.  Unless you want to come across as very rude, you must invite her.

Post # 16
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I hope that I dont sound like a brat, but I seriously think that weddings are too personal and expensive to be polite all the time lol.

If this is just a FB friend, then I’m not sure why you would’ve felt guilty enough to send her a STD….but I mean if you havent seen her then theres nothing wrong with changing your mind about mailing out an invitation. If you’re only fb friends then what she thinks shouldnt be that big a deal anyway.

 

The only way I’d feel different is if she was from out of town and had already made travel arrangements to come to your wedding-but if she’s local and you wouldnt be putting a financial burden on her by not inviting her then dont bother. It’ll make you miserable and it’ll be uncomfortable for her if everyone is making fun of her attire or w/e at the wedding

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