(Closed) Thoughts on opening marriage

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

BuzzedBumblingBee :  Once you’re truly poly, you never go back. 

Maybe most poly people don’t. But I know for a fact that one of my best friends is engaged to a man who is monogamous with her but was polyamorous in his previous relationship. What only a few of us know is that she was one of his side girls but told him that it was too much for her emotionally because she loved him, and he decided to end his main relationship and another casual fling to be with her. So yeah, maybe he is an exception, but he is in a monogamous relationship with her.

Post # 92
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

I have just spent the better part of the day talking with two friends who are now divorced because of an open marriage. I was given permission to share their story. Names will be changed to protect their identities in case someone who knows them might be lurking on this site. 

“Ken” and “Barbie” were married for 8 years. “Ken” and “Barbie” were friends with another couple who were swingers. Anyway, their friends talked to them about the benefits of swinging and having an open marriage. “Ken” and “Barbie”  didnt have children yet, but thought that it would be fun and exciting since neither of them were the jealous types and truly believed in the others happiness. They figured in a few years when they decided to have kids that they would have a last hurrah before they settled down with their previously decided on 2-4 children. 

Anyways, they, K and B became swingers. All was great. They had a couple of people they swung with, always with the understanding that honesty, commitment to communication, and openness was key to making it work. It worked for a few years. Then “Ken” was diagnosed with an illness that would require surgery. 

Now they both agreed that if life got real that they would close the marriage. Well it got real when he had a life threatening illness and would ultimately need several surgeries to save his life. Illness brings about its own set of challenges. Anyways, Ken felt that Barbie wasnt wholly with him through his illness. He brought it up to her that he felt like she was there in the physical, but not in the emotional sense. She claimed that wasnt at all true. 

Ken had decided that after his illness and near death experience that he wanted to start a family. One of the factors were their ages. He was pushing 35 and she was pushing 32 and he felt like if they were gonna start a family they needed to get started. After all she had agreed to it while he was in the hospital. I was there when she said, when you are better we will start a family. 

Anyways she apparently came out and told him that she wasnt quite ready to have children and that she wanted to open the marriage again. He wasnt thrilled about it. To make her happy, he and she agreed to one more year of open marriage, then they would settle down and start the process of getting pregnant. 

Anyways, he wasnt really interested in being in an open marriage, but he didnt mind that she was having fun. So a year passed, and they talked again. Was she ready? To start a family? Yup, and within a year they were pregnant. 

Six months after the little one is born she asked to open the marriage again. He was adamant that now they had children he didnt think it was appropriate considering their responsibilities were more pressing. She had sick parents, he had some relapses from his illness. She was not happy. 

To make a long story short, she had fallen in love with one of her regular swinging partners. Of course he didnt know this. While she had been pregnant she hadnt cheated physically but she had carried on an emotional affair. 

Well they continued in the marriage. Him unaware that she had fallen for her partner, and she was pregnant again. However, the man she had fallen in love with found out she was pregnant and thought it might be his. She and he apparently hadnt been careful. So there was a chance the baby was his.

It was his. But in their state, the law doesnt recognize another person other than the spouse as the legal father of the child. 

Their marriage has since dissolved. They divorced, but under the law the baby is his even though DNA says the baby is the other man’s. Under the law he now has to pay child support to a child he isnt even allowed to see. 

The other man dumped her, went back to his wife, and he doesnt want to see the kid now since he reconciled with his wife and since the law says the kid belongs to her ex husband regardless of DNA, he has to pay child support for two children, one of them not his.

Barbie would like to reconcile with Ken. She wishes she could go back and change what happened. In her words, “If I had known what kind of lying untrustworthy person I would become, I would have told them to take their swinging lifestyle and shove it where the sun dont shine.” 

Ken says that while he still loves Barbie, he can not ever trust her again. He cant forgive her for the lying and the deceit. 

On her side she fell madly in love with her partner and just couldnt give him up, and she thought he felt the same, until life got real and went back to his wife. 

Advice from them both..dont do it. Its not worth the heartache. 

Edited to add: They both agreed in the beginning that it would be sex only with no emotional attachment. 

 

 

Post # 93
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

A lot of people have mentioned the risks of falling in love with someone else, but I’d wonder about jealousy long before that.  You might think you would be perfectly fine with him having sex with someone else, and he might think he’ll be perfectly fine with you having sex with someone else.  But all that is all in the abstract and in fantasy.  However, the reality might be entirely different and there might be some unexpected feelings and consequences.  You might discover that you are jealous, deep inside where you can’t let it go, that he enjoyed having sex with another woman.  He might not be able to get the image of you having sex with another man out of his head and it drives him to anger and depression due to jealousy.  You might end up feeling so upset and jealous that you can’t stand to be with each other anymore because you see each other differently.  Fantasizing and doing are not the same thing and can have wildly different results.

Post # 94
Member
2990 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

anonusername :  so this is *his* idea? 

If you’re ok with a 3 some, make sure it’s with you and 2 men.  Too often men are the ones that get most of the funsies with 2 women…

Post # 95
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

beetobe27 :  Oh wow. Was your friend always monogamous with him?

Post # 96
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

mrstodd2bee :  Yep. It’s always the women agreeing to allow other women into the bedroom.

Post # 97
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

chocco :  Yes, she has always been monogamous with him and was monogamous with her exes. 

She fell in love with him so agreed to be the side girl but eventually it got too much so she told him and he decided to close his relationship with her and be monogamous with her, and ended his main one.

Post # 98
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

beetobe27 :  Oh ok. Maybe he wasn’t truly poly and was himself expermenting. 

Post # 99
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

MissCtoMrsR :  You can’t ‘unsee’ seeing your partner with someone else in a threesome though so people need to be careful with that.

Post # 100
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

mrstodd2bee :  My thought was that he has someone in mind already or is already cheating and he hopes this will cover his ass.

OP says her marriage is fine, and it might be, but how many times have seen bees on this board with stable marriages and they didnt notice a thing wrong and then find out their partner was cheating on them.

Post # 101
Member
4315 posts
Honey bee

princessanon0125 :  If it’s the husband who brought the subject up you can be damn sure he has someone in mind and he’s pretty confident she’ll be willing to sleep with him.

The whole spiel about listening to your main partner and not doing anything they dont like and having good communication is all naivete in action. Sorry OP, not buying it.

 

Post # 102
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I am always intrigued by relationships that are away from the traditional norm.  I have a friend who lived in what she said was a swingers lifestyle.  I don’t know a ton about what their boundaries were but I worked with her at a hotel and we often had to stay late or even overnight depending on what events were going on.  She and her then boyfriend would meet up with other swinger couples on the weekends or go to parties.  As far as I know, they did not engage in any activities without the other present.  Well, she started seeing a man from one of the couples  and her relationship imploded very publicly when his wife confronted them at the hotel one night he was visiting her there.  Soon after, she and her boyfriend ended their relationship non amicably and she ended up finding a job in another state.  I don’t know if any of it is something I could do, however, I hope you find what you’re looking for if you decide to do it.  

Post # 103
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

sunburn :  This a thousand times!!!! Darling Husband and I have been talking about this tonight, and he said just out of curiousity, not that I ever would, what would you say if I said I wanted to have an open marriage? 

I said, “who is she and where did you meet her?” 

He laughed of course because he would never, but he did say, if you want to have sex with other people why get married in the first place. And if its a case of boredom and you have been married less than 5 years then you probably married the wrong person anyway. 

Post # 104
Member
1563 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

princessanon0125 :  “And if its a case of boredom and you have been married less than 5 years then you probably married the wrong person anyway.” 

 

100000% agree

Post # 105
Member
4990 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I don’t agree with PPs that you married the wrong person if you want to explore and open up your marriage. Traditional marriage isn’t for everyone, there’s nothing “wrong” or missing in a relationship if people chose a poly/open/swinger etc style of living. I think that posting your question on a poly forum would be a better idea though as this site typically leans more conservative. Best of luck and happy experimenting!

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