(Closed) Thoughts on quick dating/courting to marriage relationships?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 1
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I have two friends, each of which met her husband/fiance on a dating website. Both women are religious and abide by their respective religion’s traditions. They went on websites specific to their religions, met men interested in marriage, got engaged, and now one is married and one will be getting married within a few months. 

Without getting into a religious debate, I’m curious about your thoughts on this short and structured process. Since I have been with my SO for 5 years, I continue to learn new things about him every day, and can only assume this will go on the longer we are together. Given this, I cannot imagine getting engaged after just a few months. How do you know all of the essential information? How do you how the person will be in different situations? You don’t know what their reactions are like.

I guess my biggest fear is finding out some big dealbreaker way after the engagement/wedding. For example, I have a friend who has been in a relationship with a woman who is an extreme hoarder. Like house filled with boxes floor to ceiling. They’ve been together for a few years now (dating), but I believe he only found this out about her (or the extent of it) fairly recently. Obviously it is up to him whether to stay in the relationship, especially this far into it, but I think finding something like that out earlier on might have influenced whether they would have made it this far. I can come up with a bunch more examples, but extremes might include addictions (shopping, gambling, alcohol, etc.) and especially physical abuse. I’ve heard too many stories of domestic abuse, so one of my fears for these people who go from short dating to marriage are that they might get themselves into a dangerous situation and not have a way out.

I know people have stories of friends, parents, other relatives, and even themselves meeting, falling in love, and living happily ever after (my own parents and grandparents have experienced this). But I’m a realist and tend to be cynical when it comes to people. So realistically, how can you possibly know someone well enough after just a few months to make the decision to spend the rest of your life with them? (And not necessarily, but especially if in your religion/culture divorce isn’t much of an option?)

I don’t want to offend anyone, so I apologize in advance if I have. I just want to learn from other people’s perspective on this topic. 

I’m posting this in waiting mostly because I think the ladies on this board experience something that comes more so after some time in a relationship. So on the one hand I think you might see where my curiosity comes from, and on the other, I think you might share some really interesting insight on waiting through different time periods. 

Thanks!

Post # 2
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
Kat_Kit2000:  The only quick marriage I’ve seen work are ones where both are religious. Most of the time it’s about 6-10 months of dating/engagement. But they’ve also been a little older (mid to late 20’s) when you know yourself a little better.

All the other ones have fallen apart or are painfully limping along. Some because of mental/emotional/physical abuse–abusers love to sweep people off their feet, helps them keep the person off balance and it’s easier to control/maninpulate them. Other times, when they’ve gotten married because one was in the military and being shipped off, it’s a disaster. They dont know each other, the pressures of marriage, being in strange town and sometime long times apart usually lead to cheating. 

 

One woman I know got married after 4-5 months to someone who she dated long-distance (both in their early 30’s). When I knew her they had been together for several years and working on child #2. But she admited to me that they were still dealing with some stuff that was a direct result of not knowing each other well enough and getting married too soon. Dont know if they are still together…

 

But this is their life and there is nothing you can do about it but support and love them.

Post # 3
Member
9540 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well, i personally dated my husband for four years before we got engaged, but my dad married my stepmom after a couple months. Different things work for different people.

How do you know about the big things? You ask. And you’re more likely to have similar answers when you come from the same background. You can’t learn everything that fadt, but, as you pointed out, you’re always learning new things abiut yiur partner, so there’s always a point of knowing “enough”. 

I also think that people from those sorts of backgrounds have more realistic views of marriage (That it’s something you work at and make happen not all passion and romance) that make their marriage better able to handle difficult situations that may come up in the future.

And I suppose the real evidence is in the simple fact that so many of these marriages do work well. So it, obviously, works well for some people.

Post # 4
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you have to date someone for a couple years to really know someone. I don’t really think ppl can know each other well enough to get married if they’ve only been together a few months. Marriage is a serious commitment and I’d rather take more time making sure this is really the person I want to be with forever than getting married quickly and realizing it isn’t how you thought it’d be and you want to separate/get a divorce. My now husband and I dated for 5.5 years before we got engaged and I think it was good timing. Living together first is a good idea too (we lived together for about 3 years before getting married).

Post # 5
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

My parents met on a blind date, engaged 3 months later, married 6 months after that. They’ve been together 35 years. 

Post # 6
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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KoiKove:  Ditto on knowing religious people this happened to, but in my experience they’ve actually been younger because in their culture mid 20’s is already considered “late.” I used to live in a country where couples already had multiple children by age 25 and if you didn’t even have one by that age then something was wrong with you. As far as supporting friends who do this, I wish there was a way to talk to them about it. I know when I’ve tried in the past I’ve gotten answers like “that’s just how things are done in my family.” I know arranged marriages are similar to this, but I think both people go into that relationship not with the expectuation of being in love, but learning to love with time through mutual beliefs. 

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JenGirl:  I think the problem with asking the big questions is difficult when it comes to more sensitive topics. I can’t see how anyone could ask their partner, “honey, do you think once we’re married you’re going to start abusing me?” And I know that you can’t always predict that kind of behavior, but I feel like with more time at least you know what to expect from your partner when they get angry or you get to see them at their worst in one situation or another. In 2-4 months I’m sure a lot of couples are in the honemoon phase and can’t imagine things ever changing or going wrong. So how can they possibly be prepared for the worst?

I really like what you said here: “I also think that people from those sorts of backgrounds have more realistic views of marriage (That it’s something you work at and make happen not all passion and romance) that make their marriage better able to handle difficult situations that may come up in the future.”

What do you think it is from those backgrounds that teaches people those views? I’m sure a lot of it relates to how their parents raised them, but I feel like there has to be more to it. A lot of “typical” individuals come from happily married families, so why do you think they need more time or have unrealistic expectations? (I think it’s more understandable when children of divorce have more reservations, so how do we explain those that haven’t experienced it?)

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_blackbird_:  I agree with you. I think certain things you can only know by living with someone. It amazes me how many marriages work for people who’ve never lived with anyone. It takes time to get used to a person’s habits, even the ones outside of living together. So to go from just meeting to married blows my mind. 

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OMGMrsW2B:  My parents dated and got married in less than a year and have been happily married for over 26 years. Once I asked my mom how she tolerates my dad sometimes and she said, “I guess there are more good things than bad ones.” It made me wonder if knowing the bad ones earlier on would have changed anything. What do you think made it work for your parents? Could it really be just coincidence/luck that they both wanted the same things when they met? Or is it a lot of hard work to stay together (let alone be happy)?

Post # 7
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

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Kat_Kit2000:  I can’t imagine getting married/engaged after such a short period of time. BUT, I can see why it would work for people who are very religious. I mean, they typically couple with someone in their religion, so automatically they’re probably going to have the same religious beliefs, the same political beliefs, and highly structured male/female roles that both agree to. So that probably does eliminate a lot of differences that might otherwise come up (i.e. there won’t be discussions on who should do laundry, because it’s understood that’s the woman’s job and making money is the man’s job, etc.) Then add in the fact that most religions with courting are pretty against divorce, so that makes long term successful relationships pretty important to both parties and their families. I have more trouble understanding it when the couple is not religious, because in my mind- what’s the rush? If you can’t have sex until marriage, that sort of explains it to me- but otherwise it seems very odd. 

Post # 8
Member
11 posts
Newbee

i believe everyone is different.  When you know, you know.  I have enjoyed our 22 years of marriage finding out new things about my hubby.  It honestly was love at first site, we both knew!

Post # 9
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

I’m crazy cynical. My parents are divorced (I’m not sure how long they were together before they got married) so I’m very cautious about who I end up with.

I used to work with a woman who met someone and eight weeks later they were married. They’re still together after nearly 50 years. Happy as a pair of pigs in mud.

I knew another couple who got engaged, and 30 years later had never got round to having a wedding and still adore each other.

I know a couple who dated 8 years, were married less than two and got divorced. (I think she wanted the wedding, not the marraige)

Different strokes for different folks. I still know that my personal standards mean that I wont rush into a relationship, and I certainly wont be in any hurry down the aisle. I hope one day I meet someone who feels the way I do.

Because what actually determains a long and happy marraige? Theres no hard fast rules to predict how it will end up. I think you should know yourself, know your own personal standards, and when you meet someone that matches them you’ll create your own personal harmony with them.

Post # 10
Member
1323 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

i think everyone is different and it’s really none of anyone else’s business. 

Post # 11
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

The majority of people where I live go from meet to married within a year or less. I live in a very religious state. They look at me like a leper because my BF and I have been together for two years and live together.

Unfortuantely, a lot of these couples get married so quickly because they are wanting to have sex and realize quickly that sex does not make a marriage. However, because of their strong beliefs they work very hard to make a marriage work. Most of the women I have talked to have expressed to me that they wish they would have waited longer but are still happy with their partner while others regret the decision all together. I know some people who have gotten engaged within a month of dating and married within 6 of knowing each other and I can tell you that those marriage are already on the rocks. 

In the end, I think it depends on the couple and how willing they are to make a marriage work.  

Post # 12
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My fiance proposed after one year.  We knew it was going somewhere within the first 2 weeks.  Before 6 months he had started planning the proposal.  At 8 months, I moved in.  We’re in our 30s and I think we just knew what we wanted.  There was no reason to wait.  I couldn’t be happier that he took the leap after a shorter period of dating.  My very practical mom told me that she had no doubt we’d be together forever because we’re perfect for each other.  It doesn’t work for everyone, but I’m thrilled I didn’t have to wait very long.  

We’re not religious. . .

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by  seeker.
Post # 13
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My DH and I got engaged after dating for 2 months, and then married 4 months after that. We both knew exactly what we were looking for, and when we found it, we knew it.

I think people who have quick time periods are often times more serious during those few months than some people are in years of casual dating. to use your example, I would have known if he was a hoarder because I was at his house almost every day. In your example, your friends had been dating several years and he didn’t know she was a hoarder?? That seems very odd. If I had been dating someone several years and I had never been to their house, that in of itself would be a red flag. 

But yes, you can’t know everything about someone in just a few months. That’s a given and most people know that going into a marriage after a short time period. I think a major part of it is just being committed to growing and evolving together. 

Post # 14
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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Kat_Kit2000:  Everyone has their own opinion on this but personally quick engagements make me nervous. You can’t possibly know everything about the person in just a few months.

You continue to learn new things about your partner for years, and you’ll probably still be learning things about them after you’re married even if you do wait, but I think it takes a lot longer than a few months to know enough about a person to be able to make that sort of commitment.

Post # 15
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

76% of couples I know who married quickly also divorced quickly. I did the numbers, lol. I will say they had age going against them as well, 10 of those 17 couples were married before or by their 21st birthday. 

Out of the four who didn’t divorce, only one is currently happy. Two couples have separated on and off in the past two years. And the forth couple are/were my grandparents, who have both since passed but lived very happy lives with each other. 

I’ve also known a LOT of people who got engaged quickly, but then ended up breaking it off before they got down the aisle. Last I checked I think the US national statistic for broken engagements was around 60%

Obviously there’s some logic to waiting to marry until you’ve been together 2-4 years at least. But of course it doesn’t predict how every marriage will go. Everyone has a story about how soandso and somebody got married after a hugely romantic mere weeks/months period and lived happy ever after. I would venture to guess though, that the quicker you get married, the harder the first 5-10 years (sometimmes more) can be. I’d say quite a few of my friends who married quickly would agree with me, even the happily married ones. 

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