(Closed) Thoughts on quick dating/courting to marriage relationships?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

I have been dating my Boyfriend or Best Friend for 5 plus years& I felt like from the minute that he asked me on the first date that I knew we would be together forever. I think it mostly depends on luck.

Post # 17
Member
9086 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I believe that each relationship moves to a different drumbeat and there is no one size fits all rule. My husband and I got married within a year of dating. His parents were married within 4 months of dating. I briefly dated my husband in college and we were loosely friends. Loosely meaning we occasionally chatted at school but we never hung out. When he went into the Navy we stopped talking. Seven years later, we were married. It worked for us. It isn’t for everyone and we are no less prepared for life as a married than anyone else. 

Post # 18
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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Kat_Kit2000:  My thoughts on this consist of two words: Khloe Kardashian.

Post # 19
Member
6425 posts
Bee Keeper

When I met my husband, I knew he was the one, and vice versa. We didn’t need a long time to know each other. Despte telling each other we would take it slow, we moved 90 miles an hour and fell in love within two weeks of dating. We planned out our future together. I am not religious, he studies buddhism, but is not a practicing one. Two months into our relationship we found out we were expecting. Nearly a year and half later, we’re still learning things about each other but that would never change the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. For some people I think they just click immediately while for others it takes time. My boss married her husband after a month of dating him, they made their 10 year anniversary a month ago. I’m a big believer of soulmates, and I think the people that can meet, marry and stay together were meant to be.

Post # 20
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

Although my Fiance and I were friends for about 2 months before we started dating, we both agree that it was inevitable we ended up getting engaged. Since our first date, we’ve spent almost every single day together. We definitely didn’t go through the normal channels of dating casually – we both knew that we’d found the right person and jumped into it with our eyes open and no reservations. I moved into his place after about 4 weeks and I’m the first to admit that we’re well and firmly out of the honeymoon period. We argue, we fight, but I know what he thinks and I never doubt his honesty. We’ve been open about everything – beliefs, illnesses, past relationships, fears, concerns about our relationship, etc – and I’ve never felt that either of us have ever held anything back. I knew my Fiance more wholly in 3 months that I’d known my ex in 3 years. He proposed after we’d been together for 6 months and we’re getting married in May 2015. If either of our families had discouraged how quickly we’ve moved, I’d probably step back and reconsider, but our parents and relatives can see the love and all agree we’re suited for the long haul. 

That alone made me realize that the strength of a relationship, and readiness to marry, cannot and should not be solely equated to the length of time you’ve been with someone. Sure, you may feel more comfortable after 4 years, but that doesn’t make your love ANY more valid or logical than someone who feels that way after 4 months. Suggesting that all short courtships are on par with Khloe Kardashian’s, as someone did, is just rude and narrow-minded. Just because something works for you does not mean it is what works for everyone. 

And on that note, how often do you hear about people who’ve been with someone for 10 years, only to say, “I don’t even know this man!” What, if any, is the magical length of time that you really know anyone? It’s arbitrary and specific to your own situation. 

For what it’s worth, I don’t believe in divorce but that has less to do with my religious beliefs (lax Catholic) and more to do with the fact no one in my family has been divorced. The men and women fight but we all agree that marriage is binding and unless you’re being abused or someone is unfaithful, you have a duty to try to make things work. 

Post # 21
Member
4891 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’ve had a couple friends who were married pretty quickly, to me anyway, and it was not due to religion.

One, they met in February, were engaged in the early summer, and married that October. They were both in their mid-30’s and wanted to try and start a family… so it worked for them. They’ll celebrate their 7 year anniversary this year, and things are going great for them!

Another friend dated her guy for a year when they got engaged, then married 5 months later. They immediately got pregnant… and will be celebrating their 5 year anniversary this October (trend?) and have 3 adorable kids.

I have a couple friends who are divorced, and one of those is actually twice divorced and we’re the same age (33). She dated both ex-husbands briefly before they got married… so obviously things didn’t work out for a reason. The guy she’s with now, they’ve been together a few years but they have no plans to actually marry. She has 2 kids with the 2nd ex-husband, and one with her new guy.

I don’t know if being together for a specific amount of time changes how your marriage will be. Either you click, or you don’t. My Fiance and I are opposites in a lot of ways, and we got engaged after dating for over 3 years. Is our marriage going to be perfect? No… but that will be something we find out along the road.

Post # 22
Member
5219 posts
Bee Keeper

If there was an exact formula for having a succesful marriage, people would have already been all over that. Different strokes for different folks and all…

Post # 23
Member
3729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

One of my best friends had a very fast courtship/engagement and I have mixed feelings on it. They seem really happy now; but they were learning rather big things about each other up to their wedding day and hadn’t gotten to work on the small things that will eventually drive each other nuts. I think it can work,  but that it is far better to get to know each other before moving in and planning a wedding.  

Post # 24
Member
11339 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I only dated my exh for weeks before we got married.  Later, I found out that a strong push for quick committment is classic abuser behavior.

He started showing his real self on our wedding night.  I was madly in love & wanted him to go back to being the guy of the early days.  Of course, that wasn’t who he really is.

I don’t think you can do much damage by taking things slowly.  Poor dh had to wait around for 10 yrs for me to finally be ready to get married again.

None of this is to suggest that whirlwind romances can’t work.  Of course they can.  Every relationship is different.  My only caution would be to be very wary of any guy who pressures for committment early on.  He’s hiding something about himself.

Post # 25
Bee
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

I’ll chime in. Darling Husband and I met in January 2011, got engaged in January 2012, and were married in November 2012 – i.e. after less than 2 years of dating. We moved in together when we got married, although after 1-2 months of dating, we spent virtually every night together at each other’s houses.

Were there some adjustments? Sure. Honestly, most of our arguments are about issues at work, and where we will live (we both are anxious to live abroad, but haven’t had any work opportunities abroad yet) – not about living issues, since we are pretty compatible and were already used to spending all of our free time at each other’s houses.

I think part of that helped us make the smooth transition after a short period of dating was the fact that we have similar upbringings, we had both spent a lot of time with each other’s families (so no surprises there!), we made similar incomes (so there were no adjustments to our spending habits, or any issues regarding who pays the bulk of the bills), we both have a lot of dating experience (i.e. we knew what we wanted), and we come from families where people stay married til death so we are very committed to making it work.

We’ve been married for almost 2 years, and we’re happier than ever. Have we been through some tough times? Of course. Right now we’re in a long-distance marriage for two weeks out of every month, and that SUCKS. We’ve experienced grief, we’ve moved twice, we’ve both changed jobs, etc. in the last 2 years but we have the attitude that we grow and evolve together.

Different strokes for different folks. I try not to judge couples that marry quickly, nor couples that date for 10+ years before tying the knot. 

Post # 26
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

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Pollywog:  Yes, I know what you mean! I wonder how much of this is because of quick courtships and how much is because people don’t like to talk about “tough stuff”. I know a girl who I used to work with married after 3 years of dating. After she got engaged I made some joke about her getting pregnant (we were friendly like that/she wasn’t offended, just our humor). She laughed and then I said something about how she would have to keep it. Then she was like, ” LOL Why would I have to keep it?” and I apologized and explained I just assumed because her husband was religious and that I didn’t mean to be offensive (the church she mentioned her fiance went to is well known for opposing abortion, I didn’t say this). She laughed it off and wasn’t offended, then she was like, “yeah I wonder what he would think, we’ve never talked about our feelings about abortion.” 

My point is, regardless of how you feel about abortion, it’s a MAJOR issue and I can’t imagine marrying someone and not knowing how they felt about something so charged. It wasn’t like they hadn’t been together long, they had! It really made me realize how different people go about relationships. I really think some people don’t talk about anything tough/logical until it comes up.

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by  swonderful.
Post # 27
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

My granparents were married after 7 months of dating and were married for over 50 years when my grandpa passed away. They were both religious, and I think it was a different time then, so the commitment was taken more seriously and they worked harder on the relationship. 

I’m not opposed to it, PROVIDED both parties take extra care to develop their communication and find out all they can in that short amount of time. Especially the big things that are real deal breakers. Aside from that, things like gambling, alcoholism etc can all develop well into the marriage… no real guarantee they won’t. 

Post # 28
Member
3729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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swonderful:  Wow! My now- husband made his views on abortion known before we slept together (in a “if something happens and you end up pregnant, we will need to get married and keep it. If you aren’t cool with that, I am fine waiting” way… something which played over and over in my mind as a waiting bee 🙂 )

I agree it is an avoiding the tough stuff conversations. Darling Husband and I disagree on lots of things in theory– abortion, gay marriage, guns, drug use, but we have talked through our issues at length. I know abortion is a deal breaker for him, and seeing that we started dating when we both were old enough with great jobs, it was a totally different conversation than if we started dating at 19. While he is okay with drugs in theory, he doesn’t use them, so it is a non-issue.

Many of my friends who rushed to get married never had the thought through talks on mid-level issues. A couple who runs premarital counseling has said that the way they can predict how a marriage will last is in how you answer three questions:

1) How big of an expenditure can one person make before they have to clear it with their spouse?

2) What would you do if your mother in law got too sick to live at home?

3) Are the presents from Santa wrapped or unwrapped?

It doesn’t matter what the answer is, just that the couple is on the same page. Strangely enough, question number 3 is what causes the biggest disputes in counseling.

Post # 29
Member
5874 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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Kat_Kit2000:  “I guess my biggest fear is finding out some big dealbreaker way after the engagement/wedding.”

+1 to this.  I’ve never understood how you can know someone well enough in a short period of time (~<1 year) to decide to marry them for LIFE.  But of course, I met my (now) Darling Husband at 22.  If I had instead been in the dating world for an additional 10 years before meeting my husband, I may have felt more equipted to make a decision quickly.  

 

Post # 30
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

I remember saying to my mum and friend after my first date with my SO (no engaged yet, but we will be)that he was different. 

A few dates later, while walking with my sister along the beach near sunset, I told her to tell my SO that this is where I wanted him to propose. 

I think sometimed you just KNOW. However, saying that, I have always said that I would date someone for at least 2 years before getting engaged. With my SO, if he had asked before the 2 year mark, I would have said yes. Now we are at 2 1/4 years and i’m waiting for the proposal which will probably be in the next 6ish months

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