Post # 1
Hi everyone, I just want to ask a generic question and get opinions from those of you who divorced and/or single after marriage. I am in my late 40s and have been with my partner for 3 years. He made it clear that he never wanted to get married ever again. He only got married originally for the purpose of creating a family and having children. He is not into societal rituals and tends to march to the beat of his own drummer.
I, on the other hand, tend to be traditional at heart. I have always followed gender roles, I am a ‘nester’ and love the idea of creating a life with someone where duties and experieinces are shared. I’m not even sure my bf is someone I would marry anywy. Most of you have read some of posts and we have our issues but the financials are probably what would keep me from wanting to be married to him. I really just wouldn’t want him telling me how to spend my money. ON the other hand, I still desire a marriage where we (generic ‘we’, not necessarily my current SO) combine forces, build a future together financially, and care for each other as we age.
I am OK knowing I might have to take care of myself financially until I die and I plan on working for the next 20 years. But, there’s a little voice inside me that still really desires a marital commitment vs a long term relationship commitment where we keep finances and certain responsibilities separate. My mom, aunt, and sister are all in very successful and happy second marriages and I guess maybe I see that and want that, as well? But, really, I think I just prefer the concept of marriage over a LTR. I often feel like it’s wired into my DNA.
Post # 2
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
You have to decide for yourself if marriage is a deal breaker. I’m sure you could find someone more marriage minded than your current partner . Tell him how you feel about marriage and if he’s not willing to discuss it, then you have to decide if you want to move onZ. Don’t stay because you’ve invested three years. The year to come will be miserable if you have unmet needs.
Post # 3
sharkey38 : I would walk away if I were in my 20s and wanted a family, etc but i’m almost 50. Is it really a hill I should be willing to die on at my age?
We’ve both had our kids and past failed marriages. I guess I always hoped i’d be a wife again someday but I’m thinking I need to give up the fantasy at my age.
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
I’m in your same boat. I’m divorced with 4 kids and my SO wasn’t very motivated to get married, especially since we weren’t having kids. We eventually came to a mutual agreement. I spent about 2 months deciding if I could live happily without marriage, especially since I had kids that would be affected. In the end I decided I could, but then my SO decided he wanted to marry me because it was clear how much it mattered to me. But we agreed we’re not in a rush.
Your need to get married has nothing to do with age, it’s a personal preference. If he can’t come to a mutual agreement with you about your future you’d best move on. If you can reconcile you feelings about marriage and be happy moving forward without it, then do that. Only you know the answer.
Post # 6
I can understand this struggle.
My Fiance (since just this past week!) is 15 years older with 2 older children (23 and 24) and I am 37 with no kids (and plan on keeping it that way). We have a very strong relationship and as much as I wanted to be cool with just having a long term relationship, I realized I needed more. I expressed this to him and while he was on the fence about getting married again, he understood my need for it.
We did compromise a bit in that I told him that I was fine with having a long engagement. I realize a ring doesn’t mean any more commitment, but to me it says he is willing to tell the world that we have plans on being together forever.
And even though I wanted it, I do understand kaori and how she is anxious about doing it again. I chose a terrible partner the first time around and it causes a ton of doubt in my own mind that I’m making the right decision again. However, I know in my heart of hearts that this relationship is a complete 180 from my last, but I still have my fears.
Post # 7
Give up on that marriage “fantasy” at your age? 🙁 That is the saddest thing I’ve read all day. Marriage is a celebration and declaration of love, you deserve the happiness that comes with being a wife. It’s what your heart wants.
Post # 7
andromeda99 : I mean…just add this to the long list of reasons why you shouldn’t be with this guy.
Post # 8
Ladies, I tried to edit my post & then when I went to repost it, it keeps telling me that it’s a duplicate post and now I don’t see it on here at all! What do I do?
Post # 9
‘m in the opposite spot! I’m 48, he’s 43; been together for 7 years (living together for 6), I have a 23 year old son who is out on his own, and my man has a 14 year old son & a 10 year old daughter who stay with us every other weekend. Well, he has been begging me to marry him for the last 3 years. I’ve been there done that & failed monumentally, so really didn’t see myself ever doing it again, and have loved our life together just as it is, but he wore me down and I will finally become his wife this July 27th! Yipes! Lemme tell you Ladies, I am becoming more of a worried, anxious mess, as the date draws closer, but I know he’s the one for me, so I’m gonna put my big girl panties on, feel the fear, & do it anyway!
The merging of money part was freaking me out the most since I’ve been independently managing my money or over 10 years! We split the bills 60%-40% in his favor (he makes less than me & pays child support) and it’s worked well for us all these years together. So, I freaked out & said no when he first suggested that once we get married, I put him & his kids on my health insurance which is worlds better and cheaper than his, and also that we merge our money into one account. It led to a huge fight that ended in me realizing that merging funds is the only way I won’t resent paying for his kids’ health ins., and since I’m a whiz at budgeting & paying my portion of the bills already, I’ll be just as good at handling it all with our money combined! Yes, I saw the light on that one, but my initial stubborness & irrational need to remain independent almost broke us up! I think it symbolized freedom from my previous failed marriage and merging meant losing all that hard work; but I realize that’s not true at all. He is not my financially irresponsible Ex and I was projecting that crap onto him.
I’ve read that alot of us do this projecting past hurts onto our current partner/relationship, so I explained it to him, he understands, and it’s all good.
Lesson learned…Now let’s do this!! (nervous chuckle)
Post # 10
andromeda99 : getting remarried isn’t a fantasy. My fiance and I are both previously married and divorced. We are lucky that we’re on the same page… we want to be married again, and to each other. Neither of us wants a big wedding though, and we were not in a rush to get to the marrying stage.
You can definitely find a nice bachelor who would want to marry / remarry and be legally bound to each other. You can also decide it’s not that important and stay with your current partner. It’s really just up to you to decide how important it is.
But it’s NOT unreasonable to want to be married again! TONS of people do it. Likewise, it’s not unreasonable to decide one and done, never getting married again. It’s just unfortunate when those two life philosophies collide :/ Best of luck with your decision-making.
PS – I skimmed some of your old posts. He does NOT sound worth it. You deserve better. Even if you don’t care about that, your kid deserves to see a better example of a healthy relationship… this can be damaging :/
Post # 11
When I met my Darling Husband, I was 37 and he was 44. We each had two children and had been in long marriages (mine 14 years, his 20). We were both adamant we weren’t going to get married. A year after we started seeing each other, I was still adamant about not getting married. But after a few months of living together, I realized I was daydreaming about being his wife…and he was dropping hints about becoming my husband. After having too much wine one night, I confessed that I wanted to marry him…and he said he wanted to marry me too.
TBH, even if he didn’t want to marry me, I would’ve stayed with him. It wasn’t that important to me – it was a want not a need. And he’s said he would’ve stayed with me. But it was something we had to discuss and agree on.
Post # 12
KittyYogi : just fwiw, I stated this thread with the intent of keeping it hypothetical. I do not see myself marrying the man i’m With. I’d have to start accepting things that i’m still trying to figure out if they are deal breakers for me.
sometimes, I just feel really old!!!
Post # 13
andromeda99 : I see. Well like I said, I absolutely think there are plenty of divorced or bachelor men out there who would love to get married in the 40s, 50s, or beyond. My Fiance is one of them. I also know that some people feel like “one and done”, which is their right. I probably wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with one of them, because I do want the legal ties and benefits of marriage again.
Post # 14
Why stay with a man that you don’t see yourself marrying (if he hypothetically wanted to) I could never imagine staying with a man I couldn’t see myself marrying. I was always very open with guys I dated. As soon as it became apparant that it was “relationship material” not just FWB thing, I always was upfront “I want to get remarried one day, I am not dating just to date, I am dating to find someone to spend my life with and possibly have more kids with, if that isn’t something you want then we need to end this right now”
If everything were absolutely perfect with this guy and you posted this, I would say to do some hard soul searching and see if you could be ok with never getting married. But if you can’t see yourself spending forever with him, just leave. It is better for everyone
Post # 15
After my first marriage ended, I thought I never wanted to go through that again. Fast forward a few years, and a very good close friend of mine (also divorced, also with no intention or desire to remarry) and I both found ourselves single at the same time and realised we didn’t need to keep each other in the ‘friendzone’ any more. We decided within weeks that this was ‘it’, within months that actually we would like to be married to each other and stand up in front of the world and say we are us, and we got married a couple of weeks ago on what was more or less our first anniversary.
On the flipside, I’ve know people’s relationships last for years then fall apart within months of engagement/starting wedding planning, or shortly after a wedding; and some of the happiest, longest lasting partnerships I know are couples who are happily unmarried by choice.
I guess my point is, there’s no right answer, its what works for the two of you. You both need to be on the same page though! If being married feels like the right thing for your relationship, then commmunicate that to your partner, and if he’s adamant its not for him, then I agree with pp that you have some soul searching to do, and a decision to make…. if the two options are mutually exclusive, is it more important to be married, or to be with him?