Thoughts on Spanking

posted 2 months ago in Beehive
Post # 2
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

Part of the problem with kids and the younger generation today is that no one wants to/would spank them. Everyone wants to reason and negotiate with three year olds and *gasp* put someone in a corner. 

I was spanked, my brother was spanked, my boyfriend was spanked and there were many generations before us that were spanked.

A little bit of discipline and accountability never hurt anyone. 

Post # 3
Member
3986 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

nativegirl9109 :  

Ok.

Every kid is different. What works for one kid does not work for the other. I would not take my daughter to a school that allows swatting though.

My nephews are out of control because yelling does nothing for them. Yelling is their norm. Talking, yelling, does not work for them. They don’t have discipline and it’s affected them very badly. My bil has not found something that will work yet.

Talking works for my daughter and if I raise my voice, she stops in her tracks.

I only judge other parents discipline if they abuse their kids. There is a world of difference between a swat on the bottom or a pop on the hand than hitting your kids and leaving bruises. We have lost that, people have started to view swats on the bottom as akin to beating your kids.

Post # 4
Member
3986 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

thebeekeeper :  

Reasoning with my daughter works for now, but it probably won’t always work. 

Post # 6
Member
3986 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

nativegirl9109 :  

I think it can definitely derail your thread, so hopefully doing that will keep it on track 😊 I’m editing my comment too 

Post # 7
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

nativegirl9109 :  I am very very against spanking. For lots of reasons. Besides the reason of violence against anyone (and especially not agains people who are physically and emtionally dependant on you) studies have shown: SPANKING DOES NOT WORK. It doesn’t work people. 

When people say “talking doesn’t work” then I say, what you saying /doing is what isn’t working. Your methodology in your parenting and your attitude towards you kid isn’t working. What you do the other 22.5 hours of the day isn’t working. What your kids are doing the other 22.5 hours of the day isn’t working. 

It’s never just about “the talking” it’s about The Parenting as a whole. 

People who say “they’ve tried everything else and only spanking helps” are people who have exhausted thier parenting repetoire and feel like they have to resort to the threat of or actual physical violence to extort acceptable behavior. Basically you are saying your kid only respects you if they are afraid for their bodily and emotional well being. And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for the child and it breaks my heart for the adult who is so overwelmed they are willing break that trust. I know, and I have been there. I have been that overwelmed parent. And I made that choice at one point.  

Just to be clear: I abhorr the parenting school of negotiating every little thing with kids. It’s not effective, it’s a time suck and it is detrimental to child development.

And I think parents who spank are either are at the ends of their ropes, out of ideas or just don’t know/believe how damaging it is for kids. I DO NOT believe that “a little bit of physical dicipline” “never hurt anyone” : it’s a horrible violation of trust between a parent and a child who depend on adults to keep them safe and feel loved.  I think parents who spank need much more support and not judgement.

Parenting without raising your hand can be so so hard. People who have had easy to handle kids don’t know how hard it is and can’t give you advice. (hahahah, though they will) But it is possible and it is really a choice you can make. 

Please people, do not ever raise your hand to a child in anger.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I think that it all depends on the child, if talking doesnt work then you have to do something to get their attention. Now that does not mean that I think that you should abuse your child but when I was growing up I got spankings because I am extremely hard headed and talking/yelling at me would have never worked because I will tune you out. My little sister though she rarely ever got a spanking maybe once or twice but that was because my parents could talk to her and she would do or not do whatever it was that they wanted/needed. I also will add that I was never scared of my parents because they spanked me, they never spanked me out of anger, it was always explained to me beforehand what was going to happen to me and why. 

Post # 9
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I totally believe in spanking. I was spanked and it’s really common where I come from. But I don’t think it’s the first thing you do. Example, I have a toddler and a baby. I tell my toddler to be careful with the baby, I keep saying this to her. But when she ententionally just threw her self on top of the baby because she didn’t like me at that moment, I gave her a swat on the bottom. And luckily cought her before she full landed on the baby. I spank her in extreme cases, so not often. Other wise I’m talking and talking and talking.

Post # 11
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I don’t believe in spanking unless everything and anything else hasn’t worked and the child is being REALLY BAD. And when I say spanking I mean a quick/light bop on the butt. No HITTING or anything that really hurts them. More like a ‘hey knock it off!’ surprise them spank on the butt one time to get them to behave. 

I much prefer time outs or taking away toys to this over spanking. In all my years of babysitting (I babysat and worked at day cares and school programs from age 12-17 or so) I never ONCE spanked a child. 

Post # 12
Member
579 posts
Busy bee

There’s a fine line between abuse and discipline, and I think a lot of the difference comes down to how the spanking is delivered. It shouldn’t be done while the parent is angry…it shouldn’t come across as a reaction from the parent’s emotions, lest it may teach the child that hitting/overpowering someone when they upset you is okay. Rather, the parent needs to be calm (perhaps send the child to their room so everyone can calm down), and then explain the the child that spanking is the consequence for their disobedience and not something mommy/daddy enjoys doing. I doubt anyone *wants* to spank their kids, but discipline is a necessary part of love. As PP have said, I don’t think spanking should be the default consequence, and I don’t think every child “needs” it…but sometimes, a situation arises where it may be the most effective/appropriate consequence. And I don’t think I have to mention this, but just to clarify…spanking should *never* be hard enough to leave marks, bruises, or other lasting harm.

Personally, I think yelling/screaming at your child could be just as damaging as improper spanking. Yes, a stern word, serious tone, and/or raised voice is absolutely necessary when it comes to correction, but straight up yelling can easily cross the line into verbal abuse. My mind would just shut off when my mom would yell at me…it’s aggressive, so I’d get defensive and sometimes spiteful. She’d get mad that it wasn’t working, and then yell even more. I always preferred a quick, calm spanking over a scolding any day. Again, what are you teaching your child when you bark at them all the time? They’re likely going to learn to treat people the same way.

 

ETA: I also wanted to add, I know a common argument against spanking is that “it’s not effective” and “it teaches kids to fear their parents”. While I certainly believe that may be true for improper spanking/abuse cases, personally I had the exact opposite effect, growing up. I adored my parents, and I respected them. Obviously I never enjoyed getting spanked, but I didn’t enjoy being denied dessert just as much…those punishments were equal to me, because my parents spanked me in a way that never left any hard feelings, fear, or harm. They’d always hug me afterwards and tell me they love me. We had a great relationship when I was little, I have nothing but happy childhood memories. However, emotional damage began *after* I grew out of spanking age, and my mother’s manipulative, hyper-critical, grudgy, overbearing emotional abuse surfaced. No one ever talks about how damaging being petty to your kids could be, and I see more emotionally scarred people from having mothers like that than I’ve ever seen from kids who were spanked. 

Post # 13
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think this is a two-part answer.

1) It depends on your kid.  Some kids are just super sensitive at certain ages and just giving them a stern look is enough punishment for them.  So you have to know your kid.

2) I’m not inherently against spanking, but FH and I both agree that it is never to be done out of or in anger, and it is only for the most egregious of problems.  If you’re angry, you tell the kid to go to his room until you calm down and can explain to him the situation calmly.  And then if the issue really was just something terrible, sometimes spanking is necessary.  We believe it’s to be used as kind of a “reset button” on behaviors, not as a consistent go-to punishment.

Post # 15
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

I would never spank my children, or raise a hand against them. My mother never spanked us either as she didn’t believe in spanking. She raised 6 children alone, and some of us were wild ones. But she was able to successfully raise all of us without spanking, and we turned out just fine. Now, my cousins were all spanked as children, and they turned out just fine too. My SIL spanked her first child and would lightly swat her hand sometimes, and she’s a lovely young lady now. But that doesn’t mean I think spanking is right. I think that you can raise children without spanking them, and so that is what I will be doing. I don’t want to judge how other parents raise their children, but I would never, ever spank my children, or swat them, or whatever. It is not me and never will be.

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