Thoughts on Spanking

posted 4 months ago in Beehive
Post # 16
Member
8766 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Absolutely not.

There are scientific studies showing that spanking can cause mental health issues, increased aggression, low self esteem, anti-social behavior, and even lower their IQ. And iirc the long term effects between a child who was only “spanked” and one that was physically abused were not very different.

I really hope people do some research before giving the old “well I was spanked and I turned out fine” line.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/08/16/harmful-effects-spanking-toddler-can-trigger-bad-behavior-even-10-years-later/562203001/

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx

https://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/whats-the-problem-with-spanking/

https://www.collective-evolution.com/2017/10/06/spanking-your-child-can-have-negative-effects-on-their-personality-lower-their-iq/

https://www.parentingscience.com/spanking-children.html

 

Post # 17
Member
1725 posts
Bumble bee

I managed to raise my kids to adulthood without ever hitting them. Yelling at them was another story lol.

Post # 18
Member
2038 posts
Buzzing bee

Shesaidyes :  I abhorr the parenting school of negotiating every little thing with kids. It’s not effective, it’s a time suck and it is detrimental to child development.

I think this is where the two camps kind of ultimately split, how much leeway and authority are you able and willing to give to a child in the home. I think you’re right, too– that parents struggle a lot with this and it points back oftentimes to how they were raised. Were they allowed to negotiate on certain things, or were they spanked or heavily punished?

One thing my mom loathed was the counting thing :”I’ll count to 3 and by the time I get to 3 you better have your toys picked up!” She never, ever did that with me or my sister, it was “pick it up now or you’ll be spanked/ you’ll be grounded from toys/ shit will get real/ etc” and there was little doubt in my mind that she meant every word of that because she ALWAYS followed through on the threat. So effectively, there was no negotiation and there didn’t even have to be harsh discipline because everything was consistent. She said if I don’t do X, then Y would happen and guess what… when X wasn’t done, Y happened every. single. time. 

To me, as a stepmom and soon to be FTM in November– THAT component is more important than anything else. Follow through and consistency– so that way you’re not changing the goalposts on the child and they know what the expectation is, and they know what the outcome is– and whatever side you fall into– spanking or not, it’s a concept that can be enforced.

Post # 19
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

There was a post about spanking a couple of weeks ago and I was shocked then that it still happens in the US.

In the UK spanking,which is hitting, is illegal.

Hopefully it won’t be too long until the US follows suit.

Post # 20
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

fromatoz :  “it was “pick it up now or you’ll be spanked/ you’ll be grounded from toys/ shit will get real/ etc” and there was little doubt in my mind that she meant every word of that because she ALWAYS followed through on the threat. So effectively, there was no negotiation and there didn’t even have to be harsh discipline because everything was consistent. She said if I don’t do X, then Y would happen and guess what… when X wasn’t done, Y happened every. single. time. “

Yeah, that was pretty much my parenting style. I was a single, working parent of three kids close in age on a low income stressed to the hilt with no money, no partner and I dedcided no tv either. I did not have the time or the energy to f*** around and my kids knew it. In our house there was and still is very very little yelling. Despite my youngest who pushed all the buttons and brought me to the very ends of my parenting skills. She was so so demanding. It sucked so bad. But still, if I had to raise my voice, my kids knew shit was hitting the fan and they got in line quick.  

And that is what I mean by it being a parenting issue. What you are doing when you are not talking and yelling and spanking.

I have seen parents struggle with this. They do the talking and the threats and they go through all the motions of parenting. But it’s empty. Empty threats, empty negotiations. Rewards even with bad behavior. The whole nine yards. Parenting with reasonable consistancy is absolutely exhausting but necessary. Without it leads to kids who don’t respect boundries, limits and parents. Parenting with too much negotiation and then sometimes too little or just giving in at some point or rewarding kids to keep them quiet teaches kids to keep pushing through the parental resistance.

I don’t think these parents of kids who supposedly *need* spanking are terrible people or bad parents, I think they are mostly too exhausted or frustrated to stay consistant (’cause, yeah, it can really wear you down) and their kids are just pushing through that parental resistance to reach their goal. 

Honestly: I smacked my eldest once when she was small. It was awful for everyone. And I apologized from the depths of my being to her because I was out of control, not her. It makes me sad that physically punishing a child is so normal. Here it is essentially illegal. 

 

 

Post # 21
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Shesaidyes :  

It’s so funny that I saw this thread this morning because my three year old was in a horrendous mood. She threw herself on the grass outside of daycare, I think because she wanted her umbrella (it wasn’t raining) but she didn’t want it when I tried to give it to her.

She was way over tired and I couldn’t reason with her. I peeled her off the side walk and wrapped her in a hug and comforted her until I dropped her off.

This was because I had a bit more time this morning and I’m usually relatively patient with her and she’s usually easy going, I’m lucky.

On the other hand, I worry that things like that are spoiling her and she’s actually started to develop an attitude that I’m not fond of. Like, maybe I’m rewarding that behavior by comforting her. Each tantrum and situation can be different so I’m hoping I’m not rewarding bad behavior but I might have to play things differently as she gets older. If she did that in the store over a toy, I would peel her off the floor and walk away with her but I wouldn’t be comforting her, I would be telling her that we don’t act like that in the store. 

While I don’t judge other parents, I can’t imagine spanking her. I don’t have it in me.

Post # 22
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Shesaidyes :  

My Brother-In-Law takes the toys away but my nephew knows if he’s bad enough, he will get them back. It’s a disaster but my nephews are like that because they know that they will eventually win so they just push and push and push

Post # 23
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Sansa85 :  “She was way over tired and I couldn’t reason with her. I peeled her off the side walk and wrapped her in a hug and comforted her until I dropped her off.

This was because I had a bit more time this morning and I’m usually relatively patient with her and she’s usually easy going, I’m lucky.

On the other hand, I worry that things like that are spoiling her and she’s actually started to develop an attitude that I’m not fond of. Like, maybe I’m rewarding that behavior by comforting her. Each tantrum and situation can be different so I’m hoping I’m not rewarding bad behavior but I might have to play things differently as she gets older.”

I disagree. I don’t think you are spoiling here. You are showing her you understand her language. You feel her needs. You understand her frustration. Sounds perfect to me. You are an intuitive and  understanding mother. 

Of course we don’t always have time to tune into our kids like that. You’re not super woman. But when you can, I say YES! Absolutely. “Spoil” that child with understanding and compassion! But of course, when there’s an attitude developing I can remember reminding my kids to remember that I am a person too. I don’t like to be talked “mean” to either and being yelled at hurts my feelings too. My god, I sound so pretentious, but I can’t tell you how often in my child rearing years I told my kids to be kind to me, I was also just doing my best. It appears to have helped, they are great, empathetic and kind kids. 

Post # 24
Member
8981 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

We will absolutely not be spanking our kids. I refuse to believe that any sort of violence is necessary to raise a child.

Post # 25
Member
2505 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I will never ever spank any future children. My Darling Husband was spanked and his whole family believes in spanking but I will not tolerate it. I will never understand the logic behind spanking. People teach their kids not to hit other kids yet somehow spanking is okay?

Post # 26
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

I absolutely 100% do not believe in spanking kids, it isn’t helpful and it can actually worsen behavioral problems. My daughter’s preschool manages to control dozens of 3 year olds without spanking or timeouts. They take the kid aside and explain to them why their behavior wasn’t helpful. 

Not spanking your kids does not equate to letting them run wild with no discipline. Kids are kids and need boundaries and limits, and there are very effective ways to enforce all of this without resorting to hitting. 

Post # 27
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I took a parenting class before my daughter was even a year and a half old (it was free, after work hours, and they offered childcare, so not many excuses for someone to not attend). I can’t even begin to tell you all the judgment I got from other moms who thought they were above taking the class.

I don’t believe in spanking but I also recognize that some people’s idea of gentle parenting is a joke. I think it’s imperative to understand escalation traps and accidental rewards when dealing with toddlers so issues don’t snowball and turn the kids into brats. Also, consistency is so important when it comes to expectations and consequences, and the same goes for spanking. I think it’s counterproductive to be a “sometimes” spanker…although my child is still a toddler so I may have different opinions in the future.

Post # 28
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Personal experiences can only go as far as personal experiences. I prefer evidence based research, which says that it can be harmful. 

Post # 29
Member
42 posts
Newbee

I was hit as a child, not spanked really. Since then I swear off hitting my future children should I be blessed to have any but I don’t see the problem with sparking if that’s what it ends up being. There should be other things implemented before it leads to that, I work with toddlers and I know some parents engage in the occasional spank but since I work at this level I’m used to taking other approaches and it really helps out the parents when I can show them how to also implement it. 

Post # 30
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Nope, it’s abuse, period. There are tons of studies that show the negative effects of spanking, so I’m not here for that “I turned out fine” anectodal evidence. I was spanked and yelled at constantly and I didn’t turn out fine, it’s a daily struggle for me to manage my anger in parenting my own child. 

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