Thoughts please

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee

I’m very sorry, but he doesn’t want to marry you. Nothing you’ve said here makes it sound like he has any intention to do so; he can’t even commit to a proposal timeline several years in the future, let alone a marriage timeline, and he’s flat out told you that he “doesn’t see marriage as a priority.” 

At 32 years old and after dating for over 4 years, he should know by now whether he sees himself getting married to you. He knows he doesn’t, but he’s strining you along because he’s comfortable. Unfortunately, often times when older guys date younger women, they do it because they know younger women will put up with more BS and they’ll have a few good years before they get asked tough questions like “do you see us getting married in the future?” 

The good news is, you’re young and have your whole future ahead of you. Dump the noncommital bf and move on to better things. 

Post # 3
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

You have told him that commitment and a timeline is important to you, and those are totally reasonable desires.  It does sound like your delivery could have been better in that you blew up at him, but he seems to be blowing off your serious concerns.  He wants all of the control to be in his hands–he gets to decide when you get engaged and you don’t even get any input on the time range.  It sounds like he is not giving you enough say in the relationship.  If he can’t respect your needs and desires and at least make an effort to work towards them I say you should move on.  

Post # 4
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee, if he can’t see that his stubbornness on this issue is causing you misery, then there is a bigger problem here. In a relationship that has lasted as long as yours, a mature partner will cue in on the behaviors of theirs that make you uncomfortable. Maybe he doesn’t want to commit to marriage just yet, but he also doesn’t need to shut everything down.

He isn’t prioritizing your happiness or your sanity.

Post # 5
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

So he gave you a (long) timeline of two years, along with a disclaimer that he may or may not actually stick to said timeline.  Do I even need to say anything?  He’s not lifelong commited to you.  You’re good for now but he’s keeping his options open.  Stop wasting your time and find a MAN who takes you seriously.

Post # 6
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the other posters here. He has been dating you 4 years and can’t even commit to proposing in 2 more years. It’s time for you to state clearly what you want and walk when he doesn’t give it to you. Try to talk to him about it again. This time make yourself crystal clear. “ this relationship has two people in it. We both have a right to make decisions about our future together. I am not willing to devote an unlimited amount of time to a relationship that isn’t moving towards a proposal in the next year. After 4 years of dating it is reasonable for me to expect the person I am dating to be able to discuss and decide on a timeline that works for both of us and stick to it.” 

I really suggest you don’t give him longer than a year to propose at this point. Especially because of how he is acting. 4 years is plenty of time. My boyfriend is 32 and he is  talking to me about marriage and kids no problem. A 32 year old man knows what he wants. Give him a year. Don’t let him waste your time. Don’t let him insult your intelligence by saying he doesn’t know yet if he wants to marry you. He knows. He just doesn’t want to be single. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES have a kid with this guy without being married. Sounds like he is trying to drive the relationship in that direction. Don’t get sucked into that. Tons of waiting women on here who fell for that and now have to face leaving a guy with a small child.   

Post # 7
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

At this point you are waiting for nothing and you are expecting nothing because of what he feels and says. at this point i would start thinking about bout my future and where i want to be, do i want to be a girlfriend until he is ready or should i move on and find my husband a man who wants to marry me and commit to me. 

he doesnt want to marry you. he doesnt see himself being your husband and is dragging his feet because he knows ur not going to leave him

Post # 8
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
misshavisham25 :  You set yourself up for disappointment when you expected proposals on your past vacations when you didn’t even have serious conversations about marriage.  Adults talk about these things, not run and hide when they don’t get their way.

He doesn’t want to marry you.  He’s told you marriage is not a priority and he’s mad that you “made” him give you a timeline.  I’m not sure what you’re not understanding.

Sorry Bee.

Post # 9
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

Are we dating the same guy? I’m in the same boat with a 2 year timeline and my bf is also 32 and we have been together for 4 years.. when we first had our casual chats about marriage etc his response was always “I don’t know. Not anytime soon”. I got frustrated with this so I decided we needed to have a serious talk. I’ve brought it up a number of times but I try to make it more of a discussion and not get angry and yell. I feel the more we talk about it, the better it gets.. I wouldn’t jump to “he doesn’t wanna marry you!” unless he has specifically said he definitely does not want to get married. 

Post # 10
Member
6141 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

He doesn’t want to marry you. There is nothing to be confused about, to work on, or to improve. Youre young, leave him now and find someone better. 

Post # 11
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee

Nope, nope, nope. He is not treating you with respect.  He is not treating you with kindness. There is no magic wand that is going to change how he is acting. You have talked and he has made his choice.  Time for you to make yours. Treat yourself to some self respect.

Post # 12
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

He told you, during/right after an argument that he can’t be held to his self imposed two year timeline and that somehow changed to “a proposal should be natural and romantic so it may or may not happen in two years, no one really knows when the stars will align”.

OP, seriously. These are incongruent to each other.  

Bee, when a man wants something he gets it done.  I believe he is being honest as you say.  He may very well see himself getting married someday, but it’ll only be you if y’all don’t break up or someone better for him doesn’t come along.

I highly doubt you have a terrible traits, those traits he doesn’t like about you someone else will love.

 Don’t you ever feel like you’re suffocating yourself trying to fit yourself into the mold of “she who will be chosen by him?”

Post # 13
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

when a man loves you, he wants to be with you, give you everything he can to make you happy.
four years is MORE than enough time for someone in their 30s to know if they want to marry you or not.

as per PPs he is comfy, not interested in long term commitment. 

 

don’t spend years with someone TELLING you that he isn’t ready, isn’t sure or doesn’t ever want to marry you.

Post # 14
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry for being blunt, but he’s literally telling you he doesn’t want to marry you. You’ve pushed him into giving you a timeline that he said he may or may not even stick to, so that timeline means absolutely nothing. 

You’ve been together four years and he still has doubts about committing to you, but is happy to start trying for a family in two years? Massive red flag there bee. Don’t get pregnant by this guy, he clearly sees a marriage as more of a commitment than a child, which means he’s likely to leave you and said child or children once he meets someone he IS sure about.

He won’t marry you because he’s not sure he wants to commit to you for the rest of his life. Would you really want to push someone into marrying you who isn’t sure if you’re the one? I personally would see it as massively insulting if after 4 years of being with me someone said they still had doubts that they should marry me, but was happy for me to have their child?! So you’re good enough to have his kid but not good enough to be his wife? You would be a fool to have a kid with this guy.

I know a lot of people will advise you to give him a timeline and then leave, but I think you should just leave because he’s been pretty clear that after four years he’s still not sure you’re the one and as such won’t get married yet (if at all). I don’t think blackmailing someone who doesn’t want to get married because they’re not sure if they can commit to you is a healthy way to start a marriage and family. You’re worth much more than that.

A lot of bees are very keen on the whole timeline breakup ultimate thing as a way of pressuring men to propose, but I don’t think that’s healthy when the reason he’s not proposed is because he’s not sure about you. Yes some men drag their heels as marriage is not something they care about and need that kick up the arse to actually realise how importnant it is to their partners, but this is different to someone saying i’m not willing to propose because I’m not sure about you. Unfortunatley, I think after four years if he’s still not sure he never will be. Don’t pressure someone who’s not sure they can commit to you into marrying you for both your sakes, just leave. 

 

Post # 15
Member
11348 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
ariesscientist :  

An ultimatum, done properly, is not meant to move the other person to act.

The legitimate purpose of an ultimatum is to take care of yourself.  You do it when you’re stuck and need to move forward, one way or another.

As much as we may love our partners, the reality is that we can’t give them what we do not have.  And what many Waiting Bees don’t have is time. It’s all been used up with waiting.  You know when you have hit that wall.  After that, you’re just stockpiling resentments.

At times, taking good care of yourself means taking a huge risk. You tell your partner, Bae, you know I love you more than life itself, but I’m no longer happy with things they are.  I really need to be married and working on starting a family.  If that’s not what you want, it’s really ok.  But, I will have to move on and find someone who shares my goals.  I’ve been patient, but it’s running out, fast.  I can only give you until October 1st.  If we’re not engaged and planning a wedding by then, I will have no choice but to end things with you.

This is much better than tears, recriminations, castigations, and assaults on his character. Ugly crying and demanding to know why he won’t marry you—not a great look.

Ultimatums are a way to take your power back.  There is no manipulation involved, as long as you are fully prepared to walk. 

Never throw down an ultimatum in hopes of scaring him straight.  You have to mean it, or it really is just a shitty little piece of manipulation.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors