- 3 years ago
Hi all, this is my first post and will probably be a long one but would be good to get some feedback on my situation. In basic terms, I would like to get married fairly soon and my other half is unsure/not yet ready and so is not able to give me any sort of timeline.
I am 25 and have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years. He is 32. I was his first girlfriend in many years, and we’ve had a relatively smooth journey to date. We have our arguments and broke up briefly at the start of our relationship but nothing catastrophic, we have always been faithful and love each other very much but are both stubborn.
Until this time last year we’d never really discussed our future or marriage in any real way. We’d mentioned that we’d both like a family but no real chat about marriage. This time last year we were heading off on a really exciting vacation and a few people had asked us individually if we thought an engagement might be coming soon. At the airport before we left he warned me that no engagement would be coming on the trip and although I was initially upset that it wouldn’t be this trip, in a way I was kind of grateful for an acknowledgment that there was an expectation that he might propose and it meant that I was able to relax and enjoy our time away without thinking he was going to drop to one knee every place we went.
Not long after we got back we went to a local place which is very beautiful and scenic and on some level I thought that might be it. Nothing happened and in the interest of being honest and upfront I let him know that night that I had gotten my hopes up again and was upset that he hadn’t proposed. He became angry and startled and seemed very confused that I might have come to the conclusion that he might propose. I couldn’t stop crying and hid in the bathroom all night, it seemed so unfair that I was so ready but he couldn’t believe that I could be expecting it. I felt very unhappy about this encounter but I decided that I needed to just be patient and give him a bit of time to let the idea settle and I really didn’t want to force the issue given his reaction.
Six months passed and I managed to have another chat with him that wasn’t so bad but not great either. A few months ago we had another vacation to a very romantic place and due to a few small things that happened I had convinced myself that it must be it. Nothing happened and I was upset on the last day as I knew nothing would be happening. He couldn’t fathom why I was upset and we had a big discussion about the whole issue when we were back which led to me crying in a restaurant because he wouldn’t give me a timeline. At that point it really seemed like the only option was to break up. I left him for a few hours while I did some errands and when I returned he said he was looking at proposing in two years time. I was delighted that he was able to give me timeline and for the first time since this whole saga began I felt able to go on with my life without constantly getting my hopes up.
Just in the last few weeks we had an argument about something silly and unrelated and he turned round and said that he felt uncomfortable that I had asked him for a timeline and felt that he wasn’t able to held to a timeline on this issue, it would happen when it would happen and I’m not able to dictate when/how etc.
Basically I’m so exasperated because I know he wants to try for kids in around two years but it’s too much of a stretch for hm to say for definite he would like to propose within two years. I’d like to be married before children but he doesn’t think marriage in a priority. I know that you guys will say I am kidding myself and allowing myself to be strung along but I do know in my heart that he is honest, part of me knows it’s better to have an honest guy who tells you what you don’t want to hear than one who says all the right things but who will let you down when it really counts.
Since he has hinted that his two year timeline still stands but that he doesn’t want to be held to anything. We fundamentally disagree with regards to proposal, he feels that it should be romantic, natural, not planned etc. and I feel that we should discuss when it should happen.
I feel that I have removed every possible obstacle, I don’t want an expensive ring, have said I’d like to choose it together so there’s no fear of getting it wrong, I’ve even said I’d pay for half. I am not a needy person at all, we both have our independent lives and interests but I would really like this commitment from him for the sake of our future as a family.
More than anything it hurts me that he’s not sure enough about us to make the commitment or to even commit to making a future commitment. I never thought of him as a commitment-phobe as he moved in with no problem and wants children, worked really hard to advance his career to earn a bit more money but we seem to be at such an impasse with regards to this situation. I’m trying really hard to forget about it but every day I’m reminded by how much I want him to commit to me and it seems so vague and wishy-washy of him to not be able to give me more than what we already have.
Due to other discussions we’ve had I do believe he wants to be married eventually. I know in my heart that he is not sure because of the petty arguments we have on a semi-regular basis, and I’m trying to really really work on this because I know sometimes he can’t deal with my hot temper and propensity to get angry and over-defensive when challenged. I suppose I don’t want to have to shut down my dreams completely and it’s so hard to have zero expectations when you want something so badly. Right now it feels like I’m the one making all the compromises in a total catch 22.
Apologies for the very long post, any insight or tips for dealing with my situation would be appreciated. Right now I’m trying to work on me, have my own goals etc but it’s still hard to know every day that he’s choosing not to commit to me. The whole marriage discussion seems pretty tainted right now and it’s no longer something I feel like I can bring up openly.