Post # 1
I’m not sure what to call this post, really. Not sure if I’m venting, looking for advice, or what. I just really need an ear right now.
Last night J and I spoke about moving into a new apartment. We need to give our landlord 3 months notice before we leave, and J wants to move by this spring. The reason why we want toneed to move is because pretty soon our current building will be turning into condo’s and we can’t afford them. So we want to move before they start renovations here. Anyway, I expressed to him how I felt, saying: “I hope you understand why I want to be engaged before we move. I didn’t understand your response the other night when you said ‘I see’. When we first moved into this apartment we had plans to take the next step in our relationship, but you lost your job and that pushed things back. But this time I want to do it the right way. I’d like to have some plans underway by the time we move. Are we on the same page?”
He replied, saying that he knew what I meant when I spoke about it a few nights ago and yes, he is on the same page as I am. He said that we’re currently trying to fix the situation (from when he lost his job last year and get to the point we want to be at. He found a new job, but he’s paying down a bit of debt from those months of unemployment).
So considering he wants to move by the spring, and we both want to be engaged before we move… I guess I sort of have a timeline? Unfortunetly, I’m unsure of what to do with my current internal timeline of March 31st. Keep it or extend it just a little bit? I’d hate to sit down and have another ‘chat’ with him at the end of this month. Too much pressure in my opinion. I want to give him some space right now after our talk last night.
These are just some random thoughts that I’ve been having today.
Post # 3
I am kind of in the same position. I had “the talk” with my boyfriend recently as well. Here’s the advice that I got: now that you have laid it out there and told him when you expect a proposal by, do NOT bring it up again. You don’t want to nag. However, I would seriously consider moving on if he does not give you a ring by the deadline you set.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t sign a new lease with him until after you had the proposal.
Post # 5
I tend to agree with this.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t say anything so soon after your talk. He said he’s on the same page – so I would trust that. It looks like the delay is his finances – he’s in debt so he’s probably finding it hard to buy the ring.
But if you both find a new place and he hasn’t proposed yet – I would revisit the conversation before signing the lease. If you’re prepared to do so – walk away from the relationship. If not then, maybe live apart until he proposes.
If Spring comes and the renovations start and he hasn’t made any movement (proposal or finding a new place), then same thing – revisit the conversation, walk away/live apart ect.
Post # 7
I would get rid of your internal timeline because that’s in a month and it’s not his timeline and now you know his timeline which is not at all unreasonable. If he misses his own timeline, then hell yes there needs to be another conversation!
I agree with @MissHobbit that you should stick by your guns and not sign a lease until there’s a proposal. You could even make sure he knows you’re serious by talking about thinking about finding a roommate for just you to live with. I told my guy that I just could not see myself moving to his city (which has been the plan since he moved there 7 months ago) unless there was engagement on the way. It really made him see it from my point of view and agreed with a timeline to propose is 1-2 months after I would move to his city. So I AM moving to his city for now, but he knows I seriously could change my mind if we’re not making progress.
Post # 8
I would definitely dump the internal timeline as you just had the conversation last night and I think you are right that it would be waaaay too much pressure. That being said, if you feel strongly about having the engagement underway before the next move, DO NOT MOVE until you have it. You COULD say to him, After our conversation last night, I want you to know that I’m willing to put off moving until a little later then planned so we can get engaged FIRST, give him 6 mos, then if not… I’d think about living alone for a bit so he knows you mean what you say, and say what you mean. Easier said than done, I know :/ Hopefully he gets things rolling soon and you don’t have to make that kind of decision! Sorry you have so much frustration to deal with, hope it works out for you!!!
Post # 9
Dump the internal deadline, trust him that he will propose HOWEVER have a back up plan if he doesn’t —- put some money aside for you to get your own place or find somewhere else to stay until he actually does it. I know it is more work than you would like however if he understands your need to be engaged before moving in, then he will do whatever it take to make sure there is a ring on your finger before you move-
DO NOT SIGN THE NEW LEASE UNTIL YOU ARE ENGAGED. You can always be added on a lease but to get yourself off of one is more painful.
Post # 10
Thanks for all the advice and info everyone. I actually just got off the phone with my mom… She’s great to talk to about this stuff and I feel a little better.
My mom gave me the same advice, to drop the deadline and not sign a new lease. I would definetly not sign a new lease without a ring, but dropping the deadline was difficult. It made me feel like I gave in a little, but I think I need it for my sanity lol. For some reason my dad told my mom the other day that he thinks I should extend my deadline to at least the end of April (Easter). Not sure why, and I don’t really feel like reading too much into it.
Post # 11
I will say that you should definitely NOT move until you are engaged. Let him know “fat meat is greasy”…LOL… Don’t really worry about your March deadline because that’s a little too soon. Just try to stick to the end of spring (june-ish). That way if you all give your notice (3 months) that’s perfect. If by June he hasn’t proposed let him know that you will be moving alone, etc. Good Luck hun. The least amount of pressure the better. If he’s has an idea allow him to carry it out. Maybe he has something planned for the next month or two knowing the situation. **fingers crossed**
Post # 12
To the OP:
would you move with him even if he said he wasn’t ready to be engaged yet?
Post # 13
This is basically my dilemma right now. Our lease is up in couple months and for a long time before that I had thought to myself that this was a natural progression point where we could talk about what the future holds and if he was still unsure about what he wanted to do we’d have the option of living seperately without the worry about breaking leases, paying penalties etc.
However in the past few months it seems like he’s finally come around, saying that a proposal will happen “soon”, “before our 7th anniversary”, that I have “nothing to worry about”. I’m not sure if he’s actually done any of the step necessary to make that happen, but if I take his word for it there’s basically no need to discuss living apart.
BUT. Without a FIRM committment I’m really torn as to whether or not I want to stay in our current situation. It’s a tough situation. I still haven’t figured out what to do. I hope you figure out your answer. 🙂
Post # 14
@Taylor4: That’s so frustrating: I’m not sure if he’s actually done any of the step necessary to make that happen
That really bugs me… he agreed with my timeline and all, but is he REALLY going to do anything for it? I guess that’s where the trust comes in and letting the man make his proposal will show we won’t control them completely in the marriage, hahah.
Post # 15
I second the question, would you move in with him if you guys decided you weren’t on the same page? I would follow Mr. Bee’s advice and in this situation it would mean for you to get your own apartment. Take the pressure off and find a living situation that works for you and if you guys want to take the next step then you can. A typical engagement would last about as long as a lease so you could move back in with each other as husband and wife. It will bring the situation back into your locus of control.
Post # 16
@LaurenK0105: Yeah I think my problem before was that hey would say vague things like “soon”, or “I want it to be a surprise”. On the face of it these statements make it seem like wheels are in motion, but there’s really nothing there to hold him to. I think a timeline is better because while you do have to trust him during the timeline, if things don’t happen you can have an actual conversation about what went wrong.