Post # 107
You asked for advice on knowing whether you are on the right track. The best way to do this is to get yourself into counseling (personal, not couples). If you’re short on cash to pay for it, check with the universities in your area because they usually offer low-cost options in their training clinics. Many other therapists offer sliding scale fees depending on your income and ability to pay; you just have to ask.
The other best advice I can give is: Love is a behavior, not a word. His semi-reconciliation with you the other night sounds like a loving thing. He said that he is going to respect these boundaries you’re asking for (and definitely keep asking for them). But whether or not his behavior is concordant with his word in the long term—that is the test of his mettle.
Post # 108
Daniela – happy to hear things are getting better! I would personally urge you not to put a firm date out there for the wedding yet. It is much more important that you don’t rush into this marriage than his desire to have the whole family there.
Actions are much more important than words. I was with a guy who genuinely promised to change after I dumped him. He really truly meant it and I did take him back. At first it was all amazing and he did the things he said he would do (eg addiction counseling). But as he felt more secure that we were back together, he slowly reverted back to his old behaviors. He only was able to sustain the "new" him under the duress of losing me, and that just doesn’t work.
I think you need enough time under your belt in this new relationship to see that he really truly has changed by his actions – and only time can tell that.
Post # 109
I had a paragraph wrote about your daughter thinking it’s normal for men to treat women like this, how I can spot the warning signs of control, how you don’t deserve anyone to treat you like your Fiance treated you etc.. I’m afraid though that we could all talk till we’re blue in the face. Hopefully this will end well but I’m afraid to say I’m very skeptical. I wish you all the best though, I really do.
Post # 110
Congrats to you on being strong and standing up for what you need. Please, please continue. I wish you the best.
Post # 111
What!??! I am so sorry you have to go through this – have you talked more about it since?
Post # 112
Hi, just checking in, everything is fine, we are going to counseling soon and no, the wedding is not set on any dates, we don´t even know if it is going to happen next year because we have to both pay for it and find a place to live after that so we are looking at our options.
I just wanted to ask you something, I know some of you (or most of you) don´t agree with my decision of taking him back, and that´s OK, I´m not doubting my decision, but I understand why someone would disagree.
My question is: is it right for my mom to say she is not supporting us and doesn´t what to be involved in any way with us for good or bad? I know she is affected by this, but were does the line of a personal decision ends? How can she decide she doesn´t want a relationship with her daughter and granddaughter because I didn´t do what she would have done?
I know we have a lot to work on, and I think paying for our own wedding and finding a place to live is great because it would give us time to work on everything. Things have changed and will continue to change, and she can´t see that because she just cut me out of her life!
Post # 113
I think your Mother is doubtful that things will work out for you guys and worried that you will be hurt. Your Mother has every right to be concerned given all thats just happened but, I think that by not being by yourside she risks pushing you away. It’s a tough situation for her to be in, she can a.) Support and give blessing for a marriage that she does not belive in or b.) Be honest about how she feels and not take anything to do with it risk being distanced from you. If your Mother ultimately does not support the wedding will will you go ahead and marry this man anyway (as long as he changes for the better), regardless of what your Mother thinks? It sounds like she truly has your best interest at heart but, she’s in a sticky situation. It seem she simply does not wnat to see her daughter in heartache.
Also, it’s only been a few days or so, it’s going to take a lot more than a few days of change from this guy to prove to your Mother that he is a better person. He has to regain her trust and the trust of others, including yourself.
Post # 114
Your mother is probably practicing some tough love. You said this is not new behavior for him, so you’re continuing to allow him to treat you badly and teach your daughter that’s how men behave. Why would he change this time if he hasn’t in the past? Maybe she thinks this is the only way she can get through to you.
Post # 115
I definitely have an opinion on this-which I am very certain of, but will keep to myself.
What I WILL say is this: Daniela, if your daughter was old enough to understand what was happening, how would you feel? Would you be proud of the family that she is growing into and the examples she is witnessing to base her own life on?
If your daughter was in your shoes, how would you feel for her?
Post # 116
Daniela, I’m never one to recommend trashing a relationship out of haste. Relationships are work and there are goods and bads, ups and downs, the whole way. My only questions to you are HOW DO YOU FEEL? ARE YOU HAPPY with him in spite of being treated the way you are? Do you now feel insecure about your future bc of his behavior? Do you feel like no matter what he always comes back and that in spite of this act of disrespect he loves you and is in it for the long haul? I think your answers to these questions really determines whethere you should marry this man. If you are not happy and will forever feel insecure in his arms trying to live up to impossible standards, then I say get out now. If you are happy more often than not and feel secure in his love and your relationship I think the couseling is the right answer.
As for your mother, I think she is over-reacting. Family should always be supportive, even if they don’t agree with your decisions. You are going through a hard enough time without her making it worse with her judgement. Hope this helps – ETP
Post # 117
Daniela, I have been reading your posts. My heart goes out to you. I am so sad that you decided to take him back. Your question was about whether your mother is right not to support you. Your mother has supported you (and him, if that’s where he was living) for a long time. If she withdraws her support after all this time, that should make you think. Yes, she is right not to support you. She is trying to stop you from doing one thing that can REALLY mess up a woman’s life: marrying the wrong man.
Has it occurred to you that it has hurt your mother, probably hurt her very deeply, to watch you going through all of this time and again? She may not have the strength to watch anymore.
I hope everything works out. But I have a question for you: if everyone, from your mother to your father to dozens of women on Weddingbee, are saying that his behavior is unacceptable and you need to walk away for your sake AND your daughter’s sake, then:
Why are you listening to the only person who DOESN’T have your best interests at heart?
Daniela, maybe he can change and maybe he can’t. But don’t stick around long enough to find out!
I’m sending you all my love.
Post # 118
I understand your mother’s actions. This man does not seem to be the type of person you deserve and she has seen to get hurt time and time again by him. I am sure it pains her to see her daughter and granddaughter being treated like they are not important, and with you deciding to take him back, I think I would probably do the same thing, and want to distance myself to avoid feeling the pain of watching this cycle again. I am not saying that you are wrong for trying again. My mother sat back while my father treated her badly for 15 years. Yes, they are better now, but was 15 years of pain really worth it? I don’t think it was. And I don’t think you deserve it either.