- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
I’ve created a new account to post this as I am still in semi-denial that this is happening.
Last three years I have been with a man that is fun, intelligent, caring and loves me to bits. We did so many things together, travelled the world, moved to a new country, all while both holding professional jobs and supporting each other through life’s little ups and downs. Life with him is fun and never boring, I know I can count on him to support me whatever I decide to do and to allow me to be me. I love this guy. He is affectionate, he is caring, and most of all thorugh little actions that he does every day I can see how much he really trully loves me.
So it breaks my heart that he lies to me.
The first time I picked up on it was about two years ago. It was a pretty major lie where he said he was going on a business trip but instead went for a fun weekend with his guy friend. This was an aweful experience and the first time ever that someone has lied to me like that. He was so sorry and worked so hard on keeping us together. We went for couple’s councelling for a few months and made it through. Last year, we got engaged.
He will claim that he has not done anything that can even compare to that first incident afterwards, but he did lie to me a number of times since.. approximately every 2-3 months a lie will come to a surface and things will blow up. According to him, they were all “innocent white lies”. The trust that we are meant to be rebuilding since that first incident, kept on getting broken over and over again.
There were so many lies over the last two years that I’m embarassed to even mention it. Most of them I can’t even remember because they were over such insignificant, trivial things.
About two months ago, we separated for a week as I wanted to take some time to distance myself and have a good think about this whole lying thing. He begged and pleaded for us to make it work, promised he would tell me everything. I could see just how much he cared, how badly he felt, and how determined he was to stay with me. We made it through (again). He agreed to see a councellor and had overall about eight sessions. We moved ahead with wedding plans.
And the same happened again. The same old vicious cycle of feeling beaten down by lies:
First, I catch him in a lie. Then, I give him an opportunity to tell me the truth. He doesn’t. I give him 10 opportunities to be honest. He still doesn’t. Then, I tell him how I know that he is lying. At this point he admits to it but flips things around, either blaming it on me for cornering him (and my fault for getting upset) or minimizing it (didn’t remember, not a big deal). This upsets me so much, usually I end up crying and running out. And in the case of this most recent incident, spending a night in a hotel. I know, aweful..
Then he calls me a number of times, wants to talk it out. Tells me the truth. Tells me everything. Or so I think. Then maybe two hours into the conversation I find out that for the last two hours he still wasn’t telling me 100% truth!! He starts crying, apologizing, saying how much he loves me and that he doesn’t intent to hurt me. Doesn’t want to lie. It just happens. By this point I feel like a huge giant truck has just run over me.
This is so painful. I love this guy and I don’t even for a second question his love for me. But I think he has a compulsive lying disorder. He doesn’t agree with that. He is very sorry for hurting me but at the same time he thinks that he is doing his best and that 95% of the time he is being completely honest with me (and I should be ok with the other 5% of the time because other people do it too ???). He thinks I am making too much of a big deal about this and that overall we have a great life together. That his lies are non-intentional and that he would never do anything bad to hurt me.
We have a big wedding coming up in three weeks. More than 20 people are flying in from other parts of the world. I feel so let down and disappointed. Clearly, this habit of his, can’t be changed. He is 37. I’m 32. He’s tried, he went for councelling. I gave loud and strong messages in the past.
I know in my heart that I cannot turn a blind eye and have a happy life knowing that my husband is anything less but 100% honest with me. I wish so hard that things could be different. I wish he could see how much hurt and pain his “innocent” lying is causing. I wish he could see how this lying has changed the way I look at him and think of him. I wish I could give him all my love unconditionally and not always wonder what is he keeping away from me now. This lying is turning ME into a person I don’t want to be. I want to go back to being my innocent happy self, a girl that trusts people and loves life, not a girl that is constantly quesitoning his doings.
If I end this now, I will be absolutely hartbroken. We have so many good things going on. And there is always a thought that “noone’s perfect” so this is his imperfection. If we call off the wedding, there is no going back to try to make things work from there. No opportunity for him to open his eyes to the fact that he has a problem, a real problem, and to try to do something about it. If we end it here, it’s pretty much done-done.
If I continue with this wedding, I will most likely lead a happy life except for every 2-3 months when I will be emotionally devasted to find out that my husband is lying to me again. (so how happy could I be really?) I could only hope that his lies would continue to be “innocent” lies and that down the road they won’t turn into worse things… I don’t see a positive outlook and I’m so scared. Lying can’t be something that you “just accept” in the other person, can it? I’m so afraid that nothing will change and that his lying will emotionally beat me down until I can’t stand it any more.
Wow. This is not where I imagined myself to be just before my wedding. It’s not what I was thinking about even two days ago when we were telling each other how excited we both were about the wedding. I am feeling so hurt at the moment, words can’t describe it. And in case you are wondering why the heck I stayed around after so many lies, please read the first paragraph.
That turned out to be an essay… thank you for reading….