(Closed) Three weeks to our wedding and he has lied to me

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
917 posts
Busy bee

@somethingblue20: . You have to explain to him that he needs to be honest about other females contacting him. Yes, you might get upset but you will get over it a hell of a lot quicker then constantly going through this cycle of him (poorly) trying to cover his tracks.  I personally wouldn’t want to keep going through this cycle. It’s not worth your sanity. 

Post # 34
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@somethingblue20:  You answered all your own questions…Either way you’ll be heartbroken. But one will eventually heal and the other will drag on for the rest of your life.

ETA: I also really, truly hate to say this, but the fact that you keep “getting over it” and taking him back is only teaching him that he really doesn’t have to change in order to keep you.

Post # 35
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I just wanted to chime in, and say that it sounds like besides the guys night that he lied about, which by the way you forgave him for…..you have no basis as to why to overreact!

If you forgave him for his first lie, although it was a big one…you should have left it at that.  

These smaller lies, or omissions I really think you need to pick your battles.  It sorta sounds to me like you always need to know what he’s doing, or where he is next, where he plans to be, who texted him if his phone vibrates.. that’s the vibe i’m getting anyway.

If that’s the case, I can see why he would cover up a lie, with a lie, and then dig himself so far in he doesn’t even want to bother until he needs to (when you show evidence).

If YOU trust him, then stop catching him or waiting to catch him…..if you think he’s cheating on you…then leave! If he’s taking trips with women, or vegas weekends with the boys…then leave! If not, then I don’t really get the big deal.

Post # 37
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@somethingblue20:  Him being a pathological liar (which he is) is a problem. Him refusing to see it as a big deal and blaming you for it is a much bigger one.

This is a man that will gaslight you, make you second guess yourself, and never be totally trustworthy, for the rest of your life. What about later, when he has to work late one night? Will you believe that, or that something else is happening? Can you afford to believe that?

He knows this hurts you. He has seen it hurt you over and over, and yet refuses to stop. He then goes on to say how it isn’t a big deal – i.e., your hurt is not legitimate. This shows a lack of respect and care, in addition to the pathological lying itself.

And what will this do to children? Will they grow up believing it is OK to just lie sometimes? What about when that lie becomes, to their teacher, “My mommy hits me sometimes!” or something similar?

Usually lying like this is a biproduct of some deep emotional hurts, and the liar does it to avoid conflict or boost themselves up to look better, thinking they won’t appear good enough if they tell the plain truth. It can be tempting to stay with someone like this, because their self esteem is so messed up, you feel like breaking up with them will just crush them further, which I am sure in some respects is true. BUT, if you stay with a person like this, what it is truly doing is reaffirming their notion that the way to success is through lying. You are, in essence, making their lying worse by accepting it in this way, as they will think that is what really saved the relationship.

Post # 38
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Encore Bride, and an Oldtimer here…

TRUTH is, your guy is a COMPULSIVE LIAR… when he says he can’t help himself, that may very well be true

(OR NOT… you won’t know… and honestly, he probably doesn’t either)

It is a disorder, he needs PROFESSIONAL Help for it, no matter WHAT YOU DO, isn’t gonna work

And ADMITTING he has a problem is the first step

He’s been to counselling and NOT getting any better (by your measurement, and that is the ONLY one that counts)

As others have said, you are in a tough spot being so close to the Wedding

It isn’t pretty calling off a Wedding at this point in time… for either of you

BUT I can tell you this as someone who married my first Hubby when I was young (early 20s), I saw warning signs (he was a Binge Drinker, and 20+ years later a full blown Alcoholic with a ton of other issues that were brought on BECAUSE of his drinking… lieing will be similar… the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM WILL ONLY GET BIGGER AND BIGGER OVER TIME)

I should have listened to my head, and put my heart aside.

I would have saved myself a lot a grief

When we were Engaged my guy said he could “change / control his problem” etc.  He couldn’t / didn’t so it only got worse over the years

If I had my life to live over, and know what I know now, I wouldn’t have married him…

Breaking off an Engagement is bad… ending a Marriage much much worse… devastating.  Take all the excitement and thrill that we see on WBee, and the polar opposite is Divorce… it truly is the most awful feeling of failure in the world (even if it isn’t your fault, and the Divorce is justified like mine was)

The end of hopes, dreams, and years & years of memories, history, joint families etc

It is worse if you have kids

I wouldn’t wish Divorce on my worst enemy

I cannot tell you what is the right solution for you… but I have known a compulsive liar, their worlds (and those they make for others around them) is a mess

I couldn’t live a life with someone like that.

Marriage is very much about TRUST

Lieing breaks trust… eats it as sure as acid

(And how do you teach your kids not to lie… and we all have to do this teach our kids morals and ethics, and it is hard enough… when Daddy is a liar, and gets away with it ??)

Nah, I don’t think I could do this

Too much heart-ache & disappointment

As they say, sometimes LOVE isn’t enough

Sorry… ((( HUGS )))

 

Post # 39
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

@somethingblue20:  Are you really okay with this behavior? If you’re not, like you say in your OP, how can you be thinking of spending the rest of your life with this man?

Post # 40
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@somethingblue20:  You’ve tried with him. You’ve gone to counselling. But enough is enough. 

I’m one of those Bees who’s pretty quick to advise an OP to leave their lying SO, but it sounds like you trust that he’s not cheating on you despite what it may sound like to other people. I believe in you when you say that he’s not cheating, and you’re the best judge of his character.

So I’m not saying you need to leave right this second, it’s the only solution. But you do need to give him one more ultimatum. Let him know that you believe he isn’t/hasn’t cheated. But also tell him that it’s his behavior, his habit of lying that is breaking you down. Tell him he simply should never feel cornered, that there is just no excuse for him to lie, big or small, again. I don’t doubt that he loves you very much, but if he can’t consistently tell the truth, for your sake, because his lies hurt you so much, then he may not love you enough.

Can you postpone the wedding? If only 20 people are flying in, I hope they have travel insurance. Even if they don’t however, I really think it’s in your best interest to either postpone or cancel the wedding outright.

Post # 41
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

@somethingblue20:  Im sorry I think you have bigger problems here, I dont think he has problems with being a “liar” He chooses what he is doing, Going back to the first lie he told you by choosing not to tell you he was going on a “fun weekend”…thats devious and set the tone for your relationship.

 

 

 

Post # 42
Member
804 posts
Busy bee

He lies continuously and then tries to turn it around on you – he doesn’t sound like stellar husband material. It sounds like you don’t trust him now and that you never will, which I absolutely understand given how many times he’s lied to you. In my fairly black and white view it looks like either if you stay you’ll spend the rest of your life worrying that he’s lying to you, or you break up now and have a chance to find someone who is worth your trust. Also, compulsive lying isn’t an involuntary ‘sickness’. He’s choosing to lie to you. I’m sorry to sound harsh, but I genuinely think you deserve to not spend the rest of your life wondering if he’s lying to you. Personally, it would drive me mad. Also, even if people are flying in for the wedding, I’m sure they can entertain themselves and make a holiday of it even if it doesn’t go ahead.

Post # 43
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@MexiPino:  my thoughts exactly.

OP, I’m not excusing his behavior; lying is absolutely not acceptable and he needs to man up and take responsibility for this. However, it sounds as though you may also have a problem with trust and overreacting when it comes to other women. Women are going to contact him in the future: through work, sports events, socially, whatever, and if he feels like every time you’re going to overreact, guess what, he’s going to continue to lie about it.

Maybe both of you need to go to counseling together and both deal with your issues so you can find a happy balance. If he’s not cheating and you both love each other (which it seems you do) maybe you can work through this. Good luck.

Post # 44
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@somethingblue20:  this doesnt sound healthy at all. why cant he go to parties where there r girls or have a female friend msg him or go away with the boys? how soon into the relationship did u get insecure about what he would get up to without u there?

 

u need to get the out! serously if my husband went away somewhere & completely told me something different this is a huge breech of trust that would take me months to forgive because he would have to be up to something. this is someone u will buy a house with, have kids with & who u need to rely on for the rest of ur life. yes he lies to u cos hes a little boy not wanting to get into trouble & it will never ever stop.

 

I dont envy u for a second. u have some big decisions to make before everyone arrives

Post # 45
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Regular bee going anon for this one..

 

@somethingblue20:  I struggle with the same habits or tendencies that your fiancé exhibits, so I can sympathize. Ill caveat this with, im not lying about major things, im not cheating, ect. It never feels like I am lying, but feels like I’m withholding the truth to prevent conflict or anyone from being upset or disappointed in me. I totally disagree with bees saying he’s a pathological liar. its more a coping mechanism. For me it’s also an independence thing… I want to do what I want, when I want. But, then I feel guilty about it, and lie. 

What helped my relationship was to first realize why I was doing this and communicate it, second — try my best to avoid situations where I’d need to avoid conflict, and third — start in a place of full trust with FI;  it exacerbated the situation when my Fiance behaved in a similar way that you behaved… Prodding and blowing up about the truth. If you blow up about the truth, or react in the way he is trying to avoid, it just reinforces the behavior. 

Fiance and I are in a much better place today. Ive changed my behaviors as best that i can. He knows and accepts that my behavior is part of who I am; just like your Fiance, i am smart, pretty, talented, in a high powered job… i care about him and others, one day if i choose to i may be an amazing parent, and this is just my flaw.

 

Can you accept that this is a flaw that may never change? 

Post # 46
Member
11232 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@This Time Round: This times a million

a) He is lying to you time and time again, over nothing. This is a HUGE problem.

b) When you ask him about these things, he blows up and blames you. This is another huge problem. This is in no way your fault.

My ex was sort of like this. He never lied to me (I don’t think), but he’d often turn things, anything, around on me, to the point where I really did start believing that things were my fault. It was insane. 

My point is that you deserve better. Someone who doesn’t lie to you and then blame you for it or turn it around on you.

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