(Closed) Three weeks to our wedding and he has lied to me

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@somethingblue20:  You didn’t answer the question I was trying to get at, let me try to rephrase: do you think you and him have different ideas of what is acceptable behavior in a relationship? I don’t mean the lying, I mean general behavior. Could he want more freedom than you are willing to offer? Maybe even more independence than either of you think is reasonable? Could you possibly be considered controlling or jealous?

If your Fiance is constantly lying about things he knows you don’t approve of, then the problem in your relationship is NOT his lying. It’s a fundamental difference of opinion in what is okay or not okay to do in a relationship. The lying is only a symptom.

If your Fiance always told you the truth about these things and they always resulted in a fight, or in you hen-pecking him, you wouldn’t be any better off than you are right now. You would be less of a victim, but still in trouble. 

However if you are totally ok with the things he lies about — that is, you’d have no problem with them if only he was upfront — then the issue is as simple as his lying. 

I don’t know, but I’m *guessing* this is more a relationship problem than a lying problem. He doesn’t sound like a pathological liar. Pathological liars lie for no reason whatsoever, whereas it sounds like your Fiance has good reasons not to tell you certain things.

If you can objectively decide if the lying is THE problem, or if it’s only a symptom, you’ll be in a much better position to see what to do. The two different problems require two different solutions. It might be hard for you to objectively look at this issue, because in one scenario you are an innocent victim, whereas in the other scenario you are equally culpable. 

Post # 48
Member
2480 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Right now your life sounds more like a series of police interrogations than it does a happy and secure relationship. This isn’t healthy for either of you.

However, I wouldn’t necessarily call your Fiance a pathological liar. What he’s currently doing is damage limitation of the sort that turns round and bites him because yes, he will be found out eventually if he’s interrogated for long enough. What seems to be the root of your problem is a basic lack of trust about situations. You are clearly unhappy with him having contact with women friends and instead of him being open and upfront and tackling your anxieties in this respect, he hides behind a web of fabrication.

I think you both need counselling so that you can move beyond this current, unhealthy state of affairs. 

ETA: Absolutely agree with valintine ‘s post. The lying is a symptom of some fundamental differences in how you both perceive acceptable behaviour in a relationship. 

 

 

Post # 49
Member
3616 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@somethingblue20:  This is the man who will be daddy to your kids. They will learn that they’ve got a daddy they can’t count on and cannot trust.

I woudln’t do that to my children.

This is–if you will be having kids. If not–whatever, marry the guy. It’s just YOU you are putting at risk.

Whatever the dynamic between you two, this lying thing is a huge problem.

 

Post # 50
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I’m definitely not a Bee that advises up and leaving before you’ve turned over every stone to work things out, but it looks like you two have both given it an honest shot and tried counseling several times but nothing has changed. 

About 10 years ago, I was with a guy who turned out to be an alcoholic, but at the time I was pretty stupid and didin’t realize that he had a real problem. We would go through the same scenario you descibed, he would lie all the time to me.  Later, I even preferred he just be drinking than deal with the behaviors of having that sickness such as lying, secretiveness etc. That I knew I couldn’t trust him hurt the worst, and also like you said -it weighed on me and changed me into a person I didn’t like. I was paranoid, always questioning him, constantly sifting through what he would tell me trying to figure out if it was the truth or a lie. Overall, we had mainly good times though, he loved me so incredibly much and was a really wonderful person-he just couldn’t keep it together. It got to the point where we would either take the next step and get married or be done. And that was my decision if I could live with 90% blissful happiness and 10% pain, anger and not being able to trust him like I should. After 2 years, the 10% started to outweigh the happiness in the 90% and I felt there was no way I could handle going through that same argument every couple of months for the rest of my life. And if we married, I felt it would only be a matter of time until I couldn’t take anymore and just left and there was no way to continue our relationship knowing that, so as much as it broke my heart, I had to end it.

It seems like you’re already there, leaving him to get space when he lies to you, changing into someone you don’t like to see, unhappy and untrusting. I know what you’re dealing with, and as much as he loves you and you love him-you have to decide if you want this particular man more than you want trust and peace for the rest of your life. Don’t worry about the people flying in overseas and let that pressure you into making your decision. This is the rest of your life you’re committing to. You will find love again if you leave, but you may not ever have peace if you stay. 

Post # 51
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think he most definitely needs to quit lying to you, but you need to trust him more. He feels the need to lie because you overreact about his every move that involves another woman. That doesn’t excuse his lying becuase he should man up and be honest, but give him some credit. If he’s a great guy that wouldn’t do anything to hurt you then what is the harm in getting a text from a woman?

You guys should attend therapy TOGETHER, not just him. I sya stick together, but attend therapy starting as soon as you can to work this out together.

Post # 52
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@somethingblue20:  Get out now. Losing any deposits you may have made is a lot less expensive than a divorce (or the cost of an unhappy life). Be strong, this is not the life you want or deserve.

Post # 53
Member
10671 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@arabbel:  

+10,0000

Post # 54
Member
4431 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@megz06:  Agree !

Post # 55
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

All his lies and actions sound like me when I was 18-21 years old with my ex. I was constantly lying about stupid stuff to my Boyfriend or Best Friend and slipping up and getting caught later on. I’m not exactly sure why I would do it but I guess it had to do with me being independent, needing my ME time and not appreciating what I had. Even though I was young I did love him and was sure he had to be the one. We tried to make it work but the relationship just fell apart. I lied and hurt him way too many times. He wasn’t a saint either but I admit and take full responsibility for creating the “no trust” within the relationship. Once lies come into play it can turn ugly … no trust … turns into arguments … which can lead to a very unhealthy relationship. I was young, immature and over the years grew up. I learned a lot from that dysfunctional relationship.

 

If it were me it would be time to walk away. He hasn’t changed which therefore means he most likely never will. Sorry. I hope whatever decision you make that you end up happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 57
Member
4691 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Sweetie, you nead to leave that relationship. Now. Do you want a child who will be like him?

Post # 58
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ve been where you are and all I can say is BE VERY CONSIDERATE over the next weeks/days leading up to the wedding. Once you are married you are legally/financially bound and any lies/fraud he may commit WILL detrimentally affect you. There are RED FLAGS in relationships and this is a BIG ONE. Trust is a non-negotiable. Clearly you’ve tried working this out over tears, time, and pre-marital counseling but nothing has changed. It would be foolish to assume that it will after you are married.

I have never advised anyone NOT to get married but speaking as an attorney, your legal and financial future with this man seriously concerns me.

Post # 60
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

So ask yourself this:  If you marry and he changes 100% and starts to always tell you the truth, will you always trust him and never bring up the past and hold it against him?  Will he never start an arguement over you overrecting to everything that’s not a big deal like you always do? 

You don’t forget the past, even if you forgive.  I left an ex because I knew even if he changed, I could never not resent him for treating me like he had.  It wasn’t fair to our future to hold it against him forever.  Also – I knew I couldn’t ever trust him.  I hated what I’d become, so I left and never looked back and couldn’t be happier about it.

Post # 61
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

If you don’t stop this wedding, you need to be prepared for the rest of your life to be exactly as it has been up until this point.  It will not change after your wedding.

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