I get the message loud and clear. I’m still on the fence. Let me write something that may not actually make a difference but will simply explain why it is a difficult decision to walk away and give everything up.
I was in a long term, almost got engaged, type of relationship prior to this. We had issues and ultimately it ended. It was a huge deal and it took me over a year to get over it and actually start seeing other people again. During that time, I did a “silly” expercise while I was at the beach one day – I wrote a list of all the things I didn’t like about my then ex (to help me get over it). Once I finished, I wrote a new list, of all the things I was looking for in a boyfriend, and oh boy, I kept on writing and writing till I could not think of one more thing to add. I don’t mention this to anyone because people may interpret it in their own way, but yup, I actually wrote a pen and paper list of what type of person I was looking for. Now, I did not carry this list with me, not like that at all, it kind of got stashed away.
About a year after my break-up I started dating again. And I went on a lot of dates. I was 27-28 at the time, good job, independent, living in the big city, absolutely having an open mind in terms of who I meet. I went on a lot of dates. By a lot, I mean over 15-20 different men in a period of about 2 years. At the minimum they lasted for 3-4 coffee dates, at the most they lasted 2-3 months. They ranged from professional career guys, to grad students, and anything in between. With the exception of a couple, I had a strong “no sleeping around” policy, I didn’t want to complicate things but simply wanted to see each person at least 3 or 4 times to feel like I’m getting a good sense of who they are. None of those people had that “something” that I was looking for. Not one of them striked me as someone I could be with long term.
After about two years of dating I met my current Fiance. Things were not smooth from the start, we are both head strong but in a way that may be what attracted me to him. I felt for the first time I had found someone that might be my match. I remember after having one fight, accidentally coming across my old list, and reading it for the first time after few years …… I was so suprised to see that he was most of the things I wished for!!! He checked so many boxes. We don’t have any other issues other than this one (and huge) issue.
And this is why I’m sitting on the fence. Because after a long time I had found someone who had the qualities I was looking for (him), because he ticks more boxes than any other person I dated did, because there are no other issues in our relationship. And because I see that he is a good guy who does stupid things and I see how willing he is to try and fix it and conversations like the one with the therapist today make me feel like it’s not the end of the world and things can be better.
I’m not saying that the wedding is not off ….. that is a very possible reality. I’m 50/50 at the moment……..