(Closed) Three weeks to our wedding and he has lied to me

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 64
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Calling off a wedding right before it happens hurts a lot, but it doesn’t have major life consequences. You will get over the heartbreak and people will be bored very soon of talking about it. Then you’ll go on to meet someone who loves you and  doesn’t lie to you.

 

Marrying a compulsive liar and living like that, or divorcing him, however, are both major life consequences. In your heart, you know what you have to do.

 

Love, strenght, and if you need a virtual shoulder to cry on, feel free to PM me

Post # 65
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@somethingblue20:  Well, the decision is yours on whether or not the improvements are enough for you.  Improvements are great, but are they great enough to make a difference in how comfortable you feel about spending the rest of your life with this man?  It isn’t coming across that way…  I’m sure your therapist is great, but never take her advice over your gut feelings!

Post # 66
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@somethingblue20:  It sounds like you have a great therapist, and also that you’re both committed to making things work (you trying not to overreact and him facing conflict). I totally disagree with the doomsday messages from other posters. I think his lying will stop when truthfulness is continually rewarded. The more he sees you not get upset by information, the more honest he’ll be. 

If this is the only major issue in your relationship, I think you’ll be just fine. Especially because you don’t seem to have any doubt in his faithfulness. It’s also a really good sign that you’re both so willing to see a therapist and work through things. Stop going to hotels, keep up the therapy sessions, and have a wonderful wedding!

Post # 67
Member
7683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@LMD:  +1  Because this does bother you A LOT, and you have dealt with it over a long time without marriage, I would think long and hard about whether I could live with him over many years without much change.  It’s also possible to postpone, until you make a decision on his progress.

Post # 68
Member
3101 posts
Sugar bee

@somethingblue20:  I could not physically stand to be in the same apartment with him

It seems like this should be your answer.  He needs intensive psycological counseling, not couples therapy.  Just from reading what you’ve written, it seems highly likely to me that he is cheating.  This sounds very unhealthy and unfair for you.  I hope whatever you decide to do, it all works out for the best in the end!

ETA Call me crazy, but I think he loves me too much to cheat on me

This would make sense if only men who don’t love their SO’s cheat.  I believe it’s very possible to love someone very very much and still cheat.

The therapist does not think that he is a compulsive lier or a pathological lier. She believes that his lying is all related to wanting to make our relationship better – and that means avoiding any possibility of a conflict that may come up

Sounds pretty compulsive/pathological to me.  If he was truly trying to avoid conflict and nothing else, he would learn from the pattern of his lying behavior that it always eventually does lead to conflict, and he would want to end that cycle.

Post # 69
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow.  I can’t imagine how hard this would be to deal with.  If I had gotten in as deep with him as you it would feel damn near impossible for me to tear myself away, and to the horrible “healing process” that I’d be leading myself into.

 

But let us be your my orbjective, clear minded advisors: leave him.  His actions make him sound like a hopeless addict – saying he’ll change, but he never does.  Go through the short term paid to save yourself in the long term.  

 

Can you imagine how much worse it will be when your finances are intertwined?  Or with children involved?  Do you want the father to your children to lie to them, or to teach them to be liars?

 

Leave him.  It’ll be ok.  

 

Post # 70
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@somethingblue20:  With all due respect to those who would have you believe that what you do or do not do holds the key to him changing, that is completely false.  You will never, ever be able to change another human being no more than another human being can change you.  The only person you can control is yourself.  So please do not allow yourself to feel any twinge of pity or guilt based on the wrong belief that if you just do X or Y then he will do Z.  I am also a survivor of a relationship with an alcoholic.  I even rode it out and supported him while he became sober over 7 years and into my early 30s.  But there were still fundamental issues about his character that were too deeply seated in his upbringing to go away.  So unfortunately I had to go away and now am marrying the man of my dreams in less than 90 days.  You have done everything within your power.  Hopefully he will be able to improve one day.  But gambling on a lifetime with this man and possibly having him be the father to your children with what you know is a huge risk to take.

 

The motto that I live by is from the great Maya Angelou…”When someone shows you who they are, Believe them the FIRST TIME.” 

 

He is who he is.  You are who you are.  Don’t take on the false responsibility of changing him.  Accept him and accept that what you want and what he can provide at this time is not a fit.

Post # 72
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@somethingblue20:  I totally get it.  After I left my ex, I also made the same list of over 50 characteristics on my birthday, September 15, 2011 at a Chinese Buffet restaurant.  I still have it and keep it in my drawer in a ring box.  In November of 2011 I began dating my FH.  We became exclusive in December 2011.  He proposed in May 2012.  We had been loose acquaintances for the same amount of time I was with my ex, 7 years.  He also fit about 95% of everything on that list and lived 5 minutes away the entire time.

Even now, I believe strongly that no one can make that final decision but you.  I am only saying that marrying the man your FH is right now, today, means that at this moment you would be marrying an admittedly habitual and pathological liar.

This means you must ask yourself the same question I asked myself all the time with my FH during our year and a half engagement.  Is there anything about my FH that I would have a problem accepting for the rest of my life if he never changed, and is there anything I would have a problem exposing my children to?  The answer in my current situation is an absolute no.

If on your wedding day you can 100% say that same thing then by all means go forward.  If not, then only you can decide what to do.

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