(Closed) Throwing Etiquette Out the Window

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@ cheapchicbride

I totally agree with your thread.  I am deathly afraid of bad debt (anything outside of a mortgage/student loan/minimal credit card).  I simply refuse to add more expenses (children, +1s)  just to please others.  *throws holy water on bad debt* Laughing

Post # 63
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Belle2Be: well she did personally thank everyone by either phone or in person (and not like a year afterward, very soon afterward- they had a week before flying back lol) So I think that makes up for it!

Post # 64
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

@Bellanouva: Well, the point of the written thank you card is for the gifts, not really just for coming. So I don’t *think* a personal thank you really counts as “proper” etiquette, unless no one got her a gift. 😀

Post # 65
923 posts
Busy bee

AMEN!!! You totally said everything my SO and I have been saying for months now!! And you did it in such a funny way!! I’m also having to invite people I don’t want there, like co workers who invited themselves and their crappy boyfriends, and my Maid/Matron of Honor decided she wants her mother… without even getting the invite which wasn’t going to include a plus one. I hate all the “don’t be rude, you better just invite the kids” stuff. Um, no thank you. I’m not paying $200 so your kid can sit and bitch about the food or start talking or throwing a fit during the ceremony. Don’t like the free food? Tough, suck it up, and grab a burger on the way home. YOU think your kids should be at my wedding….tough. I don’t know your kids, nor do I want to. Leave ’em at home.

Sorry…had my own little rant there. Anyway, thanks for putting into (funny) words how so many of us feel!! I’m with ya!!

Post # 66
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

 I’m not sure it’s so much etiquette as all those wedding traditions people expect. And as a past bride, I say bravo to picking and choosing which ones you want to do! We tossed a good few, too, I’m sure my husband and I turned a few heads with letting go of some of the “expected” things (full course evening meal vs. afternoon tea reception, for example). It’s your day. Just make sure that your guests feel comfortable and welcomed (without going to huge extremes).  Their happiness will in turn make your day more happy.

Post # 67
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Belle2Be: Actually now that you mention it, I dont think anyone got her gifts because it was a destination wedding; except for her immediate inlaws and well she gave them gifts in return as a thank you so I guess it works out then? She thanked them for coming (many people couldnt really, and most who couldnt didnt send gifts). I actually remember her saying she didnt expect any either- I mean they did get married around Christmas lol! You cant really expect gifts during that time if theres a wedding really.

Post # 68
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

@cheapchicbride: The problem is that the purpose of a reception has evidently changed.  A reception has historically not been “for the Bride”, and it certainly wasn’t “the Bride’s Day”.  The reception has historically been an event for the guests hosted by the bride and family to thank the guests for attending the wedding.

In the last 10-20 years, thanks to the WIC, receptions have morphed into some form of social expression that’s all about the bride.  The idea is that since the wedding is now “all about the bride”, the bride feels empowered to demand outrageous things and spend more than she otherwise would.  Most people are naturally willing to spend more on themselves than others.


Post # 69
1692 posts
Bumble bee

@lisa105: & @Belle2Be:

You are absolutely right that most of these expensive unnecessary extras have nothing to do with etiquette, but are really just current fashions or even fads, and in some cases are nothing more than personal preference. It would actually be a very BAD idea to throw etiquette out the window, but it would be a very good thing, for etiquette(!) as well as for most brides, if the gaudy extravagances and unreasonable expectations were tossed out the window.

In fact, I think a lot of these current trends hide behind the name of etiquette, and the name of tradition, precisely to avoid being treated in the way they deserve: as something that can be dispensed with without a second thought. I’m putting in a word in defense of good old “tradition”, you see, because I take the position that anything your grandmother never heard of in her girlhood, cannot really be considered a tradition. “Save-the-Dates”, favours, chair covers, “plus-ones”, wedding-photo thank-you cards (as opposed to simple note on white paper) and thank-yous for simply attending, all fall in this category. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to use these things to express your personal taste: hostesses make taste and style decisions all the time: it is *their* decision to make. And any guests who decide to meddle in a hostess’s arrangements, are themselves offending against etiquette, not defending it.

@cheapchicbride: Etiquette is actually on your side in all this, even right down to the “guests should feel honoured to be invited”. I always feel honoured to be invited to an event some hostess has laboured to bring about with all the style and self-expression she can muster. The one thing you might want to watch out for though, is that Etiquette holds shamelessly to a double standard. It insists that when *I* am the hostess, that I feel honoured that my guests chose to attend. It is pretty safe in a vent on an anonymous board to declaim the one-down position of your guests, but it would look terribly ungracious if any of your guests were to actually get wind of that. If you can just feel bolstered and supported in your right to make whatever style choices you wish, will it give you enough confidence to practice the “I am honoured to have them as my guests” attitude that makes a hostess so admirably gracious? Honoured … but not a doormat!

Post # 70
4485 posts
Honey bee

@aspasia, that is absolutely correct that countless people will take something that is extremely new (less than 10 yrs old) or an idea that they invented themselves and insist it is tradition. That is an excellent example that you used re: if Grandma has never heard of it, it’s not really a tradition. On the same token, those same people will insist that if you don’t have the same grand expectations of the couple as to what they are providing that you clearly have never been to a wedding before and don’t know at all how they work, which is not true at all.

Post # 71
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am so glad you wrote this! I’ve been feeling the same way about weddings lately and its nice to see it said – someone somewhere will hate your wedding for reasons beyond your control (food,music,size,children,etc) and thats just how it is : 

Also, very f*cking funny!

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