(Closed) throwing it all away – Need advice

posted 9 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Hi Snowflake,

How long until you get married? It sounds like there are a lot of tensions– a lot of things to work through before then. I know it is difficult to prioritize relationships, especially when it seems like some relationships are dependent on others. Have you talked about getting pre-marital counseling? A third party might be really helpful in putting these issues into perspective and getting emotionally "organized". They might even suggest some sort of family counseling down the road– something to help the children through the difficult process of becoming part of a new family.

Whatever happens, whatever you decide to do, my prayers are with you.

Take care,

Miss Rain

Post # 4
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If I were you, I would insist on couselling to help you guys iron out your relationship and the relationship with your children and his.  As for his reasoning that if you need counselling this early there is no reason to continue….. look at Miss Cheese!  She and her Fiance have been going through counselling for sometime now. It’s important to remember that if you can get to counselling and resolve these issues now, they won’t be issues in the future. 

My fiance and I don’t have children, but regardless of the issue, it’s important to work it out now.  


At any rate, good luck, I hope everything works out!

Post # 5
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hey girl..I understand blending families is HARD WORK.  I find help by reading alot of books.  His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley is great!

I also encourage counseling for you two also with a PRO MARRIAGE counselor.  You two just have organizational issues to work through.  Logical issues. 

This can be worked out.  But it has to be coming from you two as a unified front, a team.  And a team joined in the heart committed to loving ALL CHILDREN and making this family the strongest one ever!


Post # 6
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with the above post.  If you are going to get through this, you need to appear united to the kids.  You need to come up with common expectations for the children and support those with each other.  If you can appear united, and have prductive discussions with each other, you can get through it!  I also agree with the pre-marital counseling.  It helps to have a sounding board.  Good luck!

Post # 7
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

as a daughter’s point of view in this type of situation, i definitely sympathize with you! my mom remarried when i was 8 and it was not easy and we (and i say ‘we’ because when you have kids and you are getting married, its not just about you) had a good relationship with my stepfather prior to the wedding. add a little sister plus other problems that we had never dealt with before and we were in trouble. looking back in retrospect (and this has been agreed on by all of us) we didnt handle the situation the right way and things got worse and worse and im not going to lie, it has seriously affected my sister and me.

the actions you take and the decisions you make now will affect you and your fiance and every single child involved to come in the future, either negatively or positively. im not saying that you need to dump your fiance and be single for the rest of your life but you need to remember that the children are very important in this and you have to take into consideration how this will affect them. can this work? OF COURSE!! you deserve to be happy and if this is the guy that will make you and your children happy then dont give up, like the others said try premarital AND family counseling.

blending/adding family members is very tough but it can be done and i will proudly say that even though we hit a lot of dead ends, we finally got it right. will it take you this long? not if you start now!

i hope youre not offended by what ive said, im not trying to disrespect you or by being younger sound like i know more than you do, im just trying to give you the kids point of view. i believe everyone deserves to be happy and i dont think you should give up without exhausting every option. good luck!

Post # 9
14185 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think a professional can help mediate this conversation

It sounds like he has thrown in the towel and thrown the ball in your court to pick up the pieces. Not helpful and that’s not being a team player

You BOTH have to work from the bottom up to build this family together. Nobody should feel like they are competing and you should both agree on parenting discipline now that you are combining families

Post # 10
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

From the experience of having a been a daughter in this situation, its really difficult. My mom got remarried just before I started high school and I had NO relationship with my stepfather before then. I’d only met him once. There were very different rules for his kids than there were for me….no curfew for them, different standards and expectations in terms of grades, dating etc. I agree with the above posters that you both have to present a united front and have the same expectations of all your children.  Counselling is, imho, a really good idea…not just for the two of you as a couple but also for each of your children because you want them to be happy and comfortable with this as well. I sincerely hope this all works out for you and your family.

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