Post # 1
HI ladies. If you’ve read any of my posts you know that my SO and I have been together almost 4 years (new years eve is our anniversary). SO has assured me he is planning a proposal and is “working towards it”. He hasn’t given me an exact timeline, I have expressed to him that I feel within the next few months seems reasonable to me. He knows that I am really not going to want to wait another year.
He said to my mom that he intends on asking my father for his blessing but that my dad’s a “really hard guy to pin down”. Since he has said this he has had 3-4 opportunities to ask my Dad. He has talked with my Dad about going golfing together or something, but when my dad tried to set something up with him before the rainy season hit, my SO blew him off. Just last weekend we went to my dad’s house to help decorate for christmas and they spent almost an hour together outside putting up lights (perfect opportunity).
My SO told me as we drove home that night that he didn’t ask my dad if thats what I was thinking. He said “its too distracting at the house, we have to arrange a golf day or something”. I mentioned to him that with how busy my Dad is on the weekends and considering were in the beginning of the rainy season, it will most likely not happen for another 4-6 months. My SO replied “so?”
I am confused as to why my SO needs to wait so long to arrange a 4-5 hour day to ask my dad a question that takes 5 seconds to ask. My SO knows that my biological father has not been a huge part of my life for almost 10 years now (he has another family) and that my step-dad is more like a Father to me. My SO is not afraid of my Dad or nervous at all to ask (he is a VERY confident outspoken, extravert), so that cant be it. So what is it? Why is my SO planning this long, drawn out gesture to my Dad when he knows it really doesn’t mean that much to me? Why put off asking for several months?
My Dad already knows thats why my SO asked him to hang out, and my Dad is not going to be happy if he waits that long. My mom has also been asking me if he has asked my dad yet, since my SO told her he would almost 2 months ago and she is beginning to get annoyed. This is all just kind of embarrissing for me. It just makes me feel like he’s still not sure, and not ready. Everyone can see it, and I am starting to feel like a fool.
Post # 3
@kaylaann: I would be upset too. It wouldn’t be so bad if he hadn’t told your mother what he was going to do. Have you mentioned how this is making you feel? Don’t have a big emotional talk just lay it out in a conversation and ask what the hold up is. Maybe he freaked a little? Men don’t always understand us when we get emotional so it’s best to use logic and a calm tone. Keep tears, feelings of fear, and anger out of it so he can feel safe to express what’s going through his head. That’s the best I can offer with limited info. Big hug to you. I can see exactly where you’re coming from. Boys are dumb some times.
Post # 4
@kaylaann: “Why is my SO planning this long, drawn out gesture to my Dad when he knows it really doesn’t mean that much to me?”
It might not mean much to you, but it might be important to him. My SO has insisted on talking with my dad once he gets our ring. I’ve told him repeatedly that it’s not a big deal to me but it’s something that he thinks is important to do.
It also sounds like he doesn’t understand what the rush is. It won’t hurt to ask him the general timeline he’s working with, just to reset your own expectations.
Post # 5
sounds like he isnt ready, if hes not scared to talk to him, and has had plenty of chances to ask. theres no reason why it shouldntve happened. sorry to hear hes not following through. he shouldntve told your mother that.
Post # 6
It sounds like he is nervous! I would be really honest with him and tell him that your mom and dad both know he has been planning on talking to your dad for awhile, and that it’s starting to get awkward for you to explain why it hasn’t happened… He needs to get this over with, or at least give you a good explanation for why he hasn’t yet. And there’s no rule that after he asks he has to propose right away; this is just laying the groundwork. Good luck! Hopefully if he understands that by putting it off he is putting you in an awkward position, he’ll rethink waiting months more.
Post # 7
@ScenicRoute: Thanks for the advice, I just wish he didn’t make a big point to say he was going to ask my dad in front of my mom, my step dad and my sisters. He has made it very public that he has been “trying” to set up a meeting with my dad. I’m confused as to why this is so difficult. My dad even has tried to take the first step and contact him, to no avail.
Honestly ladies, in my gut I just feel that he is using this to buy himself time. Which is very sad. It has been almost a year now since he told me he would propose, I’ve been extremely patient with him, and understanding about his commitment issues. I am starting to get to the point that if he is not serious about making this commitment to me now, I am not going to keep being 100% committed to him. This doesn’t mean I would ever do anything to betray his trust, but I am not going to make him my #1 priority if I continue to be last on his list. And I am not going to continue to count on having a future with him if he cant commit to a future with me.
I am curious to see what happens for Christmas, and our anniversary is right after that. Depending on what happens I may or may not be with him anymore. If you have read my other posts, you would know that this man has put me through the hell over the idea of getting married and having kids. Those days are over now, and I would like to start seeing some proof.
Post # 8
@kaylaann: Did he voluntarily mention to your family that he was going to ask your dad or was he being a bit pressured to ask by them? Were they teasing you guys about getting engaged or anything? If he voluntarily said that, then yeah I would probably be a little upset. . . although, he could have meant that he eventually wants to ask your dad for his blessing. Did he say anything specific about the actual time frame?
You should probably just sit down and have a calm and rational conversation about it. Like another poster said, keep emotion out of it. Let him know you’d just like to get some clarification about what’s going on and then let him talk. If it seems like he has a good explanation (ie. he wants to get it right, he’s nervous, he’ll have enough saved up in a few months to feel more secure with proposing, he doesn’t want a long engagement), then back off for a bit and revisit the topic in a few months.
If he doesn’t have a good explanation or he doesn’t want to talk about it, then it might indicate that you have some issues to work on. . . or it just might mean that he doesn’t want to talk. You won’t know until you give it a shot though. Try talking to him and then go from there.
Post # 9
so after reading your previous posts im baffled as to why you stay. youve broken up over his commitment phobic tendencies, gone to therapy over it, hes flat out told you he didnt want marriage/kids only to take it back once you left. his last ex left for the SAME reason. did you think he would change with you?
i think he told you what he had to in order to keep you, his ex probably went through the same song and dance with him. to me it seems like he gets into relationships but doesnt make his feelings about marriage/kids clear in the beginning which only leads to heart ache for the women involved.
i really hope for your sake, he asks, but based on his history chances are slim. i hope you have a walk date in mind. it shouldnt be this difficult to get engaged, he has u on an emotional rollercoaster for something that should be simple after 4 yrs.