(Closed) Time goes on, but we don't get any closer

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

@kaylaann:  I would be upset too. It wouldn’t be so bad if he hadn’t told your mother what he was going to do. Have you mentioned how this is making you feel? Don’t have a big emotional talk just lay it out in a conversation and ask what the hold up is. Maybe he freaked a little? Men don’t always understand us when we get emotional so it’s best to use logic and a calm tone. Keep tears, feelings of fear, and anger out of it so he can feel safe to express what’s going through his head. That’s the best I can offer with limited info. Big hug to you. I can see exactly where you’re coming from. Boys are dumb some times. 

Post # 4
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@kaylaann:  “Why is my SO planning this long, drawn out gesture to my Dad when he knows it really doesn’t mean that much to me?”

It might not mean much to you, but it might be important to him.  My SO has insisted on talking with my dad once he gets our ring.  I’ve told him repeatedly that it’s not a big deal to me but it’s something that he thinks is important to do.

It also sounds like he doesn’t understand what the rush is.  It won’t hurt to ask him the general timeline he’s working with, just to reset your own expectations.

Post # 5
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

sounds like he isnt ready, if hes not scared to talk to him, and has had plenty of chances to ask. theres no reason why it shouldntve happened. sorry to hear hes not following through. he shouldntve told your mother that.

Post # 6
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It sounds like he is nervous! I would be really honest with him and tell him that your mom and dad both know he has been planning on talking to your dad for awhile, and that it’s starting to get awkward for you to explain why it hasn’t happened… He needs to get this over with, or at least give you a good explanation for why he hasn’t yet. And there’s no rule that after he asks he has to propose right away; this is just laying the groundwork. Good luck! Hopefully if he understands that by putting it off he is putting you in an awkward position, he’ll rethink waiting months more. 

Post # 8
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@kaylaann:  Did he voluntarily mention to your family that he was going to ask your dad or was he being a bit pressured to ask by them? Were they teasing you guys about getting engaged or anything? If he voluntarily said that, then yeah I would probably be a little upset. . . although, he could have meant that he eventually wants to ask your dad for his blessing. Did he say anything specific about the actual time frame?

You should probably just sit down and have a calm and rational conversation about it. Like another poster said, keep emotion out of it. Let him know you’d just like to get some clarification about what’s going on and then let him talk. If it seems like he has a good explanation (ie. he wants to get it right, he’s nervous, he’ll have enough saved up in a few months to feel more secure with proposing, he doesn’t want a long engagement), then back off for a bit and revisit the topic in a few months.

If he doesn’t have a good explanation or he doesn’t want to talk about it, then it might indicate that you have some issues to work on. . . or it just might mean that he doesn’t want to talk. You won’t know until you give it a shot though. Try talking to him and then go from there.

Post # 9
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

so after reading your previous posts im baffled as to why you stay. youve broken up over his commitment phobic tendencies, gone to therapy over it, hes flat out told you he didnt want marriage/kids only to take it back once you left. his last ex left for the SAME reason. did you think he would change with you? 

i think he told you what he had to in order to keep you, his ex probably went through the same song and dance with him. to me it seems like he gets into relationships but doesnt make his feelings about marriage/kids clear in the beginning which only leads to heart ache for the women involved.

i really hope for your sake, he asks, but based on his history chances are slim. i hope you have a walk date in mind. it shouldnt be this difficult to get engaged, he has u on an emotional rollercoaster for something that should be simple after 4 yrs.

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