Post # 1
My boyfriend and I are separated by an ocean and 6 hours of time difference. He moved almost 3 months ago but we’ve been together for almost a year and a half.
In the beginning of our long distance relationship, he would always make time to call me at least twice a week. Now, I’ve begun to feel like a burden to him and less of a priority. I’m sometimes scared to ask if we can Skype that day because I know the answer will be “no.” I have plenty of understanding for this because, due to the time difference, it is usually the middle of the day for him when I’m going to bed. However, even on his days off, he somehow cannot find time for me but then play hours of video games once I’ve gone to bed. I know that the root of my frustration at this is just that I miss him and want to talk to him the way we did before he moved. But I can’t help but feel sad about this. But when he wants to/has time, I am required to drop everything I’m doing/stay up really late or else we won’t Skype that day.
When I talk to him about this, he does feel sorry and moves to make drastic, dramatic changes in his routine that wouldn’t benefit either of us. He once said that he’d quit his extracurricular activities and hanging out with friends to come home right after school and talk to me. Of course I don’t want him to do that.
Also, before he moved, I bought us these touch bracelets that you can touch and the other person will feel a vibration. They work really well and I love them! However, recently, he’s been using them less and less, sometimes only once a day. They’re really comforting to me because it shows that he’s thinking about me when he uses his bracelet, but it makes me sad when he doesn’t. He says he doesn’t have the time but they only take one second and you can use them while doing something else.
I’ve talked to him about both of these issues but I don’t feel that we’re reaching a conclusion on either. I know they don’t seem like a big deal, but right now, calling and the bracelets is all I have from him because I can’t visit for another 3 months.
Am I asking for too much or overreacting? I really want to fix this.
I love him so much and I’d do anything for him. I want to marry him one day and I’d never jeopardize that so please don’t suggest anything like that.
Post # 2
That’s pretty concerning, bee. It sounds like he’s not invested in the relationship.
We are 9 hours apart, but we making talking a priority. We still talk almost every day. Sometimes that means I have to get up earlier or he goes to bed later, but we just make it work.
Have you tried WhatsApp so you can text?
Post # 3
You have my sympathy! I’ve been in your situation so I do know what this feels like. It was years before we lived in the same country together. The bracelets sound like a cute idea but I think it can also be unhealthy because thinking about him constantly is not good. You have to live your life and learn to be happy without him too. I know this is hard but I think you should take the bracelets off for a while and focus on living your life fully during the day. Then, Skype him at a specific time and talk about all the things you did that day. I think it might just be too much to be connected all day like that with the bracelets.
Post # 4
I don’t think that you are someone for whom a long distance relationship will work long-term. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just the way you’re built.
Post # 5
youremyhoneybee : I’m sorry, Bee. I know the feeling! Long distance relationships suck. I’ve been in two. The first one ended because the guy I was dating became distant, and the long periods of not communicating set in. It went on for a few weeks, and he finally confessed to me he didn’t believe it was going to work. We broke up. The second was me not communicating as much because I was no longer interested in trying to sustain the relationship; I lost Interest. I broke up with him.
I think you can see where I’m going with this…
Post # 6
Well I did just that when I was in a LDR with my now-husband: I went directly home after university/work to be able to talk to him and we talked EVERY day. (we were 7 hours apart)
While this is not possible/wanted for/by everyone, I think that he should be able to do just that min. once a week. If you weren’t long distance, one way or the other he would have to make space/time to see you too. And nowadays you can only pick up your phone and have a whatsapp call for some 5 mnutes for free. You don’t always need to be at home, sit down and take a lot of time. But I think that while you can’t have physical contact, you have to compensate it by talking or some other non-physical communication.
Post # 7
I agree with bee2020 : that the bracelets might be a bit too much, and might be doing more harm than good. They sound like a good idea in principle, but I think in reality they exacerbate your feelings because you’re telling yourself “Well, it only takes a second, why isn’t he doing it?? He must not care.” So you see how that can make your anxiety worse.
Did he agree/buy into the idea of the bracelets? If he doesn’t really like them or feel like they are a good idea, that might also be why he is not using them.
As far as him not calling or Skyping as often, that is concerning, and it could be that he has other things on his mind. Is he very stressed out with work or school? Have you been complaining a lot about the lack of communication so that he feels that it is ultimately more relaxing for him to play video games than talk to you on the phone?
How often do you communicate (by text/phone/Skype)? If he is making an effort to communicate with you daily, then I would say try showing appreciation for when you do get to talk, and plan a visit as soon as you can. The distance might be getting him down, and perhaps having a visit to look forward to can help you feel more connected again.
Also, as a PP suggested, you might want to think about whether you are cut out for a long distance relationship. It involves a lot of patience, stamina and independence on your part, and you need to be very realistic about whether that is something you are willing/able to do.