Post # 1
I’m in a dilemma and I’m not sure if im being overly dramatic about this or if my feelings are justified. My fiance and I have been engaged for about 6 months, dated for a year before that and our wedding is less than 4 months away. Recently, I got an internship offer that would require me to move away for 4 years. My fiance has always been supportive, but recently he’s thinking otherwise. He says we wont be able to have kids anytime soon (I’ve always told him I want to wait a few years) and because of the direction my career is headed, I won’t make any real money for 6-8 years. He’s rethinking if we’re right for each other because he thinks our compatibility might be “off.” He’s a very smart guy, and usually kind, but he can be VERY judgemental (even with me). He doesn’t think we could have intellectual conversation (he’s vocalized this, and while he doesn’t think I’m stupid, he doesn’t think we can discuss things that he finds intellectually challenging), he criticizes my wardrobe and how I live (even though I make more money than him), he will respect my family to their face but behind closed doors, he tells me he doesn’t think they’re intelligent enough (yes, in a condescending way), he doesn’t take that much initiative to organize date nights, he’s cheap and doesn’t really buy me anything (although the ring he bought me is quite beautiful) and he has confidence issues. On the flip side, he tells me that even though he goes back and forth about marrying me, he loves me, he’s compassionate, for the most part kind, very smart, I cant oftentimes rely on him, he’ll tell me he’ll support me with my career ambitions (even tho he contradicts himself by saying that this fellowship is making him nervous and causing him to rethink our compatibility). Sometimes I just want to give him the ring back and tell him that I need someone who will be as supportive and loving as I am (unconditionally) and not someone who’s trying to find this perfect mold of what he wants. He makes me feel like I’m not special enough because of how he behaves sometimes and I don’t think that’s acceptable, especially 4 months before marriage. Should I call this off? Should I ask for time? I just want him to empathize with me and think of us as a unit rather than two seperate individuals. I’m not sure if this is just cold feet or something more serious. Please help!
Post # 2
I’m sorry your going through this. He seems like an ass, sorry but the fact that he talks down to you the way he does is a problem. He may not tell you that he thinks your stupid, but he sure acts like it. And he goes back and forth about marrying you?! I’m sorry hun but it doesn’t sound like he’s good enough for you. You need someone that will push you to be better not hold you back. He seems like he thinks he’s better than everyone, you included. It doesn’t seem like just cold feet. He should be supportive and he’s no where near supportive. Just based on the information given I’d say it doesn’t seem like this would be a healthy marriage.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
I’d call it off. Sounds like you are both having doubts and that’s not good. You don’t have to break up…. but maybe ‘postpone’. Blame your internship, or something if you need to.
Post # 4
This is a really terrible predicament u have going on, I’m so sorry… Honestly in ur post u barely say anything that’s positive about him, and if u do, it is then followed up with another negative aspect relating to him. He really does not sound supportive of your goals, and quite frankly, he seems insecure.. If someone is constantly putting others down its because they themselves do not feel adequate.. Maybe that’s the real issue here… Either way, you’re going to have to decide whether u could put up with his negativity and anger (sounds like he’s angry for whatever reason) or if you’re going to move on… I think the fact that ur questioning ur decision to marry him speaks volumes.. However, there’s obviously a reason why u love him and said yes to his proposal.. It might be benefical to talk to someone, a therapist possibly? To see if this could be salvageable.. The last thing u want to do is make a decision u regret moving forward. try to weigh all ur options… Confide in a close friend who u feel the most comfortable with.. Good luck to u, I hope it all works out for u either way.. 😊
Post # 5
I’d call it off entirely. You deserve a fully supportive partner. Contradicting himself is just another way of being unreliable, and I’d find that intolerable simply because you never know who the real guy is – emotionally that is like standing on a teeter totter.
His remark about not having an intellectual conversation would have me walking straight out the door. That is deeply insulting to you. And it’s unreasonable, too. My DH and I both have graduate degrees and most of our conversations are about daily life.
Post # 6
I’m sorry, but he doesn’t sound like a great guy. And it sounds like both of you are having second thoughts. Better to postpone or cancel the wedding than to end up in an unhappy marriage.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2015 - Haddonfield, NJ
If a guy says that you aren’t “intellectually stimulating”, he’s a pretentious flaming turd. For someone who thinks he is so smart, he sounds like he’s overcompensating and well, not so smart.
You can do better and you sure as hell deserve better.
Post # 8
Cut it off! If he doesn’t support your dreams and goals he is NOT the one. I had a dream of moving to over 800 miles away to Nashville when I graduated college and my boyfriend at the time did not support that (we had been together for almost 5 years!) so I broke it off. Thank goodness I did because I found my Fiance who is more supporting and loving than I ever thought someone could be. It may be tough now but your future self with be thankful!
Post # 9
” he’s a pretentious flaming turd” Literally the best thing I have read today.
Post # 11
He sounds very arrogant. You can do better!
Post # 12
Marriage is such a long term commitment and this is no way to live it. Sorry, I hate to tell people -especially ones I do not know- to call it off. You deserve better
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2015 - The Victorian
He talks down to you to your face, talks about your family behind their backs and says he isn’t sure he wants to marry you. Please do yourself a favor and leave this “man.” He thinks he’s God’s gift to the earth and everyone else is dumb. Ugh. I ‘m sorry bee, but there doesn’t seem to be much to hold on to at this point.
Post # 14
I’m sorry, I’m not one to normally say “run away” right off the bat, but there are certain deal breakers for me:
-Cheating if any kind
-Abuse of any kind
I’m sorry bee, but he sounds emotionally abusive to me. You said it yourself: he is insecure. You clearly have a future ahead of you, and due to his insecurities, he feel the need to make you feel like you’re less than him. THAT is textbook emotional abuse. Run. RUN FAR. It won’t change, sorry. You haven’t wasted a terribly long amount of time on him, which is the bright side. Take this time away for 4 years to learn about yourself. The right man will come at the right time. This guy isn’t it. Sorry *hugs*
Post # 15
If you are having second thoughts of any kind postpone the wedding. If you feel llike a weight has been lifted from you then you should take the next step and cancel the wedding. Your fiance sounds very insecure and analytical. Insecure people tend to be wrapped up in their own inner torment. I don’t believe that he is capable of emotionally supporting you in your career path. In fact he may even be jealous that society rewards you with better pay than his more intellectually demanding pursuit. It also bothers me that judges everyone by an intellectual yardstick. We are all gifted in different areas and unique(obviously writing isn’t my strength).
It really bothers me that you say he makes you feel like you are not special enough. You should feel the exact opposite. He should make you feel special and the best thing that has happened to him. Why do you two want to commit to each other if he is going to be comparing you to every woman and you are going to be judged and emotionally unsupported?