Time to give up?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

This isn’t fair to you. He doesn’t care about your feelings and that is sad. The resentment will continue to build on your part, and as another pp said you WILL have to leave because you’ll just become more and more miserable. If you do it now, you can have a clear head. He might come running after you, and you really need to think about if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who can so easily disregard your needs and wants, watch you suffer, just because he doesn’t ‘feel ready’. I know it will probably be a huge pain to divide the house/assets now but the sooner you do it the sooner you can go on with your life. Focus on yourself and there is a man out there who will be excited AF as another PP put it to spend the rest of his life with you. Good luck bee…

Post # 32
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

charlottejx1 :  Sorry, but this doesn’t sound good at all. I would recommend seeing a lawyer and sorting out your finances. He should not have this much say over your life, and it’s obvious you won’t be happy without the committment of marriage. He won’t fulfill that need, so it’s time to start preparing to leave.

Truly ask yourself: even if he does propose when you show him you’re ready to leave, will it be enough? Or will the damage already be done? Do you think you could find happiness with him again if he proposed? Do you think if he does propose that he’ll follow through with a wedding or just make excuses to push it off and never have one?

Those answers will help fform a concrete decision. Good luck!

Post # 34
Member
2634 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You seem set on staying with him…..so I say stop doing the wifey stuff for a bit, and start quoteing the last part of this meme

Post # 35
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He doesn’t want to marry you.

And why would he? He wouldn’t benefit in any way from marrying you. You already live together and own a home and eventually after a few more years pass you’ll start to worry about infertility and give in and have children. He’ll have all the benefits of a wife with none of the commitment! It’s a great deal for him. You won’t leave him because you’re too scared and he’s all you’ve ever known.

 

Now, i’m just going to copy and paste the advice I gave you 3 months ago because it hasn’t changed.

He doesn’t want to get married and he doesn’t want to marry you, he’s told you this flat out.

If he hasn’t changed his mind in 8 years he won’t ever change it, that doesn’t make either of you wrong for wanting what you each want. Its okay he doesn’t want to get married and its okay you do, but if you want to be married then you need to move on and find someone on the same page. People don’t always break up because the relationship is awful, sometimes they just break up because the don’t want the same things. This is where you would fall.

Please don’t have a child with him unless you are 167% ready to be a baby mama for the next twenty years and nothing more than that. Actually, just don’t have a baby with someone who won’t commit to you. If you need a reason then spend some time reading the COUNTLESS threads of women who own homes and have children with men who they realize will never marry them.

Post # 36
Member
459 posts
Helper bee

I agree with Slomotion. You don’t always break up because a relationship is awful. Look, I was with a guy for 5 years and he gave me the same BS answers. We didn’t own a home together, but we did live together for four years. He had some untreated depression and I think he probably resents me for basically making him deal with his shit, but one day I just told him I couldn’t do this any more with him, the waiting, him using me as a scapegoat, etc, and I left him. I moved back home with my parents so that I could save up money to purchase my own condo. I know it’s hard, you’re used to having this guy around for the past 9 years. You will miss him, you might try to bounce back to him because he’s comfortable, you’ll scream, cry, etc, but let me tell you something. Once you get over the initial shock and into a new routine, you can go back to focusing on yourself. Get your own place. Do things you wanna do, and when you are ready again to open your heart to someone else, you’ll know WHAT you want and what you WILL and WILL NOT put up with. Don’t settle for anything less sweetie. This guy doesn’t wanna marry you and to be honest, he doesn’t even deserve you!

Post # 37
Member
1328 posts
Bumble bee

you can’t fault someone for not wanting the same thing you want. you can and should fault them if they are unclear for the sake of maintaining control. if he said “I DONT WANT TO MARRY YOU” you’d leave, yea? so of course he doesn’t say that. of course he doesn’t give you any specifics you could hold him to. of course he redirects the conversation to your ‘shortcomings’ whenever the topic comes up. 

someone who wants to marry you, will. you can leave the relationship while you still have good feelings about him as a person or you can stick around until your resentment has built to the point that you purely loathe him. 🙁

Post # 38
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Time to pack up your things and move out.

When a man wants a woman he will do whatever is necessary. I don’t shack. Im to grown for BS.  If you want me you will date me, propose to me and then marry me. Then we will live together. Im to grown to play house.

My Fiance always lived with the women he dated. It threw him for a loop when I didn’t want to live together last year. But my daddy always said why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. My Fiance got a part time job, saved money for my ring and proposed. We’re eloping next month. 

Men will live up to the standards you place before them. You lowered your standards. Now  its time to move on and learn from your mistake. 

It’s going to hurt like hell but YOU CAN DO IT! Bee POWER! We have your back.

Post # 39
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Are you both on the mortgage? I’d start looking into how you can force a sale, split the proceeds , and move on. Don’t waste any more of your time with this man. He doesn’t want to marry you. I know it hurts, and it is complicated, but get it over with now. 

Post # 40
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think the problem is you’re more afraid of losing him than you are of losing what matters to you in life (= marriage). That’s not attractive to him, because if someone doesn’t respect themselves enough to hold other people to their standards, then other people don’t respect them enough either. He doesn’t respect you enough to want to marry you. Start putting yourself first and making it clear to him that if you’re not getting married you’re getting out.

Post # 41
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

He wants to be able to still be “free”! A baby will forever tie you &  him  together but without the pressure and commitment of marriage. 

He doesn’t want to get married. When men want something they will make it happen. He’s saying one thing but showing another and what you see is what you get. 

Post # 42
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

charlottejx1 :  Normally I would say you should have a serious talk where you tell him that you want to be engaged and moving on to the next level of committment by (insert time frame you are comfortable with) Or you both need to start discussing selling your house and moving on. I say selling because you both put equal effort and money into it and so he either needs to buy you out or you sell so you can get your money back. In this case I think you should tell him that you want to go talk to a therapist together to figure out what is really at the bottom of his resistance. I think you should tell him openly and honestly that he is hurting you deeply and that you really need him to be open and honest about why he isn’t wanting to take that next step. Don’t get angry just try to have a discussion. If a therapist would better help you out I think that is a good option if you don’t feel you could pick the first option I wrote above. Good luck!! 

Post # 43
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

charlottejx1 :  

I read your previous post too. How are you doing anyway? Any update?

Marriage is important to you. It is not important to him. You live together. You both want kids. You own a home together.

He loves you.  He trusts you because he owns a home with you. He is committed to you because he owns a home with you and wants to start a family with you.

He sounds like Mr. Big from Sex in the City and he is gonna mess it all up. Isn’t it weird he views marriage as more commitment than buying a house with you or having a baby with you? That’s just weird. Like here, have my DNA to create a human, but we can’t share the same last name in a piece of paper. 

If I may suggest something, write a very detailed letter, that is not combatative, to him about why marriage is important to you. There’s deeper feelings here and it probably has to do with his childhood or his own parents modeling marriage.

Ask him why he feels this way about marriage. Tell him that having a child and owning a house together is a bigger legal commitment so ask for the real reasons. 

Unlike everyone else, I don’t think you should leave him. A wedding and a ring have nothing to do with marriage. We got married in a court house 10 years ago. Nothing changed except titles. His ability to love you, his ability to be a good partner or father, has nothing to do with marriage. 

The reason he is afraid of marriage is because he is projecting his own fears and insecurities about himself on to you. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. It is not your ability to be a good partner that is in question.

He is scared of you leaving him. I guarantee it.

Post # 44
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

I read most of the replies so I wont say what everyone else did but I do have something to add.

stay off weddingbee and all wedding message boards in the meantime. Its only going to bring you more pain and anger to see others getting engaged and married and resent him more. Im waiting too so i really do understand the appeal and it is fun and ladies here are so helpful. But for your sanity, its not a bad idea to stay away for a bit.

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