Time to make a decision (my long and long-time-coming post)

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
  • poll: What would you do in my place?
    Sign new lease together and move together in May/June; wait for engagement in summer (after June 19) : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Sign lease myself and move into new place in May; offer to have boyfriend move in if/when engaged : (69 votes)
    28 %
    End relationship and move into new apartment in May : (172 votes)
    71 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    1391 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2020

    11 years is more than enough time. He had his chance.

    Also echo the thoughts of previous bees with how conviently his depression lined up with a certain woman leaving. Why would you want to stay with a man who emotionally cheated on you and lied about it the whole time?

    Post # 32
    Member
    2455 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m so glad to see that you’ve decided to move on. I’ve read a number of your posts here and always thought to myself, “she seems so grounded and smart and reasonable! why is she still with this guy?” I don’t know you but I know you deserve so much more than this. Go own your new awesome life with the great new job, gorgeous new apartment, and everything the new city has to offer! 

    Post # 33
    Member
    11 posts
    Newbee

    avprobeauty :  I read until that point as well. It’s easier said than done but I think you know it’s time to move on. I believe you’re beating a dead horse. It seems like the end of the world now but it’ll pay off in the end. Unless he has a co plate change of heart, I feel like you’ll never truly be happy with him. I’m sorry. Stay positive and keep your head up, girl. You can do this. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    1164 posts
    Bumble bee

    Run! This sounds like the perfect opportunity for a fresh start for you. Leave the cry baby/man child at home. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    712 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    You deserve someone who cannot wait to get married to you.  Move on.

    Post # 36
    Member
    635 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    He had “depression” when the coworker left town. Riiight. 11 years and nothing but heartache and endless waiting.

    Bee, you have a bright future ahead of you. This is a great time to start anew. Best of luck to you! The right person is waiting for you out there. <3

    Post # 37
    Member
    1639 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    Tinydancer330 :  you’re right.. Everyone goes through break ups. Everyone has pain and misery and everyone has problems. We all poop! But that doesn’t mean you have to watch other peoples problems or make them your own. If he’s not bringing you up and adding meaningful value to your life, then he needs to go!

    Post # 38
    Member
    2019 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Bee,

     

    This sounds exactly like the quote, “ don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”. He repeatedly has told you through words, actions, seasons and huge swaths of life that he is just not that into you. He’s into the convenience of you, the fallback plan of you, the work you put in to keep the wheels on this thing—but not you. He’s more than happy letting you do the emotional heavy lifting, has no problem stringing you along – you’ll earn the engagement when you live closer, then you’ll earn the engagement when you have a more stable career, then you’ll earn the engagement when he feels like you’ve helped him reach his financial goals since your presence put him in a bind. It’s a shitty reward system he’s created in the relationship where he’s always the winner and you’re having the carrots dangled in front of your face.

     

    He’s more than happy to have you around until someone or something better comes along. Treats you just right enough to not be an overt asshole, but also makes special effort to put you in your place and give himself an exit plan when the timing is right for him. He lies, he manipulates situations and he went into a depression when an emotional (physical?) fling ended things with his “friend”.

     

     This is not the guy for you, I would not waste one more iota with him. You’re accomplished, you’re smart and driven—don’t let this dead weight tie you down for another decade, a crap marriage and a couple kids he doesn’t want only to find yourself a single, divorced mom starting over at 43 while he scours Craigslist for hookups (I’m obviously going overboard here but you see what I mean).

    Post # 39
    Member
    110 posts
    Blushing bee

    The 11 years thing doesn’t really bother me, because for a vast majority of that time you were pursuing your education. It’s only been a year or two (I think) that engagement would make sense for the both of you. 

    I also don’t know if the “fantasizing” part is something he admitted to or if you assumed it was happening becuase he was still communicating with her. I do not like that he suggested he “wouldn’t be rude” to her in the future if she contacted him, because continuing to communicate with her is rude to you and I think you should come first (obviously). 

    I don’t think I would be concerned if he was unsure about being ready for marriage, some people do take their time and need to wait it out. But I am concerned that he is unsure about you guys as a couple… If he was 100% sure he wanted to marry you but wanted time to feel secure in his life I would be understanding (given that there is a very specific timeline or goals established). 

     

    Overall, I think you know your relationship best and we are seeing a very small piece of it. I think 11 years means you are very close to each other and you would be ending a lot by ending it, which is why I think moving out on your own and giving it the summer is a good idea. I would want to be really sure before I walked away, assuming you are still in love with him and overall think he is the one you want. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    928 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    When you look at it on a very basic level, you’re jumping through hoops to be together (checking your emotions, moving, job hunting, etc), while he’s out talking to another woman and stalling any progress with you. A guy who truly wants to be with you makes it easier for you to be together, not more difficult.

    Good for you with leaving. It’s absolutely the right choice. 

    Post # 42
    Hostess
    3807 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    It shouldn’t be this hard bee.  D.H. and I have been together for 11 years as well, so I do understand how hard it would be to leave a relationship where you know each other so incredibly well.  We got married around our 9 year anniversary, but the communication was always there and we both were on the same page.  I think that your S.O.’s non answers are all you need to know.  The emotional affair just confirms that this isn’t a good relationship for you.  If it was me, I think I would end the relationship and move into my own place once our lease was up, early if possible.  One of my friends lived with her S.O. after they broke up while they were waiting to finish out the lease and it was very confusing and painful for her.  Wouldn’t recommend it if there’s any way you can move early.  

    Post # 44
    Member
    853 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    girlfriendphd :  hi bee, i’m so glad you’re moving on.  the only suggestion i have is that you move ALL of your belongings when your new place becomes available.  this guy strung you along, had an affair, wasted your time… you don’t need to give him MORE time to use your stuff until he gets his act together.  furniture stores are open all week.  let him worry about himself. 

    he certainly didn’t extend you all of this courtesy when he was courting other people.

    Post # 45
    Member
    130 posts
    Blushing bee

    If you truely wanted to, you can learn to forgive the indiscretion of his mishandling of the prior situation with the other woman. It takes a lot and for most people it simply isn’t worth the turmoil of attempting since the relationship will never ever be the same again and you’ll always feel as if you are in her shadow. However the sheer fact that he said if she reaches out again at some point he “isn’t going to be rude” says that he will still jump if she says jump. Which means he is holding out for her. If you were being put first, he would cut off all contact and all social media with her and promise you he will never respond to her or initiate conversation ever again. But he isn’t putting you first, he is putting you second which is grounds for you standing up for yourself and ending this, not an engagement. You have your answer. Take care of yourself, you deserve a real love and a real commitment from a real man that would not treat you this way.

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