Post # 31
11 years is more than enough time. He had his chance.
Also echo the thoughts of previous bees with how conviently his depression lined up with a certain woman leaving. Why would you want to stay with a man who emotionally cheated on you and lied about it the whole time?
Post # 32
I’m so glad to see that you’ve decided to move on. I’ve read a number of your posts here and always thought to myself, “she seems so grounded and smart and reasonable! why is she still with this guy?” I don’t know you but I know you deserve so much more than this. Go own your new awesome life with the great new job, gorgeous new apartment, and everything the new city has to offer!
Post # 33
avprobeauty : I read until that point as well. It’s easier said than done but I think you know it’s time to move on. I believe you’re beating a dead horse. It seems like the end of the world now but it’ll pay off in the end. Unless he has a co plate change of heart, I feel like you’ll never truly be happy with him. I’m sorry. Stay positive and keep your head up, girl. You can do this.
Post # 34
Run! This sounds like the perfect opportunity for a fresh start for you. Leave the cry baby/man child at home.
Post # 35
You deserve someone who cannot wait to get married to you. Move on.
Post # 36
He had “depression” when the coworker left town. Riiight. 11 years and nothing but heartache and endless waiting.
Bee, you have a bright future ahead of you. This is a great time to start anew. Best of luck to you! The right person is waiting for you out there. <3
Post # 37
Tinydancer330 : you’re right.. Everyone goes through break ups. Everyone has pain and misery and everyone has problems. We all poop! But that doesn’t mean you have to watch other peoples problems or make them your own. If he’s not bringing you up and adding meaningful value to your life, then he needs to go!
Post # 38
This sounds exactly like the quote, “ don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”. He repeatedly has told you through words, actions, seasons and huge swaths of life that he is just not that into you. He’s into the convenience of you, the fallback plan of you, the work you put in to keep the wheels on this thing—but not you. He’s more than happy letting you do the emotional heavy lifting, has no problem stringing you along – you’ll earn the engagement when you live closer, then you’ll earn the engagement when you have a more stable career, then you’ll earn the engagement when he feels like you’ve helped him reach his financial goals since your presence put him in a bind. It’s a shitty reward system he’s created in the relationship where he’s always the winner and you’re having the carrots dangled in front of your face.
He’s more than happy to have you around until someone or something better comes along. Treats you just right enough to not be an overt asshole, but also makes special effort to put you in your place and give himself an exit plan when the timing is right for him. He lies, he manipulates situations and he went into a depression when an emotional (physical?) fling ended things with his “friend”.
This is not the guy for you, I would not waste one more iota with him. You’re accomplished, you’re smart and driven—don’t let this dead weight tie you down for another decade, a crap marriage and a couple kids he doesn’t want only to find yourself a single, divorced mom starting over at 43 while he scours Craigslist for hookups (I’m obviously going overboard here but you see what I mean).
Post # 39
The 11 years thing doesn’t really bother me, because for a vast majority of that time you were pursuing your education. It’s only been a year or two (I think) that engagement would make sense for the both of you.
I also don’t know if the “fantasizing” part is something he admitted to or if you assumed it was happening becuase he was still communicating with her. I do not like that he suggested he “wouldn’t be rude” to her in the future if she contacted him, because continuing to communicate with her is rude to you and I think you should come first (obviously).
I don’t think I would be concerned if he was unsure about being ready for marriage, some people do take their time and need to wait it out. But I am concerned that he is unsure about you guys as a couple… If he was 100% sure he wanted to marry you but wanted time to feel secure in his life I would be understanding (given that there is a very specific timeline or goals established).
Overall, I think you know your relationship best and we are seeing a very small piece of it. I think 11 years means you are very close to each other and you would be ending a lot by ending it, which is why I think moving out on your own and giving it the summer is a good idea. I would want to be really sure before I walked away, assuming you are still in love with him and overall think he is the one you want.
Post # 40
taylor523 : Thank you for your alternative perspective.
He has not admitted to fantasizing about her; I found out about it inadvertently one day from the recently visited Chrome tabs on his laptop (I had been using his laptop for the past week, with his permission, because my laptop needed a replacement battery). I’m surprised he didn’t just delete his browser history, knowing I was using his laptop. Maybe it just slipped his mind that the recent activity pops up when you click on the taskbar, and what I saw there was enough for me to check the browser history. And then from that the pieces started falling into place for me.
Post # 41
When you look at it on a very basic level, you’re jumping through hoops to be together (checking your emotions, moving, job hunting, etc), while he’s out talking to another woman and stalling any progress with you. A guy who truly wants to be with you makes it easier for you to be together, not more difficult.
Good for you with leaving. It’s absolutely the right choice.
Post # 42
It shouldn’t be this hard bee. D.H. and I have been together for 11 years as well, so I do understand how hard it would be to leave a relationship where you know each other so incredibly well. We got married around our 9 year anniversary, but the communication was always there and we both were on the same page. I think that your S.O.’s non answers are all you need to know. The emotional affair just confirms that this isn’t a good relationship for you. If it was me, I think I would end the relationship and move into my own place once our lease was up, early if possible. One of my friends lived with her S.O. after they broke up while they were waiting to finish out the lease and it was very confusing and painful for her. Wouldn’t recommend it if there’s any way you can move early.
Post # 43
missinthecity : Our current lease doesn’t end until June 30th, but the new apartment will be available May 1, so I will be able to start moving my things into the new place soon. I am planning to get a new couch and some other pieces for the new place, so I will get those soon as well. The rest of the furniture/appliances in the current apartment, except for the TV, are all mine from my last apartment, so I will arrange to move all of that in late May/early June, to give my boyfriend some time to decide what he is going to do (I assume he will go back to his parents’ house for now, which is where he was before we moved in together). He already paid June’s rent (as last month’s rent) during the lease signing; I will pay for May’s rent to hold up my end of the deal to pay for half of the rent cost (we’ve done this by alternating who pays each month).
If things become unbearable before May 1, I can always stay at my parents’ house.
Post # 44
girlfriendphd : hi bee, i’m so glad you’re moving on. the only suggestion i have is that you move ALL of your belongings when your new place becomes available. this guy strung you along, had an affair, wasted your time… you don’t need to give him MORE time to use your stuff until he gets his act together. furniture stores are open all week. let him worry about himself.
he certainly didn’t extend you all of this courtesy when he was courting other people.
Post # 45
If you truely wanted to, you can learn to forgive the indiscretion of his mishandling of the prior situation with the other woman. It takes a lot and for most people it simply isn’t worth the turmoil of attempting since the relationship will never ever be the same again and you’ll always feel as if you are in her shadow. However the sheer fact that he said if she reaches out again at some point he “isn’t going to be rude” says that he will still jump if she says jump. Which means he is holding out for her. If you were being put first, he would cut off all contact and all social media with her and promise you he will never respond to her or initiate conversation ever again. But he isn’t putting you first, he is putting you second which is grounds for you standing up for yourself and ending this, not an engagement. You have your answer. Take care of yourself, you deserve a real love and a real commitment from a real man that would not treat you this way.