Post # 1
So.. I am mid fight with Darling Husband.
We try and get up at 5am to go to the gym before work. His alarm went off this morning and I said I didn’t want to go because I didn’t sleep well and would go this afternoon. He was half asleep and said he would to, so we turned off our alarms and went back to sleep. I thought I reset mine for 7, however I didn’t tell him that and I’m not sure if he set his or not.
Well, I wake up, look at my phone and see it is 7:30. I wake him up and tell him we have slept in and he blames me. I can see why he would blame me today, so I apologised. I told him i’m stressed about work and was tossing and turning all night. He said it was fine and went to make breakfast. He comes back in and in a snarky tone says that I have been making him sleep in a lot lately and he doesn’t like it. I apologised.
How do I make him sleep in? He is responsible for getting himself up. If in the middle on the night I roll over and cuddle him I get blamed because he can’t wake up if he is being cuddled?
I got a message at 8:30am from him saying “I %^$#&^% missed the &^%$%^& late train. &^%^.”
It’s like – hello?! You know how stressed I am about work yet you want to make me all anxious and stressed out that you are mad at me too?!
Arrrggghhh!!!!!!!! I don’t know whatÂ to do? Maybe we should sleep in separate beds.Â He tosses and turns ALL NIGHT. When he is studying he comes in at midnight, turning the lightÂ on, making noise getting ready for bed. I never say anything about it! I roll over and cuddle him and I am the anti-christ!
Post # 3
It sounds like you guys aren’t communicating very well on this issue. You’re resentful about his late night habits, but haven’t told him that they bother you. He can’t read your mind! He’s resentful about your morning habits, but is choosing a childish way to express it. I think the issue here is more about the way you guys communicate than about actual habits.
My husband and I have the same late night staggered schedule, and he tosses and turns a lot. We solved that problem by getting a memory foam mattress (there are a ton of great options out there besides the insanely expensive Temporpedic). He keeps his nightstand and side of the bed set up so that he doesn’t have to turn on a light to do anything, and so he knows exactly where stuff is so he doesn’t stumble around/make noise. We also sleep with separate blankets so that he doesn’t jostle me when he gets into bed and gets all curled up.
It really works for us!
Post # 4
what size bed do you have and is it supportive enough for the 2 of you? we use to have a soft double and i toss and turn all night – now we have this wonderful latex topped king bed and neither of us bother the other, its wonderful and peaceful (as we were just reminded as we had a weekend in Qld on a queen)
i know there are people out there that support seperate beds or rooms but im not one – not when there are still too many other options.
you guys had a shitty start to your monday morning – it happens
Post # 5
I thought I had the wrong day of the week then I realized that you’re in AUS! It is still Sunday afternoon here!
I agree that communication seems to be an issue but it sounds like something else might be going on that is stressing your husband out. I don’t think it was neccesary at all for him to leave you a message like that – that’s terrible!
Figure out if it is an issue with the bed. You also need to talk to him about making noise and turning on lights when he is coming to bed late. I know my husband has nights where he can’t sleep or is up late working and he manages to stumble around in the dark just fine getting himself into PJ’s and is courteous enough not to disturb me.
It’s not YOUR fault that he got up late. Does he shift responsibility and blame often? It is a pretty immature thing to do and not fair that he takes it out on you!
Post # 6
Nuh uh, I wouldn’t let him get away with that.
Darling Husband has to get up at 4:30 for work some days and works graveyards others, and the alarm clock with dual settings is on my side of the bed, but I don’t have to get up till 6:30 Mon-Fri. I’ve offered to purchase him his own alarm for his own side multiple times, but he doesn’t want to. He also likes to snooze a bit after the alarm goes off, and used to try to blame it on me if he completely fell back asleep because I turned off the alarm.
It’s since been made clear that if he wants any futher services than me rolling over and hitting the button to turn off the alarm, he’s going to have to do it himself. I’m not responsible for getting a grown up man out of bed.
We do sleep in separate beds occassionally if somebody has been snoring or tossing and turning all night.
Post # 7
You are not his mom. He can wake himself up.
Post # 8
Sleeping in separate beds may make the problem go away (or may not) but ultimately, how does that solve anything? Are you guys planning on sleeping in separate beds after your married too? As soon as you guys start sleeping in the same bed again it’s going to be a problem. You guys need to have a chat about how responsible you are for each other with things of that nature. Not waking up on time is NOT your fault unless you’re secretly turning his alarm off in the middle of the night. You’re not his mom and you need to let him know that you make yourself responsible for getting up and out of bed on time and he needs to do the same.
Post # 9
I have similar problems and sleep in the guest bed once in awhile when I am sleep deprived. We havea queen sized bed, but we both toss and turn and he is over 6″ tall, so, as you can imagine, it quickly becomes crowded or your covers are stolen. I think you need to get him his own alarm clock that will wake him up. If it doesn’t, then he is a big boy and he is responsible for not getting up. Another option is to have two alarms– a gym alarm and a “sleep in” alarm. When the first one goes off, if you decide not to go to the gym, you can just push the button until the second one goes off.
Also, as a suggestion, my Fiance gets up early (5:00am, an hour before me) and when he is at hockey he goes to bed late (mightnight or 1 am). As a result, he has a “night drawer” and we have a nightlight. When I go to bed and he isn’t in bed yet, I plug in the nightlight and put his pj’s, vitamins, etc, in the bathroom on the counter for him. When he comes to bed he can see enough to crawl in without being noisy, loud, turning on the lights or any other nonsense. In the morning he does the same thing, laying out his clothing in the bathroom (though he is awake enough in the morning to get around the bed for some reason without a nightlight!)
I truly doubt that your cuddling (though I’m sure is great) is not magical enough to keep a grown man asleep through his alarm, nor is it your fault that you discussed, turned off the alarm, and he didn’t get up. I say, talk to him about solutions and figure out a way to work your sleep schedule so you aren’t going crazy!
Post # 10
Wow, I would be shocked and furious (and hurt!) if my husband ever sent me a nasty text like that. Unless, do you regularly swear at each other? If that is just a normal part of your communication, then okay, but otherwise . . .not okay!
PP’s have made great suggestions to solve the sleep problem. Also the thing about communicating is super important, you need to have established rules — are you responsible for waking him up? No? You’re not his mother? He needs to know that! (; My husband and I have seperate alarms (and I always set mine on two different devices, sometimes 3, bc I’ve been known to accidentally turn one off without waking up).
But that text is a whole ‘nother issue altogether in my mind! If I were in your shoes, I would not respond via text at all, wait until you can sit down and explain why this was a completely inappropriate thing for him to do, regardless of circumstances (if indeed you feel that way). Then you can address practical solutions to the original problem, but only after he has acknowledged what an ass move that text was.
Post # 11
Separate alarms. The only thing that has even begun to remedy this problem with Fiance and I. We used to plan to get up to exercise, I wouldn’t hear the alarm or fall right back asleep, he’d snooze…and ultimately we’d just start the day off on the wrong foot, bickering. Now we each set our own alarms, even if they’re at the same time. That way we’re bought in charge of conciously getting up, or in the off chance we don’t want to get up, we change the alarm for ourselves.
I’m sorry he’s stressing out and taking it out on you! Those texts are mean and borderline passive aggressive. I would absolutely be upset if I were you.