Post # 1
My bf and I have dated for 5 months. We are 26 and 30. There was an instant connection. We have talked about our futures and what we want. We know being with each other is what we want. He is moving in with me in February. Back in October we picked out a ring and he bought it that day. He said a proposal would not happen until after February sometime.
Today over the phone he tells me that he wants to wait to propose closer to the 1 year mark because “it looks better” and he was talking to people who said he should live with me first before he proposed. He then says there is no worries on if us living together will go well. But he’s not ready to propose and I’m rushing him. Of course I become upset asking if he changed his mind and he says “no I love you and I’m going to marry you”
Then he says he is going to take the ring back because me knowing about it is ruining the surprise and he feels rushed. And since he says he wants to marry me it shouldn’t matter when he proposes.
So im upset and he is getting mad because he doesn’t understand why I am getting upset. What the final conclusion I got from him is he loves me, he wants to marry me but he wants to wait to ask because he feels after we have been together for a year older people (grandparents) will be more supportive and likely to give us money. And he said he won’t take the ring back.
Post # 2
Hmm. I do think five months is really really fast. How old are you guys?
However, your boyfriend’s reasons for postponing the timeline you’d both previously agreed on are very lame IMO. First he says “because it will look better.” This is not a valid reason. How it will look to other people should not be a concern…the only concern would be how it feels to both of you. If it feels right to you, then you should do it, regardless of what others may say.
His second reason is that he wants money from the grandparents…uh, I’m giving a big fat no to that reason too, for a lot of reasons, the biggest being that it’s never a good idea to let outside people control your decisions. Getting engaged is an adult decision, so it’s time to start acting like self sufficient adults.
That being said, I do think there are valid reasons to wait a year. Such as…giving your relationship more time to progress naturally, getting to know each other better, seeing how each other reacts to various challenges that might come up, etc. If he had come to you with one of those reasons I’d be on his side…but as it is, I dunno, the whole thing sounds very suspect to me.
Post # 3
wishescount : Im not sure if it is about the money, or maybe he just wants everyone to be supportive of the engagement. Often, familes and friends are not happy for couples who move quickly, and there is no way to change that, even if you are perfect for each other.
In the end, you both need to feel comfortable with the timeline. If he wants to wait a few months after you live together to propose, that is his right. If you wish to leave, that is your right. Either way, most people will tell you living together first is a good idea.
At this point, you have not been waiting very long for a proposal, and I would give him the time he needs to feel ready. In the end, a few months longer of dating shouldnt be a big deal if this person is forever, especially if you still have the same end goal in mind. IMO, asking you to wait until you have been together a year is not a large timeline change at all, but rather a more concrete timeline than “sometime after feb”.
As far as taking back the ring, that is the only thing that would upset me, but otherwise I think you need to take his feelings into consideration too (dont get me wrong, its easy to get so excited about the engagement and be upset when it doesnt happen) but this is a lifetime commitment.
Post # 4
From your other thread: “He says what matters is that it feels right for us and not what others think.”
I would ask him what changed with the above statement. I do think you both are at the age where you know what you want and a year is not needed. With that said, I do feel living with someone gives you more of an idea of what marriage will be like with them. My husband and I had a long distance relationship and although we felt like we knew each other, it wasn’t until we moved in together that we really got to know one another.
You need to ask him why the opinions, money, and support from others matter so much. It is you two that will be in this together. If it feels right for you both, then that’s all that matters in the long run.
Post # 5
I’d be more concerned with his (in)ability to make adult decisions than the ring, etc… HE decided to purchase a ring in October – unless you held a gun to his head and made him. So based on what he has said, you talked him into it and now “others” have talked him out of it. Can the man think on his own??
Post # 6
wishescount : Alright Bee. I am going to say this. 5 months is a very short time to be with someone and be getting engaged in my opinion. You two need to get to know eachother, live together, get out of the honeymoon phase. My Fiance and I knew we wanted to get married right away, but we waited until nearly 4 years together to get engaged. At this point in our relationship, we know eachother so well and we have lived together for a long time. We know all of eachothers quirks, bad habits, etc.
I doubt he is wanting to wait for money (I sure hope not because that is greedy IMO). I am guessing he is very worried about how it will look if you get engaged so fast. Or it could be that he wants more time to be a couple before jumping into marriage.
Post # 7
wishescount : If you’re meant to be, you’re meant to be. A few months, or even a year isn’t going to matter – it’s about spending a lifetime together.
If he needs to slow down, and you feel confident in your relationship, let it rest for a while. What it comes down to is if you believe/trust his reasons for wanting to slow down and extend the timeline.
If you trust him and his reasons, sit down and talk about a new timeline that you’re both comfortable with.
Post # 8
What I think it boils down to is that he just doesn’t want to get engaged in February anymore, and the reasons kind of don’t matter (they are kind of flimsy, IMO). I got engaged at the 5 month mark myself, and my fiancé and I talked about how some people were kind of “meh” about it. We were bummed about that, but didn’t let it dissuade us from doing what we wanted. I think that if he truly wanted it to happen in February like you do, nothing would stop him.
Post # 9
Thanks Bees for the quick replies! A year is not a long time to wait, I was concerned that he had a change of heart but I think the biggest reason is he wants to make sure we have love and support from everyone as we take that next step
hopefulmothertobee : yes I can see his point about wanting family to be supportive. I know he feels that his mother and our grandparents would be more supportive if we had been together longer. And as for the ring, he has said he feels like the surprise is ruined since I know he has it and what it looks like.
southerngal2016 : I still feel that way. I think the opinions of other people are getting to him. He said just because someone gave him advice doesn’t mean he is going to take it but he’s not ready. He then doesn’t understand why I think he is having second thoughts or doubting our relationship.
hunting_bride : I am thinking it is a little bit of both. He is concerned about what it will look like if we get engaged so quickly and although he doesn’t want to admit it he does want more time before making that step. But now it’s too far and he can’t because he already bought the ring.
Joyful2019 : Yes I know a year is nothing, time will move quickly. He said over and over he loves me and he will marry me he just needs a little more time.
Post # 10
It sounds like he very clearly told you that things are moving too fast for him. He expressed his feelings to you, and you rejected them, so he started trying to convince you by giving you other examples of why it would be better to wait (i.e. the grandparents thing). I am guessing that “other people’s opinions” are simply what made him realize that he was uncomfortable with how quickly it is moving, and that “it will look bad” is just a less direct way of saying “it’s too soon.”
He loves you, he’s going to move in with you, and he wants to marry you. I understand that it’s frustrating that the timeline switched like this, but it sounds like your guy is trying to be honest with you about how he’s feeling. You should listen to him.
Post # 11
wishescount : I think he’s being wise to wait a year. You should, too. 5 months is not enough time to really know someone. It is enough time to fall in love, of course.
Honestly, the fact he wants to wait makes me think highly of him. He’s being honest with you. A man who tries to rush you into a relationship is the one to not be trusted. A man who loves you, and knows you love him, sounds like a mature, thoughtful person who wants to make sure both of you are grounded, sincere, and making the best decision for your lives.
Go ahead and move in together in February and let things take their natural course. There is no need to rush. It will work out if it’s meant to be.
Post # 12
He probably realized you all were moving waaayyyyy too fast and he wants to actually live with you, date you, get to know you first. Id drop this till the one year mark.
Post # 13
wishescount : So, he is making a decision to wait because of what other people think, and because you are more likely to get gifts of money if you marry later???
I agree that five months is very soon, but I think there are other issues here, and far more troubling ones.
Post # 14
I hate to say this but the fact that he even said that he was considering returning your engagement ring, rather he changed his mind about it or not, rings some really serious bells. I could understand waiting longer. His reasons to wait are no good though. But honestly, if he was considering returning the engagement ring, its not because it wasn’t going to be a surprise. When someone is thinking things are moving too fast they are not thinking about surprises. Something is going on with him, sounds like cold feet or worse second thoughts. I hate to be the bearer of what I think is bad news but you need to know what is going on. I think the best thing to do would be to back off and give him some space and no pressure at all.
Post # 15
I understand where he’s coming from. I think. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship but then maybe when he had chance to think about it he realised 5 months is just too soon and living together for a while first may be a good idea.
A year isn’t long. I’d say move in with each other first then see what happens in a year.