(Closed) Timeline change. Really about money?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
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5775 posts
Bee Keeper

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leilarobs2 :  +1000 Absolutely all of this. 

I could be on Team Boyfriend in wanting to wait at least a year- IF he went about this differently and the two of them sat down and agreed to leave the ring tucked into a drawer until their first anniversary or even their first anniversary of living together. But taking the ring back is a dick move and I’d be questioning his motives. 

How old is he OP? I’d be wary if he behaves this impulsively and easily swayed in other decisions as well. After all, if you marry, this will continue to impact your future. Hey honey, I know we’re trying to save for a down payment, but I just bought a new sportscar. Everyone’s been telling me you should own your dream car before getting locked into a mortgage and kids. So we’ll go back to saving for a down payment in a few years when this sweet ride is paid for. Or I might exchange it for a motorcycle. Maybe a boat.

Post # 32
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6963 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  See, in my opinion I’d WANT him to take the ring back. That way I’d know that a proposal was definitely off the table for now and I wouldn’t be constantly wondering if “today was the day!” I could seriously see myself every single day checking the drawer where it was kept to see if he moved it and then getting my hopes up all the time. I’d rather know that it was gone. But I’m one of those girls that don’t understand AT ALL why some guys tell a girl when they’ve bought a ring but haven’t proposed yet. Then a girl is left over-analyzing every single move until then. I don’t need that craziness in my life! 

It sounds like they both got really swept up in the excitement of this new relationship and rushed things. Upon reflection, maybe after hearing some comments from others, he’s realized this is all going too fast for him. I think it’s good that he’s aware of that right now. 

Post # 33
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5775 posts
Bee Keeper

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llevinso :  I guess we see this from different angles.

Because in her situation, if we both discussed things and agreed to wait a year before becoming engaged, then I wouldn’t be expecting it any day- I’d expect it around our first anniversary or whatever we agreed on. Normally I’m not a fan of ‘guy holding onto ring for ages when he’s already bought it’, but this is in instances when they’ve been dating for years, have timelines etc and the guy procrastinates for months after having the ring, when his partner truly is expecting it ‘any day’. 

But taking the ring back has very different connotations in my mind. It seems like a step backward, it would seem more to me like “I’m not sure” (about OP, about the relationship, about marriage) rather than “I’m sure….but let’s slow down a bit here” 

I can see not being ready at five months- personally I didn’t even think of myself as ‘waiting’ until about two years in- but I see a world of difference between choosing to hold onto a ring for longer than in initially planned and trying to return it to the store. 

Post # 34
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6963 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I see what you’re saying and I do get it. But how many posts do we see on the Bee where they’ve had the timeline discussion but the woman is still wondering if certain things are hints that her bf is about to propose even though they agreed it wouldn’t happen this year? Or people suggesting that maybe the bf was trying to through the girl off track and surprise her with a proposal sooner rather than later? The way my mind works and my anxiety problems just makes that all a recipe for disaster.

Also, since it’s clear from the OP that her bf is a bit focused on/worried about money, maybe he returned it in part because he realized he couldn’t really afford something like that right now?

Post # 35
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859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  i agree with you on this.

only positive i could see for him wanting to return the ring would be if he wanted to get her a “better” one. but that doesn’t seem to be the case. to me it seems like he’s having doubts and wants to wipe their slate clean from any engagement talks. and i would be concerned over that because he didn’t come to that conclusion all on his own.

it’s awful others swayed his thinking while he was sharing happy news. i would expect the opposite from him. i would expect for him to stand up for his own feelings and defend the both of them to the naysayers. he’s plenty old enough to make up his own mind. just wth? sure, maybe they helped his true feelings surface and he genuinely wants to slow down, but his actions of wanting to return the ring and using others as scapegoats is just too immature for me. like, man up and admit your feelings changed. tell the truth to the one person who’s supposed to mean more to you than anyone else. if he can’t properly communicate, i certainly wouldn’t want to take the leap of faith and live together. :/

and this doesn’t even touch on the concern i would have over the money gift.. 

sorry for the wall of text. couldn’t find a good break point there. 

Post # 36
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859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

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llevinso :  even if everything you’re saying is true, and it very well might be, the fact that he can’t be honest and properly communicate all of that is a bit worrying.

Post # 37
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6963 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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nifer317 :  It sounds like he was trying to come up with excuses when it just boiled down to the simple truth that he wasn’t ready. Maybe he didn’t feel comfortable telling her the exact truth and I think that proves that they’re not ready. I think communication is something that isn’t always perfect right away and that’s fine. It can take some time to work at and feel completely comfortable with the other person. Another reason why, in general, I don’t think 5 months is enough time to make these sort of decisions. 

Post # 38
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5775 posts
Bee Keeper

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llevinso :  Yes, I was in that situation myself- timeline discussion, waiting, lol not very patiently, DH wanting to ‘throw me off’ (eyeroll) and all of that. But timeline discussions are very different from what’s happening here-  with a timeline, it’s usually something like ‘by the end of 2016’ or ‘before Valentine’s Day’, meaning ‘anytime between now and December 31st’….so literally any day in between. This is different from the decision to ‘hold off for now until at least a year’, because under this understanding is the implicit agreement that things have been a bit of a whirlwind and they’ve agreed to slow their roll at least until the one year mark. So engagement would pretty much be off the table until the one year mark- but this does not necessitate returning a ring. A returned ring still = regretted purchase to me, rather than hasty purchase, will hold onto for awhile. 

Agree that he’s a bit focused on money. His grandparents money to be specific, which is more sketchy than respectable in the grand scheme of decision making. 

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nifer317 :  Yes, too easily swayed by others opinions or using them as scapegoats to deflect from himself, neither is a stellar sign of a stand up guy. If he wanted to slow things down, wait longer, he should have first and foremost been discussing this with OP, in this case it seems like she’s the last to know about his change of heart. 

Post # 39
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6963 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  Right and I’m not saying he is or isn’t a good guy. I have no idea his motives here. I was just saying what I’d prefer in this situation, knowing what I know, because so many people seemed to see his returning of the ring as a huge negative. Just wanted to throw out a different perspective there. And I agree that the fact he cannot be honest with her is worrying, but not as “red flag” worrying as some seem to think. I think it’s more a sign of that they do not know each other well enough yet and they are not ready for marriage. 

Post # 40
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31 posts
Newbee

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wishescount :  it’s been 5 months?! you need to relax. what is the rush? do you want to feel like you pressured him into this? let him do it on his own time. Yes, he’s right, living together 1st is a good idea.

Post # 41
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859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

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llevinso :  definitely a good point. this all but proves he’s not ready no matter how we interpret what’s happening. 

Post # 42
Member
1439 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’ve only read a few of the last few replied but is it really a bad thing if he’s not fully in to the idea of married right now?

My husband and I’s first Christmas was when we had been together for around 5 months. I had a broken car window a few days before Christmas and was going through the phone book at his place looking for someone who could fix it. When I opened the phone book it accidentally (I swear haha) opened at bridal shops. I remember my now husband saying (as a joke) “whoa, I’m not ready for marriage! Maybe in a few years. Turn over!” It meant nothing because we had been together for 5 months. Of course he wasn’t ready for marriage then! That was OK. It was only MANY many months later that we actually started discussing marriage. We are now married 7 years later after we both decided together that we were ready for this next step.

I do understand that what my husband said may not have mattered so much because he didn’t have a ring and both of us definitely weren’t ready for marriage but I honestly don’t think it’s a bad thing for a guy to say after five months that he isn’t ready for marriage. I do understand where people are coming from by saying it was mean to take the ring back. But as I said before- he might have been completely swept up in those new relationship feelings (we’ve all been there) and then decided he wasn’t ready and returned the ring. He could have returned it for many reasons. He might have needed the money, the money he spent on a ring could be spent towards his and OP’s home they’re planning on moving in to together soon, could be that he didn’t want OP thinking about it and worrying about that ring till the time when he does decide to propose. I don’t know, there could be many reasons why he returned the ring.

I know a lot of people have moved quickly and have had successful relationships and marriages. I really don’t think I knew my husband after five months. It’s completely acceptable after five months to decide you don’t know a person and you’re not ready for marriage I think.

Moving in together, knowing eachother a bit more, taking a holiday together all sound like a good plan.

Post # 43
Member
1439 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Oh and I have a completely different view on how proposals work. This girl knowing the ring is sitting in a drawer and waiting for a proposal often doesn’t sit well with me so maybe that’s tainting my views on the whole ring thing a bit too.

Post # 44
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2816 posts
Sugar bee

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leilarobs2 :  I totally agree with this. Personally I will not move in with someone again until we’re engaged/have clearly discussed marriage, kids, finances, timelines, and made sure we’re sure about each other. I realize many people don’t feel this way and see it as more of a “trial period,” but I personally want to make sure all the “on paper” stuff is good before doing that. Moving in together is a big step, and it’s much harder to leave once you’re living with someone. 

I also agree with the PPs — 5 months is soon. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about the same amount of time. We’re in love, and we’ve talked vaguely about a future together (he says stuff like, “I never want to go on any first dates again” and when I asked him where he wanted to be in 5 years he said he wanted to be “settled down with someone nice, like you”). I’m spending the holidays with his family. But even though I feel really secure about how he feels about me, and how I feel about him, and I think we’re moving in a good direction, and I am lurking on these boards because I like imagining being married to him, I still don’t feel like we’re ready to get engaged.

Why? We haven’t had a major fight or been through anything really rough together. He hasn’t met my (crazy) family yet (they live across the country). I’ve never seen him cry. We haven’t discussed how many kids we want or what our parenting philosophies would be. We haven’t had a real discussion about finances. We haven’t even been together for 6 months! I know he’s supportive and kind, thoughtful, sweet, attractive, good in bed, and loves me and wants to be with me. But I still don’t feel like I know him well enough to commit to life with him. And I don’t think he knows me well enough either. I know how I feel, but my feelings have fooled me before! 

Statistcally, 2 years is the sweet spot for an engagement in terms of diminishing the divorce risk. Obviously, these are just stats, and if it feels right, you should get engaged whenever you want to. But I do think they make some sense — after that amount of time, you should def know the person. 

Post # 45
Member
7 posts
Newbee

It sounds like your OH got caught up in the hype and excitement and has now had a chance to think and realise that you are moving way too fast.

You can’t really know a person until you have lived with them, seen all their quirks, their annoying habits etc

If you know you two are meant to be and will last whats the rush? 

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