(Closed) Timeline coping mechanisims

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

shut it up until then? not a very long time

i mean i gave my fi a timeline saying that if he does not get serious about where we’re headed by ‘this time next year’ im going to have to cut my losses and save him some time too

he proposed before the deadline πŸ™‚

we’ve been together 4 years when he proposed

Post # 4
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

uhhhh get a hobby? you’ll look back and think how fast time flew by! πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Most people are going to say that keeping busy is truly the best way to keep your mind off of things, and I agree. The busier you are with your life, the less time you have to think about it.

December isn’t too far away, so just keep busy, hang out with your friends, shop, etc until then. Remember, if you’re really serious about your timeline, stick to your guns if the show doesn’t get on the road!

Post # 6
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

I agree with all the other posters with getting a hobby or possibly 3 or 4 hobbies. I try to hesitate or change the subject if I feel like bringing stuff up.  I also have tried to look at it as a game in how long I can be quiet for and not bring wedding stuff up. The shut it up pact totally helps with that and also if you mark off each day on your calendar that you have dedicated to shutting it up and then reward yourself with something you have been wanting at the end of the week if you make it.

The most difficult times I have with shutting it up is if he mentions future stuff with us in general or starts talking himself about things and saying that we are moving forward. I notice that I start asking “when or how soon” or asking if he’s been planning stuff. I always regret it when I ask things like that because that’s kind of prodding and taking away from the surprise and/or being pushy. I find it helpful to try to just say something like. “I’m glad or that’s nice”. It’s so much easier said than done, but these are the things I try to use with shutting it up. I haven’t been nearly as good as I would like to be but I’m improving overall. Good luck! My limit is the end of the year too if he doesn’t propose. Something will have to give at that time.

Post # 7
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Your hobby should be planning life w/o him. Redecorate, save for a huge trip or go back to school. Maybe research a place to move for a new job or just b/c you’d like to live there. Tell him about your plans (b/c you’re excited, not b/c you’re manipulating him) and see if he’s got an opinion on it. This will get you excited about things if he doesn’t come thru and will get him to realize that maybe he does want a say in your life, which does relate to having a formal commitment. Why stay for him if he won’t commit to you, yknow?

g’luck!

Post # 8
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Oh! And “He said it goes against everything he stands for in a relationship…”? I would’ve squeezed his hand, and with a sparkle in my eye said, “Going this long without having a formal commitment or at least a convo to set out a timeline has gone against everything *I* stand for in a relationship but since I know relationships are a two-way street, I gave you more time than I was comfortable with and now figure this was more respectful than just walking out Dec 31st” πŸ˜‰


Post # 9
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

@blinkingSTAR:  ********BUMP THIS!!!!!

 

OP: Girl, You got this, I am so jealous if he’s serious. You got nothing on this wait. Its only two more months!!!!! πŸ™‚ Hang in there and think of a fantastic gift for him (even if maybe it doesn’t happen, you’ll be getting something for him fantastic.)

2nd thing is, Go chill with some girlfriends and family more, grandparents are there for you, they always need time with their grandkids πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

Blinkingstar,  I LOVE that!

 

Maybe this sounds crazy and might not be for everyone, but besides weddingbee, doing a lot of preliminary research has helped me a lot. Researching venues, caterers,makeup and hair, dressmakers, thinking about tablescapes and drafting a guest list has really helped! Maybe only because I am so sure it is a matter of when not if, but it lets me direct all that excited and impatient energy somewhere, and I know that I will have a major head start once I start to plan in earnest! Goodluck!

Post # 11
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

@blinkingSTAR:  that is said perfectly… It’s like you are reading my mind. Why is it they can drag things on… But then when we get restless its “pressure” and “spoiling the romance”? Makes me crazy!!!

Post # 12
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

@Waitingtoexhale:  I agree! It is such a double standard! We are supposed to wait quietly and patiently for them to be ready and if we dare to bring up the subject it is pushing and nagging! I hated that phase of my relationship with my SO. Thankfully, couples counseling and time have helped him get on the same page as me and we are now moving forward at the same pace :o)

Post # 13
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

@impatientlywaiting20:  it really is a double standard. And a dated one. Back in the day that women patiently waited for a proposal… There was usually no sex, no cohabitation and proposals often happened after less than a year of dating.

we are supposed to apply that standard to a modern relationship?? in our society it is ok for men to string girls along, cohabitate,have children berore marriage, etc? I am not judging those things, but it DOES make men less pressured to marry, compared to years past. Marriage is not a foregone conclusion anymore. Many women have waited five + years and THEN had to walk. I would love to have had a surprise proposal but that isn’t happening and I’m not going to sit around waiting for it. It. May never come, and by pressing the situation I will find out sooner.

yeah… I’m over it. LOL.

Post # 14
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@blinkingSTAR:  Oh! And “He said it goes against everything he stands for in a relationship…”? I would’ve squeezed his hand, and with a sparkle in my eye said, “Going this long without having a formal commitment or at least a convo to set out a timeline has gone against everything *I* stand for in a relationship but since I know relationships are a two-way street, I gave you more time than I was comfortable with and now figure this was more respectful than just walking out Dec 31st” πŸ˜‰


Exactly this. I don’t understand why women are given the guilt trip of “If you loved him, you would stay with him regardless of whether he wants to marry you.” Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me enough to marry me!? Shouldn’t that tell me everything I need to know about his feelings for me? No thanks….. 

Post # 15
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

@EffieTrinket:  I agree! Although I understand why intense pressure is not good, I really think the attitude you describe is sort of a convenient excuse manufactured by guys who want to stall. It sounds good and has some base in logic but really, it’s intended to flip it around on the woman who doesn’t want to be stalled.

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