- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2016
So as a refresher and for anyone who hasn’t seen my slew of crazy posts from last summer, my SO and I had our first timeline conversation last June in which we established that he’ll probably propose in a “year or two” “but not three because that seems like too long.” So I had a very vague idea of his plans. I know that he mostly wants to get an apartment first and after that I don’t think it should be too long (we both live with our parents because of money. We’re 26 and 23 and I’m in grad school. He has a decent full time job. Oh and we’ve been together a bit over 3 years).
So yesterday we had a sort of updated version of that conversation. The way it came up was kind of weird. He had gotten me a pretty ring for Christmas that I now wear all the time. Yesterday he told me that when he got it his mom asked him if it was a promise ring and he laughed and said he’s not into that stuff (we never talked about it and I had no idea how he felt about promise rings. I’m neither for or against them, but I was surprised by his reaction. He made it seem like a completely irrational and ridiculous gesture).
After that I started getting a bit upset and teary eyed. This hasn’t happened (to his knowledge) about this topic ever (though in reality I’ve been upset about it a few times since the first conversation in private. This is where this site comes in lol). Anyways, he asked what was wrong and I told him that sometimes I feel stuck. Because I’m in grad school and will be for another while, it just feels like everyone around me is moving foreward with their lives and I’m not. I told him that talking about our future helps me feel sane and like I’m not left behind.
He was sympathetic and tried to make me feel better by saying that even though it feels like I’m stuck and not doing much now, once I graduate I’ll be ahead of a lot of people. I guess that’s true, but only as far as education and careers go. In marriage/kids/independent living stuff I’ll still be behind (which is something I never thought would matter to me. My own reaction to all of this is actually pretty surprising to me).
He told me that he feels the opposite of the way I do in that he doesn’t like talking about the future because it makes him anxious. He said thinking about it makes him want for everything to happen sooner (starting with getting an apartment) and that just makes him upset because he knows he can’t afford it yet. I asked if the timeline he gave me in the summer for a proposal still seems reasonable (a year or 2) and/or if he thinks it will happen before I graduate (3.5 years) and he said, “I think so, right?” Like he wanted me to tell him if that was reasonable. That had me a bit confused. I don’t even know if he was just talking about getting engaged or getting married within 3.5 years. By the way, he’s hoping to afford an apartment and move out by the end of this year.
So now I’m back to stuck, but I do feel a bit better knowing that we talked about it and that he still sees it happening eventually. What makes me feel not as good is that he doesn’t like talking about it (which from these boards I see that a lot of SO’s don’t) and that thinking about it/the future makes him anxious (is that part normal too?). Oh, he also said that if I weren’t in grad school maybe it would happen sooner – the reason school makes things difficult is because it’s out of state so I have to commute a lot and we just see each other on weekends since I started. Knowing it could have happened sooner kind of makes it sting a little.
And that’s that. Sorry this came out so long. I partially want to hear feedback and partially just needed to get it out and written down.
Thanks bees =]