- 4 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014
I think a lot of Bees are confused about what is a timeline for marriage and what is an ultimatum.
This is an ultimatum:
“Marriage is extremely important to me and I want us to be married within 3 years”.
“We’ve been living together for 2 years and I can’t ‘play house’ anymore, do you think we’ll be engaged next year or should I look for a new apartment?”
“I’m in my 30’s and my window for having children is closing. Are we going to get married this year or not?”
This is a timeline: “If we were to ever get married, when do you think that would be?”
“Do you ever see us getting married? When do you think we would be ready for marriage?”
“I’ve been thinking about marriage, do you ever think of that? When do you think would be a good time?”
See the difference? In an ultimatum, you want something really bad, and if your boyfriend doesn’t give it to you soon, he’s going to be in trouble. In a timeline, you ask your boyfriend how he feels and don’t punish him for a ‘wrong’ answer. You are just gathering information. Often, he won’t have an answer right away. That’s ok, he’s taking the matter seriously. No matter what happens, you have the information you need to plan your future. Either he eventually gives you an answer about his timeline or he fails to come up with an answer (that tells you all you need to know!!)
Getting a timeline requires a lot of courage. We have to accept the answer even if it’s not the one we want. Maybe we want marriage within 1 year and he wants marriage within 5 years- we either wait or walk away. That’s it. We don’t try to force him to change his timeline. An ultimatum is where we beg, bully, punish, cajole, convince, plead, bribe, pressure, push, and generally try to force somebody else to adopt our opinions.