(Closed) Timeline went from "Two Years" to "I'm Not Sure"

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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blissfulheart:  You said you wanted a proposal sooner than two years, but have you ever told him what your timeline is?  I think he should hear your timeline–When you envision being engaged, how long an engagement you foresee, when do you want to start TTC.  And then he can tell you if any or all of it sounds reasonable to him.  And the conversation can go from there. 

Post # 3
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

You mention that the place he bought was expensive. Is he saying that his timeline has changed because he’s not sure that he can save up for a ring/wedding? If that is his only hangup, then I’d talk about expectations for that. Maybe you don’t want an expensive ring or a big wedding, and letting him know those things might encourage him. Just keep communication open, and let him know YOUR wants and needs — they matter just as much as his!

Post # 6
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

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blissfulheart:  I’m confused. By lease do you mean a 15 year mortgage and then he owns it? Or is he literally renting a place for 15 years and comes out with nothing?

50% for rent/mortgage alone is a lot. Did he make this decision without you? I personally would feel really uncomfortable about that.

If the two of you were to live together, would expenses and saving be manageable?

Post # 7
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

How’d he get approved for that apartment? Usually there are income requirements, that just doesn’t sound smart at all.

Post # 8
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I don’t mean to sound rude, but it isn’t smart financial sense at all to use half your income for an apartment.  I’m also confused if he’s renting or if it’s a mortgage, but it sounds to me like this is a mortgage.  If it is, I’m assuming he’s doing a 15 year instead of the traditional 30 year.  No matter what it is, having to budget half your income for it would make me really leary.

So I’m also guessing his timeline has been pushed back because of this expense.  That would not sit well with me.  It also sounds like he made this decision without your input, which means he really does not see you in his future.

I don’t know, Bee.  This doesn’t look good.

Post # 9
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

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blissfulheart:  

My $0.02?

Sounds like the relationship has ceased to be positive. When that happens, move along. He’s not the groom you’re looking for.

 

Post # 10
Member
2229 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Has he involved you in this housing decision? Will you be helping with payments? It doesn’t sound very well thought through tbh

Post # 11
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Are  you living in the apartment together?

If you’re waiting to move in until you’re married, having an additional paycheck going towards the apartment may help. On the other hand though, were you a part of the decisiont to sign a 15 year “lease”? (I put it in quotations because I’m not really sure what that means.. I’ve never heard of such a thing in the US at least). 

Post # 12
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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blissfulheart:  He should know not only your “ideal” timeline but also your “bottom-line” timeline.  If your bottom-line timeline is still too quick for him then forget even more about your ideal!

When I met my husband I also wanted things to happen quick ideally, but what I told him is “I want to be starting TTC no later than when I’m 30, do not want to be TTC out of wedlock and also would not want to start trying immediately after getting married (probably want to wait 6 months to a year to enjoy just the 2 of us first), and would probably be a year-long engagement, and I’m 2_ now,” soooooo, he can do the math backwards from there, it’s not that many years. 

Post # 13
Member
7850 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Many people purchase apartments, and it is common in some cities. However, it is rarely called a “lease” when people purchase them; it is a mortgage, just like it would be on a house. I am puzzled, though, as to what lender would agree to back a situation where rent/mortgage payments would be half of someone’s income. That seems a poor risk. Is the apartment suitable for a family? If not, then I doubt he is truly considering marriage at all. How long have the two of you been together? 

Regardless, I think you need to make a timeline for YOURSELF and decide what is right for you. You don’t need to put your life on hold to wait for him; you need to know what you want and when you want it and move on if he is not on board with those plans. 

Post # 14
Member
10498 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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blissfulheart:  

Some very good advice here I think  OP, notably about taking the reins yourself a bit more more , in the sense of talking/acting    as it this is a joint enterprise not merely you waiting  for him to  make his moves in his own good  time despite what you might want.

But FWIW my feeling is that he may well want to  get married in the future , but certainly not in the foreseeble future ( I don’t think many men who really want to get married would say only if they can have all the trappings, that sounds  like  a total  fob off to me  ), and not, I’m  sorry,  necessarily to you . He has other priorities  and while I don’t doubt  at all that he loves you , you and he are not on the same page .

Maybe you can change  this, along the sensible  lines suggested by camenae above …

Post # 15
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

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camenae:  agree with this. If it is two years before he proposes, how long will it be before the wedding? My engagement is over a year. 3+ years is a long time to wait for the actual marriage. Especially if you want to TTC.

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