(Closed) Timelines

posted 5 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
  • poll: How long is 'long enough' for long distance before taking the plunge?

    A few months

    At least a year

    Several years at least

  • Post # 2
    Member
    667 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    We were apart for 2.5 years, but got to see each other almost monthly.  I moved in in 2012, he proposed in 2014 and we got married in 2015.  While apart we talked daily.

    Post # 3
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Fiance is in the army and we met when he was stationed in my home state. When he decided to move home (he went reserves), we decided together that I would move to be with him, 5 months in. I was able to transfer and the field I’m in travels a little easier than others  (I’m a recruiter). We always planned on marrying each other but he decided that he wanted to go back active, so we decided to push our marriage date up to 9.26, before we get moved to his next base. We got engaged at 9 months in and will be married at 10 months in. He always planned on proposing at 9 months in, so we didn’t rush that part of it ๐Ÿ™‚

    With all of that being said, I sincerely believe it’s best to follow your heart. You and your DB know better than anyone else when youre ready to be married, and there’s no “set amount of time” that dictates that. Being apart sucks, but you also want to make sure that you both are going into marriage with the right mindset to be successful. you’ll both know when the time is right. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1186 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    View original reply
    wildflower3:  I firmly believe in living together for at least a year before you can really truly know a person, but that is my personal opinion.  If you are against living together before marriage, I think at least living together in the same area for a while (over a year) is a must before you are ready to consider marriage.  You really don’t know a person, all their habits and flaws, until you live together, share the stress of jobs, bills, etc together.  What if you’re a clean freak, want to go out every night and your partner is messy and a homebody?  What if your partner is lax with bills, or a spender while you’re a saver? You may think you know, but you don’t TRULY know until you live with them.  If I were you I would put off being engaged until you can at least live in the same area as him for a while.  Just my 2 cents

    Post # 5
    Hostess
    4627 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    We were long distance on and off throughout the course of our relationship. In college, we spent summer and winter break apart (12 hours). My first year of grad school, we were 8 hours apart, my second year, he lived in my city, the third year, his internship took him 12 hours away. I would say about half of our nearly 8 year relationship was long distance. That being said, I would not feel comfortable marrying him had we never lived in the same city for a long period of time. We went to college together (started dating our freshman year) and he had moved back to my city post-internship a year before he proposed. I have several friends who had great LDRs, but once they lived in the same city, the relationship completely imploded.

    I’d also be concerned about your career outlook where he lives; if it isn’t possible to get a job near where he lives now, how will you know for sure you will find one there when you get married?

    ETA: I realized I didn’t answer your last question.  We started dating at 18, so we weren’t in a hurry to get married before we finished school, even though we talked from very early on about how we were sure that the other was “the one” and that we would get married when we were older.  In my head at 18, I liked the idea of getting engaged at 20 and married at 22 right after graduation.  Once I actually turned 20, I realized how young we still were and that that was not the plan that would work for us.  We started really talking timelines our senior year of college since he had to stay an extra year to finish his classes and I was moving to go to law school.  I wanted to know before we did the long distance thing that we were still on the same page (my highschool bf and I had an LDR at the start of college that was very shortlived).  We both decided that it would be best to get married after grad school, and he specifically mentioned 27.  At 22, 3+ years into the relationship, this seemed like FOREVER to me, but I knew that I wanted to finish law school first and hoped for 25.  He proposed this year ๐Ÿ™‚  We are both 26 and will be 27 when we get married next fall. 

    Somehow my 22 year old Fiance knew that 27 was the magic number even back then.  For us, this was the perfect timeline.  We started dating young, we lived independantly, we grew up, together and apart.  We have our own hobbies, interests, and very different careers, but we still love being together and have a great time doing even mundane things around the house.  Timelines are entirely individual to the couple, but I definitely encourage you to be open minded about giving yourself a bit longer of a timeline since you are in an LDR.  Like PP mentioned, it’s just not the same as living together or even living separately in the same city. 

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  missinthecity.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  missinthecity.
    Post # 7
    Hostess
    4627 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I’m sorry bee, that sounds really stressful I don’t have a lot of experience with the military lifestyle (a lot of oldercoworkers and extended family are veterans, but no one I’m super close to is currently serving) so it is not something that is very familiar to me. It does sound like you have a good head on your shoulders since you are weighing a lot of options for being financially secure. How long have the two of you been together? That would be important to me. Of course timelines are different for everyone, but if it’s less than 18 months, you’re still probably in the honeymoon stage. LDRs tend to add to that, but of course, numbers are numbers, and everyone’s situation is different.

    ETA: If you’re planning on staying where you are for a couple more years, that’ll give you more time to look for solid opportunities where your SO is stationed ๐Ÿ™‚  Hopefully it won’t even end up being an issue. 

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  missinthecity.
    Post # 8
    Member
    2454 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I firmly believe that you have to live together to truly get to know someone. A phone call everyday is not the same as someone coming home angry and having to spend the next 14 hours with them. I have never had experience with military men, but many of my friends have. While a few have successful marriages it is because they were able to get to know each other and spend time together. All of my other friends who were not successful in their relationships was because they weren’t able to really get to know each other. They were floating on the “honeymoon phase”  how long have you two even been dating? 

    I really think that you have to live in the same city, if not together for at least a year before you can even remotely determine if you will be able to survive a marriage together. 

    Also, I will say parents normally voice concerns if they see red flags. The fact that you have barely actually been with him, is a red flag for your mother. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2454 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    wildflower3:  I will say that this is only something that you and your so can figure out. I think that if it works for you to get engaged next summer. Then do it. We can’t really give you a time line, because each relationship is different. I was shooting for 3 to 4 years after we started dating aND that was with us seeing each other everyday. I’m not sure how being in the military changes or warps that time line. Good luck though bee! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 11
    Member
    4239 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Hubster is a veteran and a reservist.  As you know already, it’s stressful.  Deployments are stressful.  Military life is stressful.  You could potentially be moved wherever they want you to be at a minute’s notice.  All of a sudden there are the movers and you’re moving across the country.  My husband actually has not been active since I’ve known him — he was considering it but knew it was my deal breaker so we compromised and he stayed in the reserves — but he told me so many horror stories about people getting married right away for convenience and it ended in a wicked divorce.  It happens a lot so I’m glad you are taking that into consideration with your decision.

    I would say if you can, try to move to his base and his general area so you can start spending more time together.  I know you say that it’s hard to find work where he is, but I would strongly recommend at least spending some time closer to him before making that commitment.  Not living with him, but find a roommate or two.  I’m not discounting long distance relationships as I spent a good deal in LDRs myself when dating other guys, but I am saying that it is very different and being in the same general area and seeing that person more often than you are now is a good idea before committing.

    Overall though I think you are looking at this with a clear lens and that is super important.  Good for you for not jumping into something!

    Post # 12
    Member
    151 posts
    Blushing bee

    My situation was somewhat similiar to yours. I knew my Fiance before he joined the marines but we did not start officially dating until he only had one year left. We spent the first year of our relationship 2000 miles apart and I only saw him for a total of two weeks for those first 12 months. We had discussed our future together while he was still in active duty but did not get engaged until he had been home for a year and a half. I think it was important to spend a good amount of time living close to him before we got engaged. But, I also don’t think you should decided to move closer to him until you are ready and feel comfortable about it. Following your SOs career is a huge decision and I think it’s smart that you are thinking about the factors that go into it. Everyone’s timelines are different. You seem to be thinking about every aspect of a military LDR rationally so do what you feel is right for you.

    Post # 13
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I wanted to throw my two cents in here.  My fiancé is currently an active duty Marine, and we’ve been long distance for our entire relationship.  We were sort of friends in high school (not overly close, never hung out outside of school, but had some of the same friends and such).  We actually reconnected when he was stationed in Okinawa, Japan—while I live in our hometown in New Jersey.  It’s funny, my situation sounds a lot like yours, which is why I wanted to comment.  

    I feel like everything I say on here can be easily refuted by someone not in my position and because I’m not married yet/haven’t had enough time for my experience to count/etc.  That being said, I would have written this the same way you did, and I had the same thoughts and curiosities.  I never wanted to get married to someone I had never spent time living with first.  I never thought I would marry into the military.  I just didn’t see that as my life. But, like you said, life throw curveballs, and I just went with it.  

    As for a timeline, I think it really depends on the people involved.  Everything is heavily dependant on the specific people and their relationship together.  In my case, I know how well we work together and how good we are as a couple just by things that we’ve been through and how it’s all been handled.  We talk all the time, we Skype as much as possible, and we tell each other everything—good, bad, and in between.  We have a better relationship than most of his coworkers and their wives, and I really don’t believe any of it has to do with the distance and “not knowing each other well enough.”  And neither do they.  We’ve had people comment on how well we go together.  

    Anyway, since you asked about timelines…  We got engaged about a year after we started dating, and we’ll be getting married a little after the two year mark.  Our whole relationship has been long distance, getting to see each other for about a week every two or three months.  His enlistment will officially end a week before our wedding, but he’ll have some time saved up for terminal leave and is also applying to end his enlistment a couple months earlier.  After that, he’ll be moving home and going to college.

    If there’s anything else you want to know, feel free to tag me on here or send me a private message! (:

    Post # 14
    Member
    834 posts
    Busy bee

    Met once, Apart for 9 months “dated” during that time, 1 visit for 6 days, apart for 2 months, I moved in for 9 months. Apart again for 7 months, moved back in for 6 months, apart of what is now 5 months. He purchased a ring.

    So over 3 years we have been together and we have lived together for a total of 1.5 years approx, and just now he has purchased a ring. Yet to propose though. 

    So yeah… a few years. And def try to live together before taking the plunge bc they can be a totally diff person than they display long distance wise. 

    Post # 15
    Hostess
    4627 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    View original reply
    wildflower3:  It sounds like yall are building a really solid foundation for your relationship and thinking through everything before making the leap.  I’m sure whatever the two of you decide will be the right thing for you ๐Ÿ™‚  I wish you the best of luck and hope you’ll check back in when he pops the question!

    The topic ‘Timelines’ is closed to new replies.

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