Post # 1
Posting anonymously: I’ve been planning my wedding for Nov. 2013, found out my Future Sister-In-Law got engaged this week, and I have no idea when she wants to be married. More info below, but my question is–do I have a right to ask that priority be given to my wedding date since I got engaged first, and my Fiance is the older sibling?
The reasons I want to ask her this:
- My culture (I’m not Caucasian, but my Fiance and his family are) believes that it’s bad luck if siblings are married in the same year. Because my Fiance is the older sibling (there’s only the 2 of them), and because we were engaged in May this year, I believe we should be able to marry first, should my belief be respected/observed.
- Everyone, including my Future Sister-In-Law herself, was surprised when her Boyfriend or Best Friend asked her to move in with him after only 1.5 months of dating. After 3 months of dating, he proposed. Based on her own reaction to moving in so soon, I figure there’s a chance she might welcome a long engagement. However, I know that she may be so excited to be engaged that that may not be true.
My future parents in law (FPIL?) are disappointed that their daughter was proposed to so soon, and they would be thrilled with a longer engagement for her, should I bring this up to them. I would not bring it up to them, though, if it is rude of me to do so.
An example from my culture: Recently, a friend of mine and her older sister were engaged coincidentally in the same week. Their mom asked my friend to “let [her] sister go first.” My friend agreed, and so her older sister got married late 2011, and my friend got married June 2012.
Sorry if that was long, but thanks for reading, your thoughts would be appreciated!
Post # 3
It would be ok if FH brings it up that she should have her wedding a couple months before or after yours because family will have to fly in both times. Asking more than that would be considered rude.
Post # 4
you can discuss this with your parents in law and see what they think, since you already planning your wedding and you are the first one to do it, you should not change your date. the best way to do it is to discuss this with them first
Post # 5
That makes a lot of sense, thank you.
I forgot to add that Fiance and I have yet to formally ask his parents for help with specific expenses, so I think we may have panicked mostly about asking them for money before they pay a lot for FSIL’s wedding. When we were engaged this year, his parents offered their help and Future Mother-In-Law definitely wanted to take care of flowers and decorations, so I’ve been coordinating with her on that, but we might need their help with other things, and we’re planning to ask them this week.
Post # 6
I think your fiance should discuss this with his family. You shouldn’t be the one suggesting a longer engagement for your Future Sister-In-Law, even if his parents (and even your FSIL) would welcome the idea! I think just talk with your fiance about this, and get him to sort it out with his family.
Post # 7
I don’t see why your Future Sister-In-Law should be bound by your culture’s tradition/belief of one wedding per year. She’s not of your culture and is not marrying into it. So if she wants a wedding next year, you can talk to her but you can’t stop her.
Also, it might be a rushed wedding due to pregnancy. Or they might just want a short engagement.
Post # 8
I have never heard of a culture that does not believe in family members getting married in the same year. Also, it’s not your sibling that’s getting married so I don’t understand how the ‘bad luck’ could affect you.
ETA: getting engaged first, or dating for longer does not make your engagement or wedding anymore important or valid than theirs. Unless they choose a very close date, you’re not really within any rights to ask then to postpone.
Post # 9
Oh my goodness, I’m so glad I asked this question as soon as I heard she was engaged. I think you all prevented me from having my first rude/bridezilla moment. Of course if anything should be said it should only come from my Fiance, and not from me. I’m usually very polite in every area of my life (and proud of it), and I can’t believe I sat here envisioning that I would be the one to ask/discuss all this with their family!
Thank you for replying!
Post # 10
All cultures have tons of beliefs, some of which may be so obscure or special to a region that it may never be communicated to people outside of the culture, so I’m not surprised if you’ve never heard about it before. I, myself, only heard about it when my friend and her sister got engaged, and I’m in my late 20’s.
That being said, I doubted it would apply to our marriage too, since the siblings in question are not from my culture. But superstitions are superstitions, and some are projected on everyone in general, even if those who believe them are from a specific group of people. So, my mom said that if it’s not rude to bring it up, to definitely tell at least my Fiance about it and see what he says. If this weird belief is never brought up to his sister or parents, then whatever. My mom just cautioned me that if it’s possible, it’d be a good idea to move our date if my Future Sister-In-Law is firm about hers, whenever that will be.