Post # 1
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
FI’s friend/ groomsman has a girlfriend that nobody in the group is particularly fond of. They went to high school with her, so it’s not as if they don’t know her. For various unknown reasons, she has been extremely rude to FI and me, and she has flat-out stated that she hates me- never explained why- (which, in conjunction with her general attitude, has, understandably, caused me to not like her as well). For obvious reasons, FI and I have been hoping she wouldn’t make it to our very small wedding, but it seems she is hell-bent on coming. I have written about this girl before, so if this sounds familiar, there is a reason.
Anyhow, she has decided to try to make nice with me (we heard this from her and her boyfriend, separately. He said something about her poor attitude in the past). How can I try to play nice with this girl, who has treated me like crap for years? If she was just a temporary fling for FI’s friend, I would just let it go, but they have been together for a while and it doesn’t seem like she is going anywhere.
FI understands my hesitation, but has asked that I give her one chance, so I am going to because it is in everyone’s best interest. But I am uncertain how to proceed. I seriously doubt she could ever become someone I want to hang out with one on one. Ideas? I’d love to hear any similar experiences.
Post # 3
I have been in a similar situation. My husbands best friends now wife for some or other reason has decided she doesn’t like me. Hell she planned a evening out with all the other wives in the group with me sitting right there and excluded me. She decided she didn’t want me at her bridal shower, I was only invited to the wedding because my husband was a groomsmen and I know it. So I get where you are coming from. I lately decided to try be nice again, I now follow the kill them with kindness attitude. We will never be one on one friends (we are just too different), but we are civil and I try to be helpful and nice where I can. If they move to a new place I make a housewarming cake etc, those kinds of things I do for my husbands sake (I am not a particular fan of the best friend either). My husband knows how I feel but I can tell you now that he appreciates the effort I make. I’m not sure the effort makes her like me any more but it sure as well means my hands are clean.
Just be nice and yourself, try ignore the past and see what happens. I have learnt that the girl in my case is incredibly insecure in spite of being gorgeous. Worst case is nothing changes but no-one can accuse you of not trying.
Post # 4
Just be nice and civil and have an open mind. I don’t think you have to go out of your way to try and invite her to events or anything, but if you do see her when you are out, try and make the effort to have a chat with her, rather than avoid her like you might normally (totally understandably).
Who knows, she might actually really be changing and growing up. Either way, it will make your FI and a groomsman happy to see you make the effort and that has to be worth it.
If she is coming to any pre-wedding events, be sure to go out of your way to say hello and thank her for coming, again, if nothing else this will make the important men in your life happy. Especially as, as you say, it doesn’t look like she’s going anywhere any time soon.
Post # 5
@gingerkitten: Don’t try too hard and forget what’s happened in the past, just be yourself.
Post # 6
Sorry, I thought about it and have more to add that really need its own post.
Topics to talk about: Ask her questions about herself, people love to talk about themselves and it makes them more comfortable with you. Plus, you might even find some common ground this way. If nothing else, try asking about what your FI and her BF were like in high school, you may even here some interesting stories.
Also, if it does start to go downhill, just be confident in the knowledge that you were the better and bigger person here, with an open mind and giving someone a second chance. You’ll come out on top either way.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
The way I see it — she has her own insecurities; her telling you why she hates you would probably be: a) over something really embarassingly petty or b) she would feel vulnerable exposing herself or c) she likes to be right and would hate to be corrected on any misunderstandings.
Insecure people tend to hold onto grudges for really, really long time. The irony is that they are swallowing their own poison, expecting others to die of their hatred. It makes her feel justified, most likely. For some, it’s like their own reason to live. *shrug
However, if she continues to be hateful despite you being the bigger and better person (also more rational/logical/tactful), for her to continue disrespecting you would indicate the kind of person she is. Normally, if a person like that pisses me off, I would admit that I’m agitated, but if she has a problem with me, she should discuss it with me personally like a grown adult woman.
Just do really neutral things in public, like watching a movie or have coffee together — nothing that suggests that you want to be best friends with her. I wouldn’t invite a girl like that to bake nor cook with me. Nah-uh. My head would explode with personality conflicts.
Post # 8
@gingerkitten: I’d say, if she hates you for no reason she must be unhappy about something in her own life. Maybe she’s jealous of you being all awesome and special.
I had a boss once who was a total bitch to me for no reason. Twice she humiliated me in front of all my co-workers at an employee breakfast and a luncheon. Once I complained about these kids refusing to listen to me (I drove a school bus) and she told me then maybe I shouldn’t work there! I didn’t even have a response for that, I’d been 4 years at that job. She made me cry at least 4 times in 5 years. I was a good employee. Never called in sick, never took days off. Did my job, filled in for other people not showing up. After about 4 1/2 years she finally realized it. Heh. But she was a miserable person and I really don’t think she realized how nasty and condescending the words coming out of her mouth sounded. But in the end, when she finally decided I deserved some respect she was really a nice person. Her marriage sucked. Her job sucked. She was truly unhappy and she took it out on everyone else.
So try to take the personal sting of her behavior out of it and give her a chance to be a “friend”. Maybe don’t try to bond with her, but try to show her some respect (I know she doesn’t deserve it) and see if you get some back from her. Just so you can tolerate each other. Try to find some common ground.
Post # 9
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
Thanks for your advice! I should clarify- I have always been civil with her, but not “friendly”. When we get together for the inevitable couples dinner, I am usually pretty quiet or converse mostly with the guys. It’s not as if I ignore her if she says something, but I wouldn’t ever ask her questions or initiate with her directly. I guess those are the types of things I am going to have to do, “now that we are going to be a part of each other’s lives forever.” (Her words)
Is it wrong that we are still hoping they break up? (Probably, lol). She has been very heavily hinting at rings for over a year now- the thought of her being a permanent fixture makes me sigh.
I’ll have to do my best at putting my “friendly” face on!
Post # 10
@gingerkitten: If it were me, I think I’d wait for her to make a friendly overture, look confused, and tackle the situation head on. “I’m a little confused. It always seemed like you just didn’t like me for some reason or another, so I’ve kept my distance. It’s nice that it seems like this has changed. :)”
I personally have a really hard time ignoring the elephant in the room in these situations. I like to get everything on the table.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
@ANGELaaimt: good idea! I also don’t want to ignore the elephant, or it tends to come out in awkward ways