Post # 47
Stop what your doing. Either wait or leave but don’t pin him down. I’m not saying you should wait like an idiot. He gave you a timeline so tell him unless he has an amazing reason if he doesn’t keep to it you’ll leave. Pushing him up against the wall is incredibly unfair especially if he actually loves you.
Do I go out clubbing without my fiance? Sure but it’s for my enjoyment and he always knows I’m okay. I would never be okay with him thinking that I might leave him for someone else. There are also things that I do that makes me “wife” material for him but that isn’t why he proprosed when he did. He was ready to propose and I was ready to accept.
PS my fiance knows that if he ever says he wants me to clean more I’ll laugh as I tell him he can do it himself. It’s one thing if I think I should clean more or if we have an arrangement and I’m not doing my half but if he’s just complaining then I don’t care.
Post # 48
If you’re not willing to wait out his timeline, then maybe you should rethink what you are doing with this person.
Personally I wouldn’t wait 2 or 3 years for someone to decide that they loved me enough or got settled enough to marry. FI didn’t make me wait at all – we instantly clicked and ‘just knew’. By the time we got engaged (after 7 months of dating), I could have happily waited a few more months, as I felt safe and secure in the relationship. The person I was with before Fiance made engagement a moving target; it took me moving half-way across the country (for a job, at his encouragement) and 8 months later I realized he was never going to propose no matter how long I waited or how many of his hoops I had to jump through. So I DTMFA and moved on with my life.
The right person won’t make you wait, and will do everything in their power to ensure you feel secure in the relationship.
Post # 49
@Anise: I feel like you’re giving the OP the wrong message. It’s almost as if you’re suggesting that if a woman has to “wait” 2-3 years to get married then the guy doesn’t love her. Am I following correctly?
My guy did everything in his power to make me feel secure in our relationship but proposing was NOT a tool for him to do that. He didn’t have to propose to get me to feel safe or secure. Maybe I’m just misunderstanding what I’m reading?
Post # 50
Games are ridiculous! He’ll do it when he wants to. In the mean time, enjoy the heck out of your life and the time you spend together! Never hurts to have that honest conversation together either.
Post # 51
I would avoid any kind of ultimatum. Those typically get thrown back in people’s faces later on down the road.
Nothing wrong with dressing a little more flirty and spending a little more time away from home to make him miss you though, just avoid playing obvious games!
Also I agree about having an internal timeline that you stick to and move on if he’s not ready to commit.
Post # 52
So he gave you a timeline. That’s usually an indication that they are in an emotional place to commit, but he’s got some things to take care of. You said probably closer to 3 unless he makes more money, which would indicate to me that he’s paying off debt and probably working towards a ring. That’s very responsible of him. I personally believe that you should avoid going into a marriage with debt if at all possible – student loans, house and car are fine, I’m talking about credit cards, high interest loans, or creating debt for a wedding.
Full disclosure – I was with my fiance for 5 years, 3 of which we lived together before we got engaged. How did I get him to propose? I didn’t. We TALKED. Normal, logical discussions of what our reasons were for wanting to get married, timelines, etc. No hysterical crying, ultimatums or any of that. Together, we agreed that this is what we wanted, and when we were both ready, we looked at rings.
Post # 53
@JoJoDahling: That’s interesting. My main priority is that we live a long happy life together, so that’s far more important to me than when he proposes. I might look into that!
Post # 54
@Anise: Woah…I never said he didn’t love me, but how lovely of you to imply that!
I’ve actually already waited longer than 3 years because we met very young and had no money. His timeline was referring to 2 years FROM NOW. Oh, the horror! lol. Yes, I’d like it to be closer to 2 years from now, not 3 years from now, but I don’t need it to happen immediately. Sheesh.
I’m pretty sure you’ll see numerous women on here who were dating for 7, 8, 9, 10+ years before getting engaged. Do their husbands not love them?
Post # 55
@EmilyBelle: +1 to all of your posts.
Post # 56
- Wedding: August 2019 - Italy
@Anise: Things have the ability to change over a course of time. You may have just “clicked and knew” but you were in the honeymoon phase of your relationship.
Come back and share that opinion that a man doesn’t love you enough if he waits in about 8 years 🙂
Post # 57
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Finding other things to do isn’t solely about making him jealous so he’ll propose. It’s also about making sure that you have developed a full life of your own with your own hobbies and friendships outside of your relationship with your boyfriend. You don’t need play games with him. These are friendships and activities you should want to be involved in when you’re engaged and even after you’re married. At the very least it gives you an outlet if he comes home one day and says he doesn’t want to marry you and breaks off the relationship. You would still have a life with friends and activities to fall back on.
The most successful longterm relationships that I know about (25+ years of marriage) are ones where the husband and wife have a regular date night each week but they also have their own interests, friends, and activities on a regular basis. Wives have bunco groups and ladies luncheons. Gentlemen have poker nights and garage/tool time. You can’t truly appreciate the time you spend together unless you spend some time apart on a regular basis.
Post # 58
@pictureaccount: As a former waiting bee, I’d like to chime in.
There’s no tangible thing you can do to hurry up your man’s proposal. I tried doing “things” in order to speed him up. I can say nothing I did with that intention did anything except for make me feel like crap when it didn’t work.
I’m marrying an engineer. He is the kind of person who deliberates forEVER on all decisions, big and small. He wasn’t going to take a step forward where there wasn’t peace. I started focusing my anxious energy on something else and I became a million times more peaceful. Once *I* was at peace, we hit a groove in our relationship!
All my resentment toward him for not proposing yet just dissipated and not much later, it happened!
AS far as you know…do things like make “Engagement Chicken” or go out to the club with girls…I mean this is stuff you can do just to mix it up which might be nice but I wouldn’t use them as tactics to get a proposal as though there’s a recipe for such.
But investing in yourself, finding peace, focusing on your relatonship with your SO- do those things as favors to YOURSELF. Let go and it will happen in its time.
Post # 59
I definitely disagree with those who advise not talking about it any longer. I also disagree with those that say you should consider making engagement chicken/playing housewife in an attempt to make him “see your worth” and put a ring on it. There’s also no need to distance yourself by going out more than usual, etc.
Just keep talking about it. Keep the lines of communication open. When you’re feeling particularly sad/frustrated/impatient, talk about it. Is the timeline he’s given you based on saving for a ring (I think you have a right to know what it is that he’s waiting for/why he doesn’t feel ready to propose yet)? If so, have you two talked about the details of what a ring would cost (not just telling him “oh i would be happy with this carat size”)? There are so many factors in the cost of a ring other than carat, and perhaps he needs you to educate him a bit to help him recognize exactly what price point he’s looking at. What about going and trying on rings together? If you haven’t tried them on your finger, you might not even really know what you want (before trying on rings, I thought I was going to love stones twice the size of what I actually ended up liking on my own hand!). From there, you can get an idea of where he is in reaching that monetary goal, and you can decide if you want to re-evaluate for a cheaper ring or if you’d rather continue to wait.
When I was waiting for my Fiance to propose, he mentioned something about how men should spend 3 months of their salary on an engagement ring. I spit out my water and told him to stop reading whatever old-fashioned ring-shopping how-to he was reading, because a ring at that price point would get me something so completely different from what I actually wanted. Had we not had the lines of communication open, I would have never found out that that’s what he thought he was saving up for! I could have been waiting years longer! That chat gave us the opportunity to talk about what I actually wanted in a ring… then we went ring shopping, and he proposed within a couple of months. I think he was just really intimidated by the process but didn’t know it was okay to ask for help in getting started.
Good luck =)!
Post # 60
think about it. you ‘do’ things to try and get him to propose, you talk about rings, your wedding, or put pressure on him in any way to propose. then he proposes. YAY. but you just pressured him into it. was it because he loves you so much he just couldn’t wait to wife you up? or was it because you pressured him and he proposed out of fear of losing you, or fear of disappointing you? you want it to be on HIS terms. not yours. as someone who semi-pressured their current Fiance into proposing, don’t play these games. we’re very happy now, but looking back i wish i had had the strength, independence and peaceful-mindedness not to bring it up every month. it would have been wonderful for it to be a complete surprise and not something i had basically planned out in my head, that he did when he was ready and passionate about taking this step in his life with me.
I second what @beachbride1216: said. you SHOULD go out and do other things on your own, by all means! but not to put your man off or make him think he’s going to lose you, that’s beyond ridiculous. do things on your own to be an independent and whole woman that doesn’t hang her whole life on her SO. read. plan a vacation. go to school. further your career. go out with your friends. do pottery. learn how to rock climb. something that will fulfill you as a woman. a woman that is only half a woman without her man is no man’s dream partner.
good luck girlfriend!
Post # 61
@Anise: I totally agree!!! I wouldn’t wait around for a guy who wasn’t on the same page as me. A huge part of the reason I wanted to marry H was because he also wanted to marry me. When we knew that’s how we felt about each other, we got engaged and got married. Boom. I don’t have the patience to wait around for someone to figure out how they feel about me. If I know I want to marry you? You better know it too, or I’m out.