Post # 1
My husband works in an industry that I’d estimate is comprised of 99% male employees. This job requires him to travel long distance for months at a time. It was hard for me when we first started dating, but we’ve discussed it extensively and decided together that it is best for him to continue in this career, no matter how much we’d obviously both love for him to be home year round.
In his particular position he is always assigned a partner. This person is required to work closely beside him and is constantly rotating, as is my husband’s position, so he is always working with a new crew and employees come and go on kind of irregular schedules. Long story short, my husband has been at work for one month with two left to go and he just got a new partner. A woman partner. For the first time in the four years we’ve been together. And I am just a wreck about it.
The first thing you need to understand is, my husband is an ANGEL. I trust him. He could never, would never, and I have no doubt about it. But that is exactly what worries me. He’s so amazing..how could another woman spend 8+ hours every day with him, for two months straight, working in an enclosed space, and not fall for him? I found out today that she’s married, so that’s goodish news..but I also hear she’s short, so my evil brain hears ‘petite’. Clearly they’ll have a bit in common since they’re in the same line of work. I’m not even worried about her crossing any line. What worries me is just the automatic intimacy they will share simply from spending that length of time together in their unique work environment. I should be glad that he’s been paired with someone who sounds easy to work with, because in his job he could have just as easily gotten a terrible partner, someone lazy and/or grumpy, or worse, creepy. And I know how much worse his work becomes with a bad partner. But this girl sounds great. He didn’t say it but of course I just know she’s cute. They get along and fuck fuck fuck I hate it. I can’t stand the thought of him bonding with another woman. But it’s no one’s fault, I can’t really be mad at anyone. And nothing is changing about this situation. But my heart has been in stitches these past few days and I just want to move on. I don’t want to feel this way.
I’ve never had this problem before, in all my 30 years of life. Never had jealous fits within any other relationships. I’d describe our marriage as being very healthy. We communicate effectively and I’ve already said all of this and more to him because I literally cannot contain my emotions. He feels terrible. He wishes he had a solution, but all we can really do is talk it out. He’s assured me that I have nothing to worry about and nothing is actually happening, my imagination is just playing tricks on me. I do agree that’s what’s happening, but how do I turn it off? I don’t know when I became so possessive and I don’t think it’s an attractive quality. I want to be free from this feeling. Please help me.
Post # 2
It’s your lack of self-love talking, in my opinion. If YOU 150% believe in your worth and the value you bring to the relationship, this might not be an issue. If he is of moral character, he will ensure not to engage with her on a level that would invite anything beyond a platonic relationship.
You cannot control what happens. You only have agency over YOUR feelings and conduct. It’s useless to worry about – if he’s going to cheat, he will- regardless of what worrying you do or don’t do. So let it go and believe in the moral fiber of the man you married.
Post # 3
Thank you for the straight talk. I need this 🙏🏻
Post # 4
Let’s start with this: He’s so amazing..how could another woman spend 8+ hours every day with him, for two months straight, working in an enclosed space, and not fall for him?
How could she not fall in love with him? Really easily, actually. Believe it or not but most adults are quite capable of developing positive feelings for someone that are entirely platonic based on the role that someone plays in their life.
Like, my two best friends are dudes and they’re both good looking, smart, wonderful men who I think are just the bees friggin knees. But we’ve just never been anything but platonic. I have several coworkers who are good looking, smart, wonderful men that I have yet to fall in love with.
I honestly think it’s pretty insulting and misogynistic to imply that women are incapable of being around decent men without falling all over ourselves. That is utterly ridiculous.
I’ve never had this problem before, in all my 30 years of life.
…yeahhhhh I’m not buying that. There is no way that you are suddenly having THIS irrational of jealous feelings completely out of no where. Either this hasn’t been an issue simply because you’ve somehow managed to make it through your adult life this far without your partner ever working closely or being friends with another woman, or you’ve downplayed your jealousy in the past but it’s simply harder to ignore this time since you have no control over the amount of time he spends with this woman or how much they’re alone.
I think the biggest thing you need to do is remind yourself over and over again until you believe it (because you clearly don’t), that women are just people. This woman is just a person. The fact that she has a vagina is pretty fucking irrelevant.
Post # 5
I hope that’s not a rude answer. Your feelings seem well intentioned, but completely irrational. Human beings have to interact with each other in the real world, regardless of sex. I agree with PP that you did have underlying jealousy all along, it just didn’t flare up until recently because your husband mostly works with men. You’ve never even met this woman and you’re assuming she’s cute and is going to fall for your husband. This isn’t healthy thinking.
Post # 6
For me, when I am insecure I am jealous. When I am not, I don’t ever find myself jealous.
I think taking an honest look at all this with a professional might help! Could be something you don’t even realize is there ….😊
Post # 7
First of all, sending you a big hug. The situation is difficult and you know your feelings are irrational.
I agree that I feel jealous when I’m feeling insecure about something. Have I been eating more, have I not been pulling my weight, have I been skipping the gym, or not bothering with my hair? When I’m happy with myself I feel happier and don’t have the jealous feelings.
Perhaps take a look and see what has changed for you?
Post # 8
See if you can arrange to meet her. You’ve built her up to be this petite Venus that no one could resist.
I suspect if you met her you’d see that she isn’t a threat and isn’t the person you’ve created in your head.
Post # 9
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
Ok, so my position is similar to the colleague in this situation. I work in a male dominated industry, I’m the only woman on my team, and is not unusual for me to get assigned to work closely with particular colleagues for a length of time, sometimes while stating away from home.
I can tell you that it’s absolutely possible to be around wonderful people for extended lengths of time without falling in love with them. The guys on my team are brilliant, I really enjoy their company, love being around them, they’re funny and smart and kind, but I absolutely don’t want to hook up with any of them.
This woman is married, she has a husband who she loves. She isn’t a threat just because she’d assigned to work with your husband. She’d probably be pretty upset to know you think that, I know I would be. She’s a woman who has managed to make a career in a male dominated field, that’s hard to do and we should support that!
I’m not sure how to change your feelings, other than looking at why you’re feeling insecure all of a sudden, I’m just trying to give some perspective from her point of view.
Post # 10
The antidote to this is two-fold:
1. Reality check. I agree, see if you can meet her, so that the picture of her you have in your mind is actually commensurate with reality. You will most likely meet her and see that she is not your husband’s type at all. The unknown is allowing your imagination to have free rein to torture you.
2. Security in yourself and your relationship. Do you know your intrinsic value? Do you know what makes you unique that no one else has? Do you know your worth to your husband and what you bring to the relationship that he is just so drawn to and cannot do without? Start discovering these things and make a list (either on paper or in your mind), so that you can tell yourself he would be a fool to jeopardise what he has with you.
My final tip is – by focusing on this and giving it a lot of energy, you are giving it more power. Treat it like the nothing that it is, and that will be over soon. Tell yourself that you will disregard the possibility that anything untoward is going on until there is actually proof of it (your fears do not constitute proof).