Post # 1
My guy has told his parents about him wanting to marry me. They support the marriage and I’m meeting them in a few days. The mom is excited to meet me (she has no daughters and she and my guy think that the 2 of us are alike and will hit it off as good friends). She’s telling him that she’s excited to take me shopping (for wedding or engagement clothes) and to have us look at family jewelry to see what I might like. Im black and christian (the parents know) and I am very open to Muslim and desi culture for or wedding and future kids, etc. My guy is going to propose in the next 6 weeks or so and we’ll get married sometime January to April
I was thinking of taking his parents nice chocolates as a gift when I meet them. I plan on wearing a modest, cute dress that covers me elbow to just past knees (and tights) when I meet them and on some other days wearing knee length skirts w tights and modest tops that cover past elbow. I’ll take my shoes off if they do and am comfortable eating w my hand if they do. I won’t call them by their names and won’t touch my guy or anything physical at all. When I shop w his mom, I’ll wear briefs instead of a thong (don’t want to scandalize her or others if someone needs to help me try clothes on). I’ll probably send a thank you card after our trip and give his mom an orchid maybe on our next trip when they throw us an engagement party. Any other thoughts on this? Some things I’m wondering:
– should I offer to pay when his mom takes me shopping or is that rude?
– should I avoid wearing jeans (or knee-length jean skirt w tights) during these first few times of meeting them?
Post # 2
Maybe ask your boyfriend for ideas! Because he should know his mom more than anyone else does! Modest outfits is a concern in many Muslim famillies, so it’s a good idea to show as little skin as possible. When she takes you on shopping, you can offer to get her something instead of paying for what she’s buying you.
Also, it’s not a good idea to pretend to be a completely different person just to impress someone! So just be your natural self and show respet. From what you’ve described, seems like she already likes you! So that’s a very good beginning so far. Good luck!
Post # 3
Hey! I’m actually Pakistani and Muslim, so I might be of help here. Chocolates are a definitely a good idea! And your dress sounds cute.
You can totally wear tights and jeans, don’t worry about that. And you don’t have to cover past your elbows! Just shoulders will be fine. Honestly, the modesty thing is very exaggerated. No one is going to freak out if you show your arms or your knees.
And offering to pay, if you want to, is fine! Not rude at all
I don’t see any reason why you can’t call them by their names or touch him. Obviously calling them Mrs. and Mr. Whatever wouldn’t be a problem, but if they introduce themself with their first name, you can use it. As for affection, just normal etiquette! Hold his hand, kiss his cheek. As long as you’re not dry humping or climbing into his lap, no issue.
Of course, this is all from my own experiences and upbringing. Your boyfriend’s family might be different than mine. Honestly, I think you should just ask him. He knows them best, after all.
Post # 4
I realize that I didn’t mention that I’ve asked my guy about this stuff. He’s given good input on some things, but your tips have been helpful (I don’t want to bug him too much abt it & wanted to start getting my own sense of what would be best).
floralcake : good idea on offering to get her something. And no worries- no way I’d ever pretend to be a different person. I’m wearing things I already have and doing things I’ve done before. Just want to show respect and get off on the right foot.
teddybears : thanks for your thoughts- your experiences are probably spot on. I tried on some of the outfits and realized that they’re fine as is (including w some covering shoulders, not elbows). I just had to remember what I have and try it out. For names- I just meant that I wouldn’t call them by their first names. For physical stuff- I’ll probably follow his lead. It’s probably more about him than his parents. I’m not huge on PDA anyway and I can understand if he’d feel awkward going from never introducing them to a woman or even saying he dated anybody to kissing and holding hands in front of them in a couple of days.
Post # 5
I think you’ve got it all down! Only thing I’d add is maybe flowers too because I mean you are planning to be their future daughter in law and they know this too so maybe give a little beyond what you’d give other people whose house you were going to for the first time.
As for the paying thing, I highly doubt she will let you but definitely do insist and then I’m sure you’ll have to give up eventually. That’s how it works in Indian and Pakistani culture. Both sides argue about it and one eventually gives up lol. Going out to dinner is always entertaining with other families and poor waiters get caught up in our little arguments haha.
Post # 6
Oh and yah jeans and Tshirts are fine. I’d avoid leggings if you’re gonna wear a short top (should cover your bum if you’re gonna wear leggings). And avoid deep necklines that reveal cleavage.
Post # 7
You sound like you’ve got everything! Plus the fact that she is actually excited to meet you will be immensely helpful.
You seem like a very respectful person. As long as you show that (especially to any elders), they will be quite happy. For me, at least offering to pay shows a great deal of respect, as well as the gift.
I don’t think you need to fret too much about asking your boyfriend too many questions about this. I STILL ask my husband when we go visit family friends or extended family what would be acceptable. (They have so many relatives, I forget who is more religious and picky. Lol.) But the rule is if you’re not sure, pick the safer option. If you’re not sure about the knee length skirt after the first meeting/can’t gauge if that’d be okay, then avoiding it would be best.
Good luck with the meeting! I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself. (:
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center
I think you’re golden! You really have this down pat. As far as your questions:
- Yes, do offer to pay even though they probably won’t let you. It’s just polite. But don’t make a big show of it and don’t insist too many times if she keeps saying no.
- Jeans is fine.
- I wouldn’t touch his arm or kiss his cheeks in front of this parents for the first time seeing them anyway. Guage how they are first.
- Chocolate or flowers is fine 🙂 Just don’t go empty handed lol. If you REALLY want to impress them (or weird them out), go to a desi store and buy mittai (Indian sweets) or baklava haha.
Good luck! I just met my boyfriend’s family (Hindu, South Indian) for Diwali and they are actually sweeter than I imagined, just different that’s all. I would advise having some FAQ questions/answers prepared, like “what kind wedding do you want?”. My boyfriend’s mom asked me that the first time I visited them and I was so taken aback because we’re not even engaged and ended up giving a jumbled answer.
Post # 9
You are clearly a very thoughtful person and they will be lucky to have you as a daughter in law. You’ll knock it out of the park!
Post # 10
Please advise me as well. I am meeting up my Indian muslim boyfriend’s family but unfortunately not get their blessing to meet because of their culture and society but still we will push this meet up. Please help 🙁
Post # 11
faRAH_akhule : hey there, sorry that you’re worried. Why do you think that they won’t give their blessing? How old are you and your boyfriend? Where are you and him in terms of education and finances and living situation? Also- does he plan on proposing to you and do you all have plans to get married soon? Do you have a religious background? My FI’s parents probably would rather I was Muslim, but being Christian with openness and cloes Muslim friends and relatives means a lot to them.
I ask because a lot of those things can change his parents’ opinions. My guy and I are grown, finished with education, in good jobs, and he knew he wanted to marry me (and that I wanted to marry him and respected his family and religion/culture and agreed to raise any kids Muslim) before he ever mentioned me to his parents. He had already told me how important it was for his parents for us to have a big wedding and to include some Indian and religious components in it (and not to serve alcohol) and we had agreed on that.
Because we are both so set (and older), they are just thrilled that he’s getting married, proud of my resume, and happy that they’ll get so much of what they want in our wedding (even his sibling who married another Indian Muslim didn’t let the parents do half as much religious/cultural components for the wedding as my Fiance and I are happy to have them do). My FI’s parents didn’t understand “dating” or spending some long time (in their opinion doing who knows what) before getting married. So, we were all happily discussing wedding plans and going shopping for the wedding events on my first time meeting them.
How your bf talks about things can also change a lot. If he’s not sure about you or has some unresolved issues with you, that’ll show in his conversation with his parents and be reflected in their opinion of you.