(Closed) Tips on dealing with hurt/anger/disappointment, etc – how do you cope/move on?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
45642 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It is possible to heal completely from deep hurts. It takes time and it is sometimes as you decribed- one step forward, two steps back.

You have to give yourself permission to have strong feelings and allow yourself to process them over time.

There are regular posts on WeddingBee “Is it wrong to feel…” ? It is never wrong to have feelings, no matter what they are. That’s how we integrate and deal with events in our lives.

They key is making a conscious choice at some time to move on.

Post # 4
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@oracle:  I think modifying one’s expectations helps. A lot of the time we get severely disappointed and hurt because we put people on a pedestal, whether it’s a parent, a sibling, a friend, or a significant other. The fact is that we’re all human. Also, life is too short to be hung up on such negative things… there was a time when I used to have a hard time letting go of certain things that hurt me. The fact is that the person or people can apologize and make up for it as much as they can, but it really is up to us to forgive, heal, and move on from the hurt. 

Post # 5
Member
4314 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@littlegreenleaf:  This.  Great advice, I try to live that way myself.  Also I just try to think about the bigger picture in my life itself.  Like, is it really worth my time & effort to mull over something?  Is it worth the fight & the battle at the end of the day when I only have this one life?  Usually the answer is no (for me).

Post # 6
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@oracle:   I do think healing is a process that often involves taking two steps forward and one step back.  Keep in mind when you desire to forgive someone it is for yourself.  And forgiving them does not mean, at all, that what they did to you wasn’t wrong.  It means that you’re no longer going to give the hurt any more energy.

What I do when old hurts crop back up, as they tend to do sometimes, is start the thought-spiral heading back upward by being thankful for the blessings in my life.

Try giving yourself a break from the negative thoughts.  Sometimes worrying and ruminating can become a bad habit.  Train your brain to jump to another topic when a hurtful one crops up.  If you feel you’ve done all you can do in the situation and it’s really in the past, then there is no point in wasting more emotional energy on it.  Just breathe, be in the moment, look around you, say a prayer of thanks or even do something physical like take a walk or work in the garden.

There is a physical component to memories as well as an emotional/psychological component.  Sometimes a ritual to “release” will help.  Write down on a sheet of paper the past hurt.  Then fold it up and light a match to it (for example).  And resolve that it is over and done with.

You’ll find what works best for you.  Any method is fine if it helps.

On the other hand, sometimes issues have not been resolved and nag at you.  If that’s the case, talking to a trusted friend or counselor can help give you a new perspective that can facilitate healing.

Blessings.

Post # 7
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

For me, I can never forget what happened, but I can choose to let go of the anger and negative energy surrounding something/someone. Many years ago I read an article about a woman who had forgiven her child’s killer. She said something which really struck me. She said that she didn’t forgive the killer because the killer deserved forgiveness. Rather, she forgave him because she deserved to be released from all of that negativity. The negativity wasn’t hurting the killer, it was hurting her. The negativity and anger were holding her back from happiness and a fulfilling life.

That article was a gut check for me, and really helped me change my outlook on things in my past. My anger, disappointment, loathing, and ill will were not hurting the ones who had hurt me. They were living their lives and really didn’t give a sh*t about how I felt. It was time for me to take control of my own emotions and give myself permission to feel happy instead.

Whatever it is that is bothering you, I wish you the strength to get through and let go.

Post # 9
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@oracle:  I understand that feeling completely and struggle with the same thing!  So, I’m not sure exactly how to answer that.  Sometimes (for me, at least) it’s best to keep your distance from people who bring toxicity into your life.  What I do now is avoidance.  I don’t know if that’s the best thing but I have tried reaching out only to be shut down.  So, now I don’t reach out any more.  And when those people crop up in my life I am not very responsive these days. 

But I’m so happy with my life and how things are going from day to day that I don’t want to be drawn back into a negative, stressful person’s drama.  I can’t stand it.  I like to stay in a peaceful, blissful place in my mind and heart as much as possible.  And not every person we know in life is conducive with that.  If you think of something besides avoidance, please let me know and I’ll give it a try, lol.  Sometimes avoiding leads to me feeling a little guilty (family members of mine I’m talking about here). 

Know you’re not alone, we all go through similar things.

Edit:  Question for you:  Is avoiding or ignoring them a possibility for you?  To avoid any further drama?

Post # 10
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Are these people the kind of people that you want to keep in your life? Was this a one time thing or part of an ongoing pattern of behavior that has escalated to the point where you are this upset? Without a bit more information, it’s really hard to say.

For me, if someone has gotten me to that level of upsetness that I am struggling to forgive them, then it’s either an extreme single situation where we reach a point of no return, or a pattern that demonstrates that the person is toxic in my life. Either way, I have no qualms with eliminating those individuals who seek only to bring me down and cause harm to me, and I am fortunate that Mr. LK shares my approach. Life is too short to waste time on people who seek to destroy us for their own purposes. 

If it’s something more minor, time is my best friend. I need time and space to process through my emotions, and then I can re-engage with the person. I know that there are some people who will never admit that they are in the wrong. It’s just not in their DNA. So I can either be right and righteous and continue the ill will, or I can say eff it and fake a positive relationship until I actually feel that way again just to maintain essential harmony. Generally a “fake it till you make it” approach works for me. If I just smile and laugh long enough, even if I don’t 100% feel like smiling and laughing at that instant, eventually those positive feelings will return.

Post # 12
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

oracle  You said “The thing I think I’m struggling with the most is what does forgiveness look like?”

In my opinion Forgiveness, like Love is NOT an emotion.  It is a behavior, or rather a series of actions toward an individual and those behaviors are non-dependent on the other person.  Although how you “feel” may be altered by how someone else behaves…. you can love someone (on any level) regardless of how they treat you.

How you FEEL is, to some degree, involuntary and it’s ALWAYS valid… no matter what you feel.  How you BEHAVE….. well, that’s on you.

I have had 2 or 3 serious major issues in my life to overcome and I ALWAYS start with forgiveness.  Because it is concrete.  It is how I treat them…. even though I am angry and hurt…. I can still be civil.  I can take ownership of and correct/right anything I am doing in the relationship that is not helpful (ie – vindictive behavior or passive-agressive behavior or excessive emotion or sometimes even staying in the relationship).

This is where you get to to take back control.  And, honestly, a lot of this depends on your relationship with them and your intent to stay or leave the relationship….. Am I bad-mouthing them?  Am I trying to sabotage their successes?  Am I allowing them to continue to hurt others by my silence?  Am I creating a scene when we are together?  Am I “withholding” positive behaviors? In my “defense” of myself or my position am I ADDING emotion etc etc etc.

Forgiveness is NOT “acting like nothing ever happened”.  It doesn’t matter if they THINK they did anything wrong.  It just seems like it does because you feel like their admittance is necessary to validate your emotions.  First this is not true (see above – how you feel is how you feel).  However, this tells me that your OVERALL relationship with this person is unhealthy (or you are hyper-emotional…. but let’s assume these other people are the irrational ones!).  Knowing you are dealing with an unhealthy situation should give you some additional information / perspective to use in order to take control of your relationship with them and get it on the right track to being healthy.

Greiving and acceptance take time.  And I agree most of this is about re-framing your expectations of that person or the situation.  It really is “fake it till you make it”.  Especially if you are obsessive in any way… ie – if you are trying to get over an affair…. shred or delete any evidence so that you aren’t re-reading emails, constantly looking at pictures etc.  Write down ONE positive thing today.  Tomorrow write down 2 etc.  Schedule and make yourself devote time to things that bring you joy…. doesn’t matter what they are.  And yes, you have time.  because you will distract your mind from negative energy and that is important.

My therapist one time told me this….. You will know you have forgiven someone when you chose to give up the right to hurt someone because they hurt you.  She also said “forgiveness is choosing to give up the hope that things should have been different”.

The only other pearl of wisdom from her that I will share is this….. “There is a direct correlation between how much you are hurting and how badly you behave”.  So, even if that person (or those people) don’t THINK they did you wrong….. if they didn’t behave “right” then it means they are in pain.  Know that they are in pain, even if they can’t admit it.

Good Luck.

Post # 14
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@oracle:  Wow, that is a tough one.  I don’t know if allowing that would be the best for you quite yet.  In my case a person (significant family member) blurted out one day out of the blue that he was sorry if he had ever done anything to “not be the best ____ (relative) to me, blah blah.”  I was so not in the mood to listen to it at the time.  I honestly felt it was too little, too late.  So I just brushed it off and said something positive.  Luckily it was a phone call and I got off the phone quickly.  I don’t want to dwell in the past or think about old problems just to appease someone else’s conscience. 

In your case it sounds like this person wants a face-to-face confrontation.  My advice would be to not let yourself get into a no-win situation if you can help it.  Depending on how much it would upset you, make the choice to either turn down the “offer” (to get blasted, haha) or listen calmly as possible without engaging in their drama.  If you know this person well enough to already see the most likely outcome, you may be better off making an excuse to opt out of the meeting.

Post # 16
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@3xaCharm:  She also said “forgiveness is choosing to give up the hope that things should have been different”.

I don’t mean to threadjack but I just found out about a breach of trust on thursday and I have been agonzing over whether I should stay and try to forgive or leave.  I just wanted to say thank you so much for writing these words because they just knoced the breath out of me.  This is exactly what I am struggling with…wishing it was so so different but knowing it can’t be.  In time I think I can forgive and let go of the hurt caused but the relationship is forever changed and even forgiveness can’t fix that. 🙁

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