Post # 1
My wonderful and amazing guy and I have been together for 5 years in two weeks. We’ve been discussing marriage for about two years and just a few months ago he told me that he wanted to marry me on August 31, 2013 (831 is our “I love you”). Well, we agreed that we’d have our wedding on that date and have even begun the planning process.
Before the holidays he kept mentioning my Christmas gift and saying that this was the best gift he’d ever gotten me and couldn’t wait for me to open it. Knowing how out of tune with romance my guy can sometimes be, I tried my very hardest not to get my hopes up about getting an engagement ring for Christmas. Come Christmas Eve I couldn’t help but feel the crushing pain of an over sized load of disappointment when in my hands I held a Zales gift box and in it lay a diamond necklace and a pair of diamond earrings just waiting to be worn by me. I smiled and thanked my bf for the beautiful gift. It really was beatiful, I really did appreciate it and was glad that he tried so hard to get me something I’d love……but my romance enticed heart had allowed itself to hope, without my consent, that he’d propose to me.
A few of my friends were engaged over the holidays and one was married. I am happy and excited for each of them but I also feel like maybe I have done something…wrong. Clearly, the men who proposed to my friends realized this is who they want to be with, saved up, bought a ring, and proposed. I feel like I just didn’t have that effect on my boyfriend. If I had, then he would’ve saved up since the moment he knew he wanted to marry me…which was over three years ago according to him. He says he’s sure he wants to marry me this summer but I can’t help but wonder when he’ll make it official?! It really doesn’t help that I keep getting questioned about my bare ring finger. I can’t deal with it. What am I supposed to say to people who (I’m sure with good intentions) ask what he’s waiting for? Family, friends, coworkers…all asking why he hasn’t proposed yet. “I DON’T KNOW!! ASK HIM AND LET ME KNOW!!” that’s what I really want to respond but in the end it won’t make me feel any better…and it’s none of their fault.
Our anniversary is right around the corner and I’m starting to feel that if it comes and goes as previous anniversaries, Valentine’s Day’s, and Christmas’ have without a proposal, then I will need to have some time to myself to get my thoughts in order. When we first discussed marriage he had asked me if I, like most girls, had a fantasy of how I’d like to be proposed to. I told him I’d always wanted to be proposed to on a bride. Just last week he asked if I wanted to check out Lovers Leap State Park on our anniversary. There is a really old, red, iron bridge there and it’s a real beauty. Maybe he’s got something up his sleeve to fulfill that dream proposal of mine. *sigh* There I go….hoping again..
Post # 3
@MissChaiB: I think that if he doesn’t propose on your anniversary, you need to tell him how you feel.
You’ve been together 5 years, he knows you want to get engaged… it’s time. I would never stick around for 5 years hoping for a proposal.
I don’t think it should all be left up to the man. If he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you by now, then how will he ever know?
I think you need to have a calm, rational discussion and tell him something like “Look, you know I love you… but it’s been 5 years and I think it’s time we made the next step in our relationship. I hate to think of my life without you, but I want a commitment. You know what I want out of life, and I am not getting any younger… can we please set a timeline for when you will propose so that I am not crushed every holiday when a proposal doesn’t happen?” (or something to that effect).
Post # 4
@canarydiamond: Thank you for your insight. My mother and sister’s opinion matter to me so much but let’s be real…they’re entirely biased so it’s great to hear from other Bees. I agree with you and I appreciate your feedback!
Post # 5
If you’ve set a date and are planning the wedding, aren’t you . . . engaged?
Post # 6
@MissChaiB: No problem. You can’t wait forever. It sounds to me like he just needs a bit of a kick in the butt.. maybe not an actual “I will leave X date if you don’t propose”, but a discussion needs to be had for sure.
Post # 7
You definitely neef to have the talk with him. Men don’t think the way we do sometimes you just have to lay it out for them. Nicely of course 🙂
Post # 8
@oneofthesethings: I don’t believe so. He doesn’t want to announce it or start the registry “until we’re engaged”….it’s tricky I guess
Post # 9
Just talk about it and be open. If you’re planning a wedding, you are technically engaged but I 100% get where you are coming from because I am in a similar situation.
My SO and I are already planning and are going to set a date and book a venue this summer. However, we are waiting to “announce” our engagement until I am able to fly out to his home country and meet his parents this coming winter. Then we’re going to do the ring and all that jazz and just have a miraculously short engagement (around 6 months) I don’t mind because I want to meet his parents before we’re publicly engaged, and he wants to tell them in person that he is planning on doing it. A formality yes, but I think it is nice.
The only way this is working though is being completely open through the process. No teasing, no beating around the bush. I 100% trust him to follow through with our plan. Also, we’ve been completely frank with my parents about our plans as well (they have met him many times and are very excited.)
How far into planning are you? Are you just talking about it or are you moving on to the booking stages?
I’d say wait it out till the Anniversary, and then if it doesn’t happen then just sit him down and have a calm talk about how it is making you feel planning a wedding without knowing if or when a proposal is coming. He might not even realize.
Post # 10
I didn’t vote because none of the options really fit what I would do in your position.
First off, do you think that HE thinks that your discussion a few months ago WAS a proposal? Does he know without a doubt how important a ring and a real full-fledged proposal are to you? If not, I’d say you need to have that conversation first. Men can be pretty dense about things like that, sometimes you have to be super blunt and hit them over the head with it. It’s possible that he just doesn’t realize that you’re still waiting for an official proposal.
If that’s not the issue, I think I’d discuss my disappointment with him. I would first ask him what the hold up is and try to figure out if there is something holding him back (finances, etc). Barring a logical explanation for the delay, I would try to get a timeline out of him. I would discuss where you both see yourselves and your relationship a year or more from now. If I felt that he wasn’t sincere or was just trying to appease me or was being noncomittal, or if his response to the discussion wasn’t what I was hoping for, I would probably walk away as hard as that would be to do. After 5 years, I would think that you would know one way or the other if this is the person you want to be with. When you want something bad enough you do anything you have to do to make it happen.
If he told me that the ring/proposal is coming soon, I would say ok and try to patiently wait until then. Then I would give myself a time limit, say 6 months. Not an ultimatum, as I wouldn’t tell him or put further pressure on him. But if August 31 comes and goes without exchanging vows, then that would be it for me. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who makes empty promises.
I wish you all the best and I truly hope this works out for you. Good luck and keep us updated 🙂
Post # 11
@CaroBee: We’ve got the guest list pretty much set. We’ve decided on a venue and have chosen our honeymoon location. All of this seems promising enough, but in my opinion is not enough to make me feel that he is committed to our plans.
@LilySarah: You’re so right. I think maybe I need to have that talk with him and tell him that I’d really love an official ring on finger proposal. I thought that because he’s mentioned he wants to wait to be officially engaged to move on with things, such as the registry, that he was aware that although we both want to marry one another we are still not considered as “engaged.”
Thanks for the feedback bees. I really appreciate it..
Post # 12
I just wanted to say hang in there! I think the plans for your anniversary sound really promising and have my fingers crossed for you! If it doesn’t happen then, then a talk is def in order. I’ve got a special date coming up too -let’s hang in there together and keep everything crossed!!!
Lots of luck coming your way xx
Post # 13
@MissChaiB: *hug* I feel for you, I really do. But if your SO wants to get married this summer, he NEEDS to make this happen and SOON!! Holidays are awful for waiting bees and I would be really disappointed with anything in a jewelry box that wasn’t a ring (which is harsh but honest).
A few of my friends were engaged over the holidays and one was married. I am happy and excited for each of them but I also feel like maybe I have done something…wrong. Clearly, the men who proposed to my friends realized this is who they want to be with, saved up, bought a ring, and proposed. I feel like I just didn’t have that effect on my boyfriend. If I had, then he would’ve saved up since the moment he knew he wanted to marry me…which was over three years ago according to him.
This struck a chord with me- I have totally felt like this and while it is logical, love isn’t logical and I think it is really harmful to compare your relationship to others. I will admit that I have the same thoughts and do the same thing sometimes (I actually thought the same thing last night when a friend of mine got engaged after 5 MONTHS!), and it is hard not to make the comparisons, but that in the end it is just hurtful for you. I see no positive outcome coming from it. So if you try not to do it, I’ll try too!
Lovers Leap for your anniversary sounds promising to me, it really does! I know it is hard, but maybe keep venting to the bees for these last two weeks and see what happens. I really hope he comes through for you and gives you a beautiful proposal!! (If not, then a talk is in order)
Post # 14
@Pinkrefresher: Thank you for the support. I’m hanging in there and am sending best wishes to you on your upcoming special date. Let’s pray for the best!!
@HeartsandSparkles: OK, I’ll try my hardest not to compare my relationship to others’…as tempting as it may be at times. I’m really hoping to have better news after our anniversary.
*venting to the bees is so good for me. Thank you all <3
Post # 15
I think the plan for your anniversary sounds promising too! I feel your pain, I was with my guy for 8.5 years before he popped the question. I would get the same questions you got about why he hadn’t done it yet and watched my friends meet, date, and marry guys in less time than we had been together. Waiting is tough, but I always say stick it out if you really love him and know you want to be with him! I think if nothing happens on your anniversary have a calm talk with him about what you want out of the relationship and then leave it at that. Good luck!! 🙂
Post # 16
Well, bees, it finally happened. Yesterday as we celebrated our fifth year anniversary, HE PROPOSED!! Thank you all for your support and words of encouragement as I vented my way through my waiting stage! New board with pics to follow!!!