- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I’ve had anxiety my entire life and am usually pretty shy. The anxiety level waxes and wanes depending on the day, situation, pms, life in general. sigh.
And I do have days where I’m like “I’m Lady Gaga bitch and I’m not afraid of anything and I can do everything and I’m not going to let anyone stop me from conquering the world.”
But most times I am pretty meek and I second guess myself and worry about EVERYTHING.
I do see a therapist and I am on anxiety meds, which definitely help matters, but there are still some days/situations where I just can’t STAND what a chicken shit I am!
I’m afraid of the dentist, the dark, sharks, flying in an airplane, mazes, dying early, a close friend/family member dying, sleeping in the house alone, medical procedures, driving on the highway, oh it goes on and on.
My fiance and I were talking today about me possibly getting a non-hormonal IUD inserted for birth control. I was all about the idea but the more I think about it, the more nervous I get. Like. I’m petrified. And he offered to go with me which was nice but I was just trying to convey to him how scared I was and he said, “Well, I know, because you’re a chicken and pretty much afraid of anything new.” He said it with a chuckle and I know he was trying to be funny and gentle but … it really upset me and made me realize that most people see me as this weak, scared little girl and I DON’T want to be that way!!
Like I’ve been wanting a tattoo for YEARS … but my fear is so great that I just can’t bring myself to do it. And every time I back out I get so pissed off at myself.
The thing is, I do things now that I used to be afraid of years ago … like going to a party/social gathering where I don’t know a lot of people, confronting rude customers at work, standing up for myself, stuff like that. And I’m not afraid of a lot of things most women are afraid of … like bugs, spiders, snakes, mice, getting dirty, rough housing, driving in the snow. Weird I know.
Maybe I’m just a weirdo. Maybe I’m just destined to be a chicken shit for the rest of my life. Maybe my “accomplishments” with my anxiety are just delusions. Should I change? Or just accept that this is who I am even though it upsets me sometimes? Ugh I have no idea.
Sometimes I swear I could be the next president of the US. Other times I’m afraid to leave my house.
WTF is wrong with me?