Tired of Being Judged For Living Together Before Marriage- A Vent

posted 1 month ago in Engagement
Post # 16
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I suggest that you change churches. Their beliefs are not the same as your own. They sound like nosy busy-bodies who are focused on the wrong things. They are way too up in your business. 

Post # 17
5778 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It sounds like you are in a cult not a church. 

Post # 18
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Christians can be the absolute BIGGEST hypocrites. I have a Christian family & grew up in the church so I can say. 

I left as soon as I could see through all the BS and control. 

I used to get told off by the youth pastors for wear a mini skirt – my skirt wasnt even short. Mother’s thought I wasn’t a good friend for their daughters due to what I wore. Yet their daughters were sneaking out of their bedrooms at night and sleeping with guys in cars. I did nothing wrong. 

The church would control everyone, force couples who were sleeping together into marriage and also they gave advice on everyone in the churches life. So dangerous and controlling. 

So thankful to get out of it. Im one of six kids & 3 of my siblings basically got marriaged a year after knowing their husband or wife. So rushed and just so they could sleep together. It isn’t right. 

Just ignore them or leave. They’re already too involved.

Post # 20
1031 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If you are a member of a congregation with a set of norms, you can either live according to those norms, break the norms and deal with the social consequences or find a new congregation. Since you don’t plan to do the first and don’t want to do the second, finding a new church is your only option.  

The church didn’t change. The norms within the congregation weren’t updated unfairly. Clearly, you guys are in a church that operates more like an intimate family (you know way too much about other people’s sex lives/ living situations, too). It’s uncomfortable when the judgment is aimed toward our lives, but those are the breaks when you choose to be a part of a group that has things like “accountability” visits and where the status of someone else’s virginity is worthy of conversation.

Post # 21
570 posts
Busy bee

Find another church. Your church family is neither supportive or loving or helpful, which are all things they should be. 

Post # 22
3000 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

JaaayDawgg. There’s a lot of hypocrisy out there.  So many claim they’re “waiting” for marriage to have “sex” when in reality they’re engaging in every.sexual.act known to mankind (lol) other than allowing full p.in.v.  Sanctimony and pretense are apparently quite rampant….. 

My advice to you is to live your life authentically and stop worrying/ answering to those who challenge your actions.  Change churches if you’re uncomfortable. 


Post # 23
8830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

I am not religious at all, so please feel free to take what I say with a pinch of salt, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to see you are getting judged so harshly. I find it absolutely astonishing that people think it is ANY of their business and have the audacity to ask you questions about your living arrangements. I think that the other posters that suggested finding a new church are spot on! 

Post # 24
10029 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Life is way too short to worry about making other people happy. Live your life in a way that makes you happy. You don’t have to please anyone else.

Post # 25
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2021 - City, State

Ugh, reminds me of my cult of a Christian school where I was told never to live with my boyfriend and how I will be more likely to be a victim of domestic violence if I do. I waited until I was engaged to live with my fiance, but I been with him for enough time to know he would never hit me or has anger issues or anything and though we have disagreements none of our fights have escalated into anything physical because we are mature adults that work out our issues before they build on us.

Seriously, eff them, just eff them. You don’t want to get married in that church, you deserve better. Find a different pastor that will marry you that accepts you. I would start looking for a different church during your engagement and get to know the pastor as soon as you can. 

Post # 26
3437 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You and your fiance are not compatible with your church. Don’t waste your life trying to make those people happy. They are inappropriate, overbearing, and cause you unnecessary stress. 

There are so many churches out there, Bee. Please consider the possibility of finding a church that will bring you joy. Your current church is clearly going to be judging you on your wedding day, and that is ridiculous and makes me feel uncomfortable on your behalf. Personally I would not want those people at my wedding, based on the atrocious way they’ve behaved. 

You and your fiance deserve better than this! And I don’t know if you want children, but if you do I would most certainly question raising them in that church.

Post # 27
5057 posts
Bee Keeper

There are so many different churches put there. Try another one one weekend and for lack of a better term you can shop around until you find one you’re comfortable with.  

Post # 28
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

I read your whole post, and my heart goes out to you. I was raised in a very conservative, traditional Roman Catholic household. I completely understand the drama that living together can cause in your situation. However, I think I should echo what some other Bees have already said: I would look for another church. Church is supposed to be a place to worship Jesus and have community. This doesn’t sound like a good community. I have NEVER heard of a pastor showing up to do an accountability check on a couple! That seems way over the line and not respectful of your autonomy as adults. I think it is so unkind (and dare I say it, un-Christian) for the people in your church to be judging you so harshly for what they perceive as sin. I want to wish you and your FH happiness and the best of luck. And sending a prayer that you find a more supportive community 🙂

  • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  daisymaewaiting. Reason: Edit: I think I accidentally replied to another commenter
Post # 29
2024 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

JaaayDawgg :  I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’m a Christian and I struggled with this as well. I moved in with Darling Husband a month before our wedding. My Christian family was against it, and I also kept it on the DL. Unlike you, I did engaged in premarital sex with my husband. He was my first and is my only sexual partner, but I didn’t wait until the wedding. I did feel guilt and remorse about that then, and we have repented now. You are so strong to be able to resist sexual temptation while living together! Congratulations on that. 

The thing is that it’s harder to resist premarital sex the more time you spend together alone, and that’s compounded by living together. I’m sure that’s why your church is so concerned. And sad to say, I’m sure many believe that you are engaging in premarital sex, because they know you live together. 

However, none of that excuses the attitudes and invasive practices of your church family. They’ve gone above and beyond trying to assist you with accountability, straight into judgmental and non-loving behavior.

No one can make this decision but you, but I’d leave the church, and find one that will be kinder in their ways. They’re not being your loving church family, but rather seeking to control you through the guise of accountability, and being way too heavy handed about it. 

Its the church’s responsibility to encourage a life that follows the Bible’s teaching. It’s not the church’s place to hound and shame and try to force their will upon you. 

Post # 30
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Find another church. Your entire post gave me the creeps. Snapchat location, sorry what? These people are far too invested in your private life. I’m not religious, very atheist, but by the sounds of it you are good people doing nothing wrong, you’re even waiting to be married before you have sex and by gosh that must be hard, I take my hat off to any new couple doing that alone on the basis of their beliefs. Plus in this economy how can they expect ya’ll to cover two living costs when you don’t have too.. 

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