Post # 1
Hey Bees –
DH and I have been trying to start a family before we were even engaged. It’s been years and years of fertility treatments – mutiple failed IVFs, several early term miscarriges. The emotional toll is really wearing on me. The financial costs are adding up after all these years.
I’m considering moving to adoption. I’ve always wanted to adopt but DH wanted biological kids. After all this time, he is starting to come around. 40 is right around the corner and I’m tired of waiting for something that might not happen.
Post # 2
Go for it!! I don’t know if you’re religious, or believe in destiny/everything happening for a reason, but perhaps your struggle with infertility was meant all along to eventually lead you to your perfect child(ren), whom you’ll meet by adoption, with whom you wouldn’t have been connected otherwise. It’s a wonderful route to go.
Post # 4
I am sorry for the hard journey you have had. Infertility is never fun.
I would have considered adoption too if we hadn’t got pregnant in the end. I would suggest you take the process step by step though.
Some friends of ours recently adopted a little girl (gay guys so very hard to have bio kids) They said they had to just approach it bit by bit, having the first meeting, then the social worker assessments, then being matched, then the getting to know you process, then the informal adoption etc. A couple of weeks ago the formal adoption happened and I know they are over the moon to have their little girl.
Post # 5
seesom : Would you consider embryo adoption or donor egg/sperm? As I dont know what is preventing you staying pregnant, this may not be a viable option. Someone close to me is pregnant with donor egg ivf, and is over the moon.
Im so sorry you are going through this. I will be embarking on ivf this summer and it is very daunting, albeit somewhat exciting. The thought of it not working terrifies me, I cant imagine having several failed rounds. I wish you all the best bee, you will have the family you are meant to have, but im incredibly sorry you have to go through so much to get there.
Post # 6
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I honestly cannot even imagine what you’re dealing with and my heart goes out to you.
I think if you want to take a step towards adoption a good way to do that is to attend an orientation at your local social services office. My husband and I went to one a few months ago and it was so eye-opening! They tell you about the kids and some possible situations they’ve been in, they give you an outline and a timeline to the adoption process, give resources to look into and usually offer classes. I think going to something like that will be a nice way to ease both you and your husband into the idea of adoption, whether you decide to go through the foster care system or something else.
Also, you should follow The Gathered Nest on YouTube, if you don’t already! Angela and her husband CR have had children naturally, have adopted through the foster care system, have adopted twice internationally (one child being special needs as well), and have done embryo adoption! I love watching their YT channel, because their family is so fun to watch as well as a great resource to get first-hand insight into the different ways to have a family.
Best of luck to you and your hubby!
Post # 7
I think you really have to consider what your end goal is. Do you want children regardless of how they come to you, or do you want to be pregnant and raise children that are biologically yours or do you want to be pregnant and raise children, but not necessarily one biologically related to both you and your husband. Any of those are perfectly legitimate, but what you and DH think about those options will guide your next step.
I know people who have done private infant adoption (so, a birth mother picked them and after whatever time period their state requires, they went home with the baby from the hospital), adoption out of foster care for both infants and older children and international adoption. There are good and bad things about each. The wait time from getting all the paperwork done to actually bringing home the child varies wildly based on what kind of agency you work with and how specific you are with what you want. Limiting based on gender or race or health status will mean longer waits. Cost also varies wildly depending on your agency and type of adoption.
If you choose to go through a private agency for infant or international adoption, make sure you do serious due-diligence on researching their legitimacy. There are major issues with some agency’s that basically amount to child trafficking, both domestically and internationally. If someone is promising you a healthy sweet newborn in less than 6 months, or healthy well adjusted young toddlers internationally, question them closely. There are also a number of international accreditation’s for adopting from outside the US, there are more than a few countries that used to be incredibly popular for American adoptive parents that have closed their international adoption because problems with kids basically being sold by parents to get them to the States.
Sorry for the novel, I just know so many people who have done this that you hear all the stories and don’t want others to end up realizing a year and $20000 into an adoption that theiir agency is less than ethical!
All that said, make sure you take time to cope with whatever change you decide to make. Go to a few information sessions by local agencies if you decide to pursue adoption to get familiar with the process. that way you can make a decision about how to move forward armed with knowledge. Infertility is a crappy situation (perhaps the understatement of the year?) and It sucks. Something a friend said to me when we were trying to decide our next steps with an infertility diagnosis is that it is totally okay to mourn the original plan. It doesn’t make you a bad parent later if you end up having children another way to be sad that you didn’t get what you had dreamed about to begin with.
Best of luck with whatever option you decide to go with!
Post # 8
First of all, I am so sorry for all the pain and struggle you’ve had to go through. I can’t imagine how difficult that has been. I adopted my two little boys from the foster care system this year, and they are without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always knew I had a heart for adoption and foster care, and I really feel like God brought us together (corny but true). I won’t lie to you, it’s certainly not an easy process and there will be struggles. I’m also a family law attorney who does adoptions fairly frequently, and I have seen so many families come together in all sorts of non-traditional ways. Of course there are risks with adoption no matter which route you take (private, agency, foreign or through children’s division), but there are risks with every child, biological or not.
If you do decide to adopt, it’s okay to mourn the loss of not having biological children. Only you two know whether you have it in your hearts to adopt, but I will tell you that each adoption that I have been privileged to be a part of is unbelievably redemptive and beautiful. I agree that I would start by calling your local division of family services, and they will provide you with some direction. There are usually adoption workers who are happy to meet with you to answer questions.