(Closed) Tired of Fightning for Engagement – Ready to Give Up

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Honey, you are right. Actions do speak louder than words. And I don’t like that “joke” he made. What the hell? If he wants to marry you, too, what is there to resent?

That said, it all comes down to “Is SandraRae happy?”. And “how much longer are you willing to wait?”

No one can REALLY answer those two questions for you. Not even your boyfriend, it seems.

I don’t know what advice to give as I was always on the same page as my husband. Had he been wishy-washy about getting engaged, I would have left the relationship.

HUGS TO YOU

Post # 4
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Bump

Post # 5
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

to be honest, it seems like the ticking clock of your 30th birthday and the goal or remarried with a child is what is driving the depression.  in reading your post (and, i promise, i read the whole thing), i couldn’t find any indication that your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you – it just seems like he’s not ready right now to get engaged.  this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t love you, or doesn’t want to spend his life with you – it just means that right this second is the right time for a proposal

to me, from an outside point of view, it looks like you have two choices – to leave if youre not engaged, or to stay and enjoy the relationship that you have and are building.  i was with my now Fiance for 5 years before he proposed, and was totally ready at like 2 years for it to happen.  did it drive me crazy?  of course.  it made me question all kinds of things about myself when everyone around me was getting engaged and married.  but, it didn’t make me want to leave him – i knew he was the one for me and was willing to wait however long necessary to spend my life with him.  in truth, you are spending your life with him, a title won’t change that.

that said, the “resent” statement would get under my skin, too – and i’m not 100% on what i would do if my Fiance had said that to me.

i think @italianlady is right – you need to take a step back and figure out if you’re truly happy in this relationship and go from there – no goals, no ultimatums, just you.

hugs and good luck

Post # 6
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

🙁 I don’t have much for you hun, sorry you’re dealing with this. As you said in the beginning, he didn’t want anything serious. Seems like what you need to decide is do you want to be with him or do you want to be married? Clearly marriage isn’t an option in your guy’s mind, and willing that to be different isn’t going to end well.

Post # 7
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Before I was with FH I dated a guy that had just gone through a divorce. He was upfront with me about not wanting anything serious, I was on the same page (just wanted to have fun) well then I changed my mind as things got more serious and told him my feelings. We started talking about marriage in the future and all that, eventually though I could just tell we weren’t on the same page and ended it.

Your SO told you from the beginning he wasn’t looking for something serious. You wanting the opposite and then some (with a child) doesn’t mean that it cancels out his feelings. I would tread very carefully. His comment about resentment doesn’t sound like a joke but more like a true feeling.

You seem very hung up on wanting to be married with a child before your 30 more than wanting a good solid relationship. You can’t create a timeline from love especially if there are broken hearts involved.

Do you really want to guilt him into proposing? You said yourself that you don’t want a shut up ring but its seems like maybe you do a little? You want someone who is “bursting at the seams to get engaged” he’s obviously not, and you can’t make someone have that feeling.

I realize this is a “vent” but it just seems like you two aren’t just on a different page but in a completely different book. That’s how it was for me and my ex and ultimately thats what made me make my decision to leave. I obviously don’t know anything about your relationship but those are just my thoughts…

Post # 8
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

*Hugs!* I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

First remember, it’s not about what other people are doing, if they’re getting married or not (although understandably it is frustrating to watch other weddings). It’s about you. Two points from what you said.

“During our last argument, he said that all the arguing made him want to do was get in the car, drive to the jewelry story, and buy me a ring so I’d “be happy”.  The last thing I want is a sympathy ring – or a “shut up” ring.”

And at this point, that sounds exactly like what you’d get. He doesn’t seem to want to get engaged right now, like he could take it (if he had to) or leave it.

“I want to be with someone who is bursting at the seams – just like I am – to get engaged.”

And you deserve that! An engagement should be an exciting time where the two of you just can’t wait to start your life together! If one of you isn’t on board with the idea, well, then maybe it’s time to take a step back.

I understand you’re saving up for your own place together, but right now what I think you might need is actually space, as in separation. If he wants to spend forever with you, then what he needs is to come to it on his own. In the meantime, If it’s not going to happen with him, well them you deserve to be happy and not staying in a relationship where you feel like you’re trying to force it. This relationship has you depressed and frustrated. You are terrific and filled with love! You need to find the right person to give it to. Give it some thought. You know your relationship best, but I’d say space, and possibly finding love again.

 

Post # 9
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@SandraRae326:  I think the first think you need to do is get your “goal” of marriage and a child by x date out of your mind.  Life and love just don’t work that way.  If some guy told me he had that goal, I’d think all he wanted was someone with a pulse willing to reproduce with him rather than someone he really, trully loves and wants a future with. 

That said, I’m also not crazy about your boyfriend’s insistence on doing things completely on “his” terms with no regard for your feelings. 

I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself if you’re with him and staying with him because he’s really the man you want or if this is as much or more about fulfilling your goal.  I also wonder why you agreed to move in with him when you hadn’t reached an agreement about the future? 

Maybe the two of you would benefit from some counseling because right now it seems like you’re both poisoning your relationship.  Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I don’t think you should have to “fight tooth & nail” to convince a man to marry you.

He’s making it as clear as he possibly can that he doesn’t want to get engaged.  At least  not now.

Take care of yourself.  In the end, that’s really all you can ever do.

Post # 11
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why should the marriage be on HIS terms only? He has to be ready to compromise, and try harder to understand your point of view as well as his. Right now I feel that he is just thinking about himself and what he wants

Post # 12
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sorry you’re feeling stressed, but guys don’t typically respond positively to pressure (hence the “resent” comment) and you need to think about why you really want to get engaged so badly.

Also, please read Mr. Bee’s advice for getting engaged and read through the comments. So many ladies commented about how helpful the advice was and shared their similar expereinces.

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged

Post # 13
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think when you set up arbitrary must-haves (like, must be married with a child before 30), you’re setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and headache. Life rarely works out on a pre-determined timeline, especially one that’s not tied to anything else. I think telling yourself that coming off a fairly long marriage, you must be remarried and have a child within basically 2 years is also setting yourself up for failure.

I read your entire post, and honestly, there was a lot about other people getting engaged, which although it might make you unhappy has no relevance on your relationship and how healthy/unhealthy your relationship is, and a lot about how you feel like there is something wrong with you, that you are not good enough, etc. because you don’t have a ring by the date you determined you would have one. There was not much about your relationship and why you both want to get married, outside of your timeline.

I have a lot of male friends, and most men feel a lot of pressure to be able to “provide” (even if you don’t personally put that pressure on them) – if you are currently staying with family and don’t plan to get your own place for another YEAR, and he has a child to provide for, I can honestly see why he isn’t chomping at the bit to get engaged this minute, and it has nothing to do with you or your relationship. If he has implied that an engagement is tied to having your own place – why not work on that?

You said you both have discussed marriage, he is open to it, and you even tentatively talked about 2012 being the year. This all sounds good.

I guess you have to decide what is more important – letting the relationship progress on its natural course, or staying within your arbitrary deadline.

Post # 14
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Do you want to get married just to reach your "by 30" goal? Or do you want to marry this man?

Because it doesn’t sound like he’s ready.

So if you’re not getting what you want/need from him, I would have to say…be prepared to walk away.  If you want to get married, your tems should be considered too. And you can decide to wait or walk.

If you decide to wait, I’d rethink living with him until there is at least an engagement.

Post # 15
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

@SandraRae326:

I haven’t read the rest of the responses yet, as I’m not sure I want them to influence my response, but here goes…a few things…

1.) you write at the end that you are terrified of starting over and I know what you mean…and as hard as it is, I think we all need to realize that fear of starting over can’t be our reason for sticking around.

2.) It sounds like you had a conversation with him where you said “i’ll work on becomming my happy-go-lucky self if we get engaged within a year.” But it sounds to me like you didn’t really mean it. You said a year, but you really meant “now, soon, don’t make it take a whole year.” I’ve made the same mistake before…I’ve actually said things like “I don’t want to get engaged right now anyway, I’d like to take some time to get in shape and get my life in order so that I’m all set when it happens.” and then a month later…still unorganized and out of shape, I’m pissed that it hasn’t happened. Because what we do is we try to convince ourselves that we’re okay with waiting.

 If you’re anything like me you go through mood swings…one day “it’s too late and he’s just simply waited too long and you’re through!” The next day, “it’s okay so long as it happens soon.”  The next day “I can wait a while, I’ve got things I can be doing in the meantime and what’s the rush if he’s the one, I don’t want to leave him just because it’s taking a while.”  It’s a constant struggle.

The problem, is that men listen to the breakdowns and tantrums as irrational moments that you didn’t mean. They look at your calm, gentle, “I can wait” talks as what you REALLY mean when you’re “thinking rationally.”

The problem is that some of things I say aren’t actually the truth. I say I’m willing to wait because I think that’s what is rational…I think I’m being logical, rational, and fair…and making up for the time last week when I said a “lack of proposal has made me a soulness empty shell of a zombie.” —If I act like that’s not really how I feel, suddenly things in the relationshp will be better, I’ll have made up for those past comments and things will be ok. The only problem, is that I’m not willing to wait– so in trying to be “logical and rational” and telling him “im willing to wait,” I’m giving him the signal that it’s ok to wait…when deep down it really isn’t, I’m just saying that to be the patient, loving, partner that I want to be. Just because I want it to be ok with me to wait, doesn’t mean I can convince my entire mind, body, and soul of it.  It actually doesn’t do me any good to say I’m willing to wait, it just leads to more and more melt downs.

Although I’m aware of this viscious cycle, I still do it. After my latest melt down I sent my SO an email telling him that “I will never give up on our relationship, I would be so lucky to have him want to propose, and I want him to do it whenever he is ready and whenever he chooses it on his own. Whenever that happens is ok with me.”

I want this to be true, it is true….sort of. The only problem, is that I want for that time when he’s “ready” and “chooses it on his own” to be tomorrow.

bah! so I guess the only advice that I can offer is: don’t stay with him just because you’re afraid of starting over. You gave him one year to propose and you either mean it or you don’t. If you do, give it the full year, don’t start freaking out two months in. If you don’t mean it– which it sounds like you don’t– let that be heard I suppose.  Your relationship should have compromise, not sacrifice. You want to have a child, you wanted to get married and have that child by 30. Let him know that at this point you’ll be 31-32, or 33 by the time that happens…you’ve compromised 3 years. Ask him what compromise he’s willing to make. If his ideal time of an engagement is 3 years from now, well he can match your compromise of 3 years and make it tomorrow. Compromise shouldn’t be one sided, or it will end up being a sacrifice.

I really wish you luck in your situation, and I hope that he doesn’t take too long to realize that you’re the one for him.

Post # 16
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PP.  It sounds like you’re focusing on the “get married and have baby by 30” thing a lot.  I also sounds like you’re focusing on “other” people’s relationships.  I don’t like the resentment comment that your SO made, but you should probably start to focus a bit more on your actual relationship with him rather than on what people are doing around  you.

Do you love him?  It sounds like you do.  So maybe just relax a bit and trust when he says 2012.  This is of course if your timeline is flexible.  If its not- I suggest leaving now because it doesn’t even sound healthy that you guys get enegaged before both of you want it.  

The topic ‘Tired of Fightning for Engagement – Ready to Give Up’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors