(Closed) Tired of justifying.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

If you don’t mind me asking, what is the name of your other blog? Sorry – I’m kind of a blog junkie. 🙂 Also, don’t worry about what other people think, you’re the one who has to wear the ring for the rest of your life, not them.

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Of course you want to love it! It’s smart that you’re both waiting to buy the perfect ring.

Post # 5
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Hi Big Truck,

I understand how you feel. I’ve had similar reactions from my friends, except slightly different. My boyfriend and I (we aren’t engaged yet) went ring shopping together and picked out my ring together. I’ve never been the kind of girl to dream of my wedding, but I am very excited about the engagement. Like you, I’m not very materialistic and I don’t wear much jewelry. But to me, the ring is very important. It’s not just a piece of jewelry, it’s a symbol of us taking the step to start our lives together. But, my friends have been very critical of the fact that I had anything to do with picking out my ring at all. I’ve been hearing a lot of “I would NEVER want to know. It should be a total surprise. How could you be involved in that?” That’s fine if that’s what they want, but that’s not ok for me. I wanted us to make the decision as a couple and I wanted a ring that reflected my taste.  They are making me feel like I’m only focused on the ring (not the case) and it’s really taking a lot of the excitement and joy out of this experience for me. I feel like I have no one to share it with who is genuinely happy for me.

Anyway I understand how you’re feeling and I’m sorry you are going through that!

Post # 6
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

That’s a bunch of craziness. If you loved to run and your guy told you, “Babe, I love you and I want you to have a wonderful pair of running shoes as a gift from me and as a symbol that I love you. I can spend up to $5k on your shoes. Go. Have fun,” would you go out and buy the shittiest pair of shoes out there because you want to prove you don’t need anything expensive? That’s silly. He’s offering to make you happy. He’s not offering because he’s required to. He’s not breaking the bank. So long as YOUR love for EACHOTHER is still important to YOU, what does it matter that he choses to show it with expensive jewelry? Where is their room to judge?

They just sound like they are being buttheads about this. Like KatyElle said, good for you for waiting to find the perfect ring. She did and it certainly paid off. (p.s. I actually stalk the forums looking for additional pics of it). If you went to 12 dealerships looking for the perfect car no one would judge. How is this different?

Post # 7
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

People just like to act like it isn’t a big deal so that they can feel like they’re better than you.  They are probably jealous that you get to pick AND you have a man that wants to get you what you both think of as “perfect.” If he wants to get you something nice, and wants you to help out, I see nothing wrong with that.  As long as you are both happy, that’s all that matters.

Post # 8
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

That’s ridiculous.

I’ve noticed this pattern lately, here and elsewhere, of people telling women that if they don’t like things the way they are, they’re being materialistic/unreasonable/selfish/whatever. Regardless of whether it’s someone telling a person they shouldn’t want to get married until when/if her Fiance wants to, that they shouldn’t bring up marriage talk because “isn’t being with him enough”? And if they don’t like the ring that they had no hand in picking out, that they should keep it just to save his feelings. And if Cousin Beatrice wore a long, white dress to the wedding, well, “you should just be glad people cared enough about you to come to your wedding at all.”

The pattern here is that these things all take into consideration everyone else’s feelings but the poster. Don’t let anonymous internet folk steamroll you into giving up your right to have an opinion. You have just as much a right to your opinion as they do theirs–but it’s YOUR blog. If you don’t write about important stuff like that, you’re censoring yourself.

In any other realm of life, if Fiance wanted to know something or wanted help with something, and you didn’t give it to him, that’d be mean, right? How is this any different? Even if you were wanting something outlandish like a $50k Tiffany ring, he still has every right to say no, right?! It’s not like you’re MAKING the decision FOR him, you’re helping him. That’s a positive thing.

They’re responding in entirely unconstructive ways, to the point where one might begin to wonder whether they all have either very unhappy marriages of their own, or a growing cat collection with no man in sight.

Post # 9
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

@EffieTrinket: You make several excellent points. Especially that having a desire doesn’t make you materialistic or selfish. That drives me crazy. Not having desires makes you a robot and anyone who says they’re above “liking” things is a total liar. Like you said, it’s unconstructive. If we’re gonna play that game, technically having any ring at all makes you materialistic because you needed something to represent your love for each other when your love for each other should have been sufficient. It doesn’t make any sense, and like you said, isn’t helpful.

Oh, and growing cat collection. I cracked up. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I looked back at the thread with the pic of the ring, very nice ring! You have a nice ring, show it off. People are judgmental, don’t let them bother you. I’d be miserable most of the time if I let people judgement bother me.

Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee

My guy also wants me to have an amazing ring, even though I insist (and honestly do want) a simple and less expensive ring. I also wrote on Yahoo Answers about my waiting situation and how I was upset that he can purchase expensive firearms (he collects them) but wouldn’t get me the $299 ring I picked out. One person called me selfish for wanting a ring so badly, but in the same post they said that I was selling myself short settling for a $299 ring, and that I shouldn’t settle. Some people just like to put others down. I know its hard to be called selfish and materialistic, especially when you aren’t. Only you know your relationship well enough to determine if what you would like is actually appropriate. Personally, I don’t want him spending over $800 on my ring, but hey! its your ring and if he’s on board thats all that really matters.

Post # 12
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

People judging you for wanting [what they percieve as] a more expensive engagement ring is EXACTLY THE SAME AS someone judging you for wanting a less expensive ring (or car, or house, or clothes, WHATEVER).

The fact that they are making some sort of judgement about you based on a material thing like a ring, whether it be expensive or inexpensive, is “materialistic.”

ma·te·ri·al·ism : a preoccupation with or stress upon material rather than intellectual or spiritual things

Your friends are preoccupied with what it costs. So preoccupied in fact that they seem to have “forgotten” about the awesome, deep connection you have with your future Fiance that have you blogged about in the past. 

So get the ring you want and go on wit’ yo bad self!

Just sayin’. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I love my ring because my Fiance picked it out however he knows my heart is set on another one we chose together but don’t have the full amount to buy. I would ignore everyone else- you have your reasons and as long as your to be Fiance agrees, then who care what anyone else thinks.

Post # 14
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

whatever!!!you are NOT materialistic girl!!!! i think people who say stuff like that need to get off their high horse, seriously. wanting something nice that you like and are going to have for the rest of your life doesn’t mean you are materialistic. it’s your money and you choose how to spend it. materialistic is, i won’t marry him unless he spends 10k on this brand of ring etc.  materialistic is, i am in this relationship for what he can give me instead of what he makes me feel. wanting a nice ring, as a woman, is NOT materialistic.

everyone has some things they think are frivoulous, comparing with other people’s spending habits is pointless. EX: I drive a cheap car but spend more on clothes because it’s something i enjoy. The car isn’t important to me. Some people drive much nicer cars but would think I was crazy to spend 100 dollars on jeans. why compare???

i think if you are a reasonable person, you are your Boyfriend or Best Friend are comfortable financially, gainfully employed etc, and have a reasonable expectation for cost of ring vs salary, you’re fine.

My Boyfriend or Best Friend and i aren’t rich by any means but have pretty decent jobs and both like to go out to eat, do leisure activities etc. So if he wanted to, he could cut out some baseball games with his friends or trips to the bar and he’d be able to save pretty easily. Being completely honest, I would be veryyy happy to be engaged but hurt if my Boyfriend or Best Friend only spent 299 on my ring, but I’m considering what he makes/spends on himself in that thought.  As long as you have those things in mind you are FINE! don’t even sweat it!
*hugssss/high five*

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