Post # 1
Let me start from the beginning. My ex just proposed to his girlfriend. I wasnt surprised because he and I still kept in touch and a few months ago, he told me he was ordering the ring. I was happy for him, and told him finally. He then proceeded to continue hitting on me and suggesting we get back together. As always, I told him to leave me alone and to start acting like a married man, since he pretty much was. It worked for a while but he continued messaging me and making small talk, which I had no problem with. Anyway, mutual friends started blowing up my phone on sunday, each one calling to tell me they just got engaged and asking me how I was doing and if I felt weird about it. Now, I guess because we were so deeply in love and inseparable that everyone assumes I must be devastated. Truth is, I broke up with him over 6 years ago, and if I wanted him back, I could, and I know that. I dont want him back, I’m happy he’s finally manning up and marrying his girlfriend of 5 years. But the constant calls from my “friends” to “inform me” and “see how I’m coping with the news” is driving me insane. I’ve told them all to stop calling or messaging me, but it felt like they all thought of me as the miserable ex girlfriend. That genuninely hurt. I’m happily waiting on my ring with my boyfriend of 5 years and so I just tried to let it go. I called my boyfriend like I do everynight before I go to bed and was telling him about my day, and I mentioned it. HE JOINS MY FRIENDS AND STARTS THROWING ME A PITY PARTY!!!!! I told him I was truly happy for him, and I wasn’t bothered by it at all. He then tells me that because of the ex getting engaged, we might have to move back our timeline for getting married, because he doesnt want it to seem like he only proposed because my ex proposed. I couldnt believe my ears. How is it that everyone in my life suddenly thinks I’m this broken devastated person because my ex is getting married?? I truly dont care, but I am hurt that they think so little of me, and now have even delayed my engagement to give me time to “heal”. What the heck have I been doing for the past 6 years when I was wasn’t with that dude then?????????
Sorry, but I really had to get it off my chest because it felt like everyone I told just thought I was truly upset about the ex getting married as opposed to because I’m tired of their false and unnecessary sympathy and I just want everyone to treat his engagement like any one of my other friends was getting engaged. I’ve been happy for each one of them, and so why should this one be any different. Oh and I want my engagement to be whenever it was supposed to be!!!
I think I might have to take a break from weddingbee because finding out I might be waiting for well over a year because of a silly reason (well it feels like a silly reason to me) is just straight upsetting and heartbreaking.
Thanks for letting me vent ladies
Post # 2
Wow, sorry that was so long.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2014 - backyard
Seems like you are upset, very upset at that. Cleary this ex still means something to you, which explians why you still give him the time of day. Not judging, but if you relly do not care, why be bothered, who cares
Post # 4
Eeek! I’m sorry everyone has gone so over the top with this. Maybe because people know/assume you’re waiting they think you’ll the news harder? I don’t know. But it must be really irriatating having to tell everyone you’re fine repeatedly and then you get annoyed with having to say you’re fine so much so people then assume that you’re upset about the engagement rather than fed up of saying ‘I’m fine’.
I think you should talk to your boyfriend and say that it doesn’t matter why anyone else thinks he’s proposing to you as long as the two of you know it’s not because of your ex and to just stick to his orignal plan… unless he’s using this as a convenient excuse to postpone
Post # 5
That sounds really annoying. Also, why do you still talk to the ex? Id cut that off entirely.
And re: your SO. You tell him in no uncertain terms that you don’t give a damn about your ex getting married and your can’t even believe he would consider the possibility of delaying your engagement and marriage because of them! You don’t care what anyone thinks… I mean you’ve been dating 5 years, who would even think that? It shouldn’t effect your timeline one bit.
Post # 6
Also, keep your chin up. Tell your friends your happy for them and ask them to stop talking to you about it. They’ll find something new to gossip about soon.
Post # 7
Why is it such a big deal that some people keep in contact with their ex’s? I keep in contact with my first love and so does my SO and it doesn’t bother either of us. I beleive there will always be a soft spot in your heart for your first love/ first serious relationship, but that doesn’t mean you’re gonna be devastated when they meet someone and take the next step.
I wanna know what the f**k makes your ‘friends’ think you’d be devastated that your ex is getting married? Just tell them straight out:
‘I’m happy for them, I don’t want your pity party, I love my boyfriend, my time will come, please shut the fuck up, it’s old news, thank you muchly’
It sounds like your ‘friends’ just like a bit of drama, it’s almost like they were hoping for a huge drama to unfold from the situation.
Post # 8
Thing is, I really dont care about his engagement though. He IS my friend, which is why I give him the time of day, and I couldn’t be more happy for him getting married. LIke I mentioned, I knew it was coming because we spoke about it a while ago and I’ve been egging him on to do it already. What is upsetting is my friends all calling me with that “awww, you heard? Are you fine? How are you dealing? hope that doesnt stress you out! Oh bummer, you must be devastated, poor you!!” crap! And then I had a feeling that my lovely bf would be wanting to extend the timeline, which I’m actually fine with, but dont tell me its because you dont want to seem like you only proposed because he proposed recently. That just stinks.
Post # 9
Your SO needs a good talking to if he thinks what’s going on in your exes life should impact his proposal. That is ridiculous.
Post # 10
Sorry I don’t know what advice to offer, other than to say you’re not alone! I can totally understand your frustration here, and my example of this is not even close to the same magnitude.
I’ve been separated from my partner of 10 years for about 10 months now. having been with him my whole adult life and having a home together etc, it took so much for me to leave, that basically I was mentally separated from him months before I moved out and everyone else got the news. almost 8 months after separating, we both had new partners send are very happy. We are still on good terms, and I honestly feel nothing for him anymore at all, beyond friendship. In fact we had a ‘relationship debrief’ some time after we split, that pretty much ended up me giving him tips of how not to make the same mistakes again.
a major reason we split was due to his emotional immaturity, and my desire to get married and have kids (one day), that he may never be ready to fully commit to.
We now now find it too hard to attend the same functions with our mutual friends etc, even though we are fine seeing each other. It’s just too hard dealing with everyone else’s awkward BS! Like when I bought my new SO to a local gathering, to which my ex arrived. Everyone (about 40 people) went silent and gawped at us, before one of my sisters dragged us off with the excuse we had to visit our mother.
Geez I hope this doesnt keep up for 6 years!!! And I don’t think the PP makes a valid point that it’s odd this annoys you.. I think you can definitely not have feelings for an ex and find this situation totally frustrating!
Post # 11
I would stop talking to the ex if he “hits on you” and suggests you “get back together”. Disrespectful to both your SO and his Fiance. You say you are still friends with him, that doesn’t really sound like a ‘friend’ to me.
Post # 12
UGH – I feel your pain. My ex got married several years ago and at the time we were still pretty friendly so I wasn’t surprised at all when he got engaged. I was living with my now DH and I was perfectly happy for him but everyone assumed I must be devestated and I got all kinds of ‘are you okay?’ ‘How you holding up’ type messages. It had been 5 years or something since we’d broken up, we’d both dated many people in between. It was just weird.
I think it’s lovely that your friends care, and I’m sure they mean well. I didn’t have trouble with my ex being engaged, the day he got married was a little weird for me – I don’t know why, I in no way wanted him back, but it was weird all the same.
My guess is that a lot of people find it hard and strange when an ex moves on and movies & tv tell us that these things should be weird and hard so people assume they are and that’s probably why they’re all treating you the way they are.
I”d just not mention it and try to avoid having it come up.
As for your Fiance – I’d explain to him that what your Ex does has no bearing on your relationship and that you guys shouldn’t change your plans just because your Ex is engaged.
Post # 13
I completely agree. If he wants to extend it, feel free to say that, but not based on the fact that an ex got engaged. I wasn’t even the one asking for a timeline, he brought up the discussion originally and I thought it was soon, so I dont see the need to make excuses.
Thanks so much for your support. I really hope it doesnt stay that way for you. I think over time, people will get used to it but because you both dated for so long and the breakup is still fresh, its probably a little weird. It gets better with time. At least I know mine did (until now, that is)
Post # 14
I totally see how that comes across, but I know he doesnt actually want us to get back together, and its always done jokingly. He’s a bit of a goofball. But even at that, I told him to be more careful about that because once he’s engaged, he cant allow for any situation that can be misunderstood (not just with me, all together). Hence telling him to act like he’s already married.
Thanks for the advice. Will definitely sit down and talk with SO for sure. Did you go to your ex’s wedding? He told me a while ago that he wanted me to be there, but im 100% sure that with everything thats happened, I do NOT want to be there.
Post # 15
No, not a chance. I wasn’t invited and never would have expected to be and if I had been I would have declined. That is just awkward for everyone I think.
I wouldn’t want an ex at my wedding and I can’t think of an ex whos wedding I’d want to attend.