(Closed) Tit for tat – what level of "support" do you expect during your wedding?

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Yes and no. I would expect their support as a friend as they support you in other aspects of your life. But no tit for tat, that is a sure fire way to become disappointed. You know them, you know how much they usually give and what to expect.

Post # 3
Member
1677 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

chigirl217bride :  

When you’re in the middle of your wedding festivities, what do you expect from your family and friends that you supported during their wedding?

I supported my family/friends through their weddings because I wanted to.  I do not expect any higher level of involment from them than anyone else. 

I expect to pay for my own wedding, and plan it myself.  I expect bms to help arrange their attire for the day, and turn up.  I expect family and friends to turn up on the day (if they RSVP’d yes).  Anything else is a bonus.

If you attended your friend’s wedding years ago, would you be frustrated if they didn’t attend yours? (And so on and so forth with whatever level of effort you might have done for their wedding)

No.  Life is not tit for tat.  Especially when you are talking years, relationships change and evolve, people have different personalities and perspectives and everyone has things going on in their own lives that we will never fully know or understand.

Is it unfair to expect some sort of emotional “payback” from the people that you’ve supported in the past?

Yes, as per the above.

Post # 5
Member
4258 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Life is not tit for tat.  You do your best and you hope others do the same.  I have no expectations of people doing for me what I have done for them.  Nor do I do things hoping for some kind of in kind gesture.  If people are your friends, I think it would be fair to assume they are being the best friends they can in that time, and I would leave it at that.

Post # 6
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I expect my friends to just come to the wedding if they want to, and hopefully they want to, and hopefully they’ll eat well, drink well and have a lot of fun. That’s it.

I feel really uncomfortable asking people for help in things unless they ask. I even feel weird taking away time from my bridesmaids to go look at dresses even though they enjoy it. I only expect them to get their dresses and come to the wedding but they’ve been doing much more and I’m grateful for that. Weddings are self centered events and that alone is enough for me. I expect a lot more from myself than from other people. I expect myself to stay cool throughout the planning process, to not bring up the wedding in conversation unless asked and to not set expectations from other people, because their friendship is more than enough. And I don’t believe in emotional paybacks, that’s not how friendship works, there is no scorecard.

Post # 7
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

No I don’t like to live my life in a “tit for tat” kind of way and I wouldnt be frustrated if a friend or family member wasn’t able to attend my wedding even if I attended theirs. I would never expect emotional payback for friends I’ve supported. I’m not even really clear on what “emotional payback” means, but I’ve never been one to “keep score” or anything like that. I do the things I do because I want to, and I would hope the people in my life do the things they want to do.

Post # 8
Member
1677 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

chigirl217bride :  I used to be quite self concious about people repaying the favour to me, as I was insecure about my friendships and the like.  Not saying you are, but that’s  where I came from.

People are complex creatures.  A lot of what we do is also in self interest.  For example, I love babies so if a friend of mine is having a baby shower I will probably heavily involve myself (if they want help).  Yes I love them and are excited for them, however I am also serving a self interest in that I get to be around baby stuff and talk about babies.  Another friend who just had a miscarriage may avoid the baby shower and ‘forget’ to send a card because they are still hurting from their miscarriage.

This is just a hypothetical example of course, but I learnt to remember that I can only control and understand my behaviour, no one elses.  It is far more enjoyable to have very low expecations of people, and get pleasantly suprised.  

The only thing I try and keep a bit tit-for-tat for is money.  If we go to coffee and I’m the only one who ever offers to shout, you better believe we are splitting the bill from now on.

Post # 10
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

chigirl217bride :  “Treat others how you like to be treated” is very different than “expect others to give you the same as you gave to them”

Post # 11
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

chigirl217bride :  I have a slightly different reaction than most of the posters. I can really relate to how you must be feeling. Although it wasn’t wedding related, I’ve done a lot of stuff over the years for my friends (ex: planning a trip to visit them, or sending a gift, or planning a surprise) and have felt frustrated that it wasn’t reciprocated. After a a few years of brooding in frustration, I came to realize that it’s not that they are bad friends (they would do anything for me in a pinch if I needed help and are there for me when I am down) – it’s more that our personalities differ. I’m a planner. They are not. I’m a little bit stubborn about certain things. They are go-with-the-flow. Their definition of ettiquette is not the same as mine. I finally came to peace with it after a few years. Now, I let them make the plans, and let them call me when they are free, and have loosened my expectations. For a long time I thought, if your closest friends aren’t the people to keep expectations of, then who are? But I’ve learned to change my thinking and adapt a little bit to their personality when I deal with them, and they have also begun to understand the way I am.

Sorry, I know that that doesn’t exactly answer your question about attendance, but I just thought I’d share. Re: attendance. I’m not sure, it can go either way to be honest. My college roommate invited me to her wedding 2.5 years ago, but in 2 years I’m not sure if we will be close enough that she would travel to come to mine (although I would still send an invite).

Post # 13
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Your support may come from the people you least expect.  I think it is best to be grateful for the friends, family, vendors, etc. who are supportive and offer help during your planning. 

Also, relationships/friendships change over time. I was a Maid/Matron of Honor in a wedding 15 years ago and by the time I got married our relationship had changed dramatically. As a result, I didn’t invite her to my wedding. However, I had “newer” friends who traveled hundreds of miles to my hometown for my wedding and offered much love and support during my wedding weekend.  

I think you sow good seeds when you treat people nice; however, your blessing my come from a different person or source.

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