Post # 1
My husband and I have a very “healthy” relationship in and out of bed, we’ve been together over four years and are still both very attracted to eachother. In the beginning it was a lot of out and about intimacy. Still in bed as well but I’d surprise him with a little fun when we’d go out drinking and what not as well. We were breaking records for how much for a long time.
And with time of course the amount of intimate times decreases, it’s only natural and we’re still an every day couple. But it’s every day in the bedroom after our daughter is asleep and when we’re getting ready for bed. Which is still great, we are still very into it. I got a couple outfits for the honeymoon and occassionally wear them, but I’m naturally a very modest person. I don’t swear, even when I’m mad. I don’t say anything in bed, and I don’t initiate. I’m a very conservative and shy person in the bedroom.
Last night my husband and I were talking and he admitted he likes everything the way it is but wouldn’t mind if I was a “bad girl” in the bedroom every now and then. I pressed him on the issue to get him to just admit that, he’d never tell me he wanted me to change and that was the best I could get out of him that he would like it if I spiced it up myself.
I want to do this, I want to be open and willing for things that he would like, I want him to be fully satisfied but I don’t know where to start. I’m a completely rated G type girl through and through and even saying a swear word makes me feel… Uneasy. But I’m willing to do this, I just don’t know how.
I don’t know how to start, I’ve tried on my drunk nights but always laughed immediately after I said something, if I did something I was always too shy the next day and made him stop talking about it.
So I want to be this “bad girl” in the room (without compromising outside of the room behavior) but don’t know what that entails or how to start or what, any advice, tips or sure fire moves?
Post # 3
@Mrslovebug: So you don’t say anything in bed… Maybe start here. But don’t force yourself to jump straight into the dirty talk/swearing if it’s something you don’t do or aren’t comfortable with (yet. Heehee)! I guess a way to ease into it would be to be a little more “vocal”? Like whispering things in his ear or just telling him how you love what he’s doing/keep going/just like that… you get the idea. Start small. And I guess once you feel comfortable with that you can go further and try other things.
I think it’s nice that you still occasionally wear your honeymoon outfits. Maybe you could also surprise him by wearing something new or just different. For example, if your honeymoon outfits are mostly white, maybe go spoil yourself (and the hubby!) and get something naughtier that’s black or red instead. I’m sure you’ll think of something 🙂
Remember, start with the small stuff… and have fun!
Post # 4
@Mrslovebug: I don’t think you have to talk dirty to be a “bad girl”. Maybe you could try getting a super hot outfit and just coming onto him first. Like surprise him on the couch and just get on top of him and give him a bj. Dominate him. Men like that, especially when it’s unexpected.
Post # 5
@ksus07: I like the idea of getting some sexy black lace and silk items for bed. Try to do your make up different and wear a bold red lipstick just for him. Get some little coupons for him to redeem what he wants from you in the bedroom. Start slow and have fun.
Post # 6
@ksus07: Agreed, start small!
@Mrslovebug: I kind of feel uncomfortable with saying things like that too. Here are a few other ideas that don’t involve dirty talk so much:
- Try wearing something provocative under your regular clothes (or even going without underwear), and let him know early on in the day or evening – if you don’t want to blatantly tell him, maybe flash him a little peek “on accident”. So then on the outside, you’re still in your respectable clothes, but underneath he knows there’s something more “naughty” going on, and it can make him think about it all night, and maybe drive him a little crazy until he can get you alone. It’s kind of a way of being bold without having to say things that make you laugh or aren’t comfortable with.
- What about trying to initiate things yourself from time to time? That also wouldn’t necessarily involve you having to say anything. You can give him the signals that you are interested with a kiss, pressing up against him, that kind of thing. I bet that would be a big turn-on – most people like not always having to be the one to start things up. It makes you feel like your partner really desires you when they approach you instead of you always approaching them. And feeling like your partner desires you is usually a huge turn-on.
- Can you send your daughter off to stay with a friend or family for the evening, and just try going to another room? That alone can feel adventurous.
I hope some of these ideas can help you dip your toes in the water a little and start to feel more comfortable. I definitely think that the more you try things and find out what you both like, the more confidence you’ll gain in this area.
Post # 7
You mention a big part that for starters, could make things totally different. And not only for him, perhaps it’s a big, good change for you too! You mention you never initiate things. So I assume you mostly just respond to him starting things off. Truth is you mention your nice outfits. So there, maybe not actively, but you are trying to initiate things with your husband! 🙂 You are just probably a bit shy to make the first moves!
Well, right there your husband just told you he’d love it. So no way you’ll be rejected. You don’t have to jump into big things or more x rated stuff. But just YOU being the one to JUMP on him for the first time might be a nice surprise. I was like you at a time. After a bad breakup I dated this guy that for some reason, made me feel totally relaxed and open and willing to explore new things. TMI here lol And I was so surprised of what a huge turn on it is for me to feel in control of my pleasure, of his pleasure too! And of the direction the whole fun session is going into!
My biggest advice is just take it easy. Don’t make it too stressful for yourself. At least you have an advantage. You already know most of what your husband likes, how to touch him etc. So now it’s just time to get you to start things! 🙂
is there a chance you could find someone you trust to babysit? It would be nice if just for a weekend you make plans and even if just overnight you guys could take a break. Let’s say Friday to Saturday noon. You cook a nice dinner, then you take rhings from there, and would be nice if you guys could roam around the house doing what you just feel like, without having to tip toe because your daughter is in the other room. Have a nice breakfast together, more fun and then you guys return to normal family routine?
I’m sure he’d appreciate not only that you initiated sex but also that you went to great lenghts planning to make sure you both had some really nice privacy and time to spice things up. Oh, and a little secret… Even when most men like us to take initiative, they get too excited and it doesn’t take long for them to go nuts and want to be the ones in charge again. So chances are you won’t be the one with the pressure for a long time! Lol
Good luck and congrats for being willing to work on keeping the spice with your hubby!
Post # 8
Do you ever read Dan Savage? I felt really silly trying new things until I started reading his column. Which, actually made me feel better because he talked about things like laughing when you try something new (it’s not a big deal… it’s going to happen sometimes) and I think from personal experience, that sometimes talking dirty is all about finding phrases you’re comfortable with. I could never say something that sounded too cheesy porno, but sometimes finding even one word you’re okay with at first (even something like “harder”) can really help loosen things up.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
Seconding Dan Savage. Doing some reading that normalizes kinky and fetish play will help you get into the headspace to do it yourself.
You also don’t have to degrade yourself to be “dirty,” bear that in mind. You can tell him how much you want things, or like things, or give him instructions on what to do and call him a “good boy,” for example. Being dirty doesn’t mean calling yourself a “whore” or being submissive. It can be positive as well!
It may help you to think about it as role play or acting. If you imagine yourself adopting a more outgoing persona, for example, taking on the “role” of a strict schoolteacher or a party girl, you may have an easier time allowing yourself certain things. You can get into the head of your “character” and say what they would say or do what they would do. Examine your character’s motives and act in that way. And, of course, if something doesn’t work for you, you at least tried. As Dan Savage says, it pays to be good, giving, and game!
Post # 10
@Mrslovebug: Can you be a bad girl and take the top role? If being vocal makes you giggle then could you just show a “bad girl” streak by being rough? Ride it out so to speak (LOL)
Maybe try telling him that you like what he is doing? Somehow telling guys that you enjoy the positions makes you more lewd. Best of luck!
Post # 12
@cherrypie: I’m thirding reading Dan Savage!!! Have you gotten any toys, like four bed restraints to tie him down and tease the hell out of him? That’s definitely out of your comfort zone. It will drive him insane if you let the urge build up until you cant take it anymore, and must have him right now!
P.S. Get some whipped cream and go down on him. He will die 🙂