TMI intimacy in marriage

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 31
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ok, the reason everyone tells you that you need to figure out how to get yourself to orgasm is that it’s an incredibly personal learning process, and it is as unique to you as any other personal preference. Getting there by yourself can be challenging at times, especially while you’re still unfamiliar with your own preferences. Adding a partner (and all the pressures and nervousness that come with an experience with a new sexual partner) to that already new experience isn’t gonna make it easier. Finding out what makes you tick isn’t just about you- I promise you, he’ll have a lot more fun when he knows you are as well. Your sexuality isn’t something to be ashamed of, you don’t owe your partner every orgasm you’ll ever have, and masturbation is a very important part of a healthy and mutually fulfilling sex life. You’re not doing either of you any favors by skipping it. 

Post # 32
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

pbubs :  ^^^^ this exactly. 

Post # 33
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee

If you’re still not comfortable masturbating, then how about your husband fingers your or goes down on you until you orgasm? You guide him and let him know what feels good, but his penis stays in his pants until you’re finished. He’s had plenty of opportunities for orgasm during sex and he owes you a few orgasms!

Post # 34
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have never masterbated in my life and still achieve orgasm. I know what turns me on and what gets me going without doing so. I just figured it out with my husband when we are intimate with each other. Just don’t think about it so much and just enjoy. 

Post # 35
Member
6447 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

For the vast majority of women, PIV sex isn’t going to do it unless you know HOW. Like PPs have said, I guaran-damn-tee you that your Darling Husband has masturbated plenty. Denying yourself the same self knowledge and fulfillment will only frustrate both of you. Some women like G-spot stimulation (which takes one position); others prefer clitoral stimulation (which takes another). Some must have two kinds of stimulation at once, while others do not. But until you know what gets you off, it is awfully hard for your partner to just stumble upon it. Most women do not have the experience of lovechocolate, though, so by all means continue to go for the next year or two or three or more with no climax during sex. Perhaps then you will reconsider other approaches.

Post # 36
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I totally get the “orgasm builds up then fades to nothing” thing! It’s the WORST! That happened to me for the first seven YEARS I was sexually active. I tried absolutely everything I could think of, and I did a ton of research, was in a stable and generous relationship, etc., but could only orgasm once a year or so. Getting off of hormonal birth control made a huge difference. Meeting my partner and having crazy good chemistry with him made the biggest difference. But I still can’t have an orgasm on my own. I only orgasm with my partner, and if I get distracted at all, then I get the fizzle/fade instead of the orgasm. Marijuana does help me, a lot, but I’m not a fan, so I’ve only tried that a few times. The thing that’s helped me most though is practicing meditation and mindfulness: practicing focusing entirely on the sensations of my body and letting thoughts and feelings come and go without getting distracted has dramatically improved my ability to have consistent orgasms. I started using the Headspace meditation app and after the first few days, I started having an easier time achieving orgasm; I’ve been using it for months now and my FI’s and my sexual connection is 🔥

Post # 38
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

I would recommend during foreplay letting your husband stimulate your clit. If you start to feel something building but he’s not getting you there, take over yourself. Ask him to stimulate you in other ways (kissing, fingering, massages, nipple stimualtion) and figure out how you need to orgasm. Then you’ll be able to teach him how. 

It’s very unlikely that you’ll orgasm during PIV sex. Especially if you’ve never had an orgasm before. Once you start understanding more of your body and sexuality you can figure out how to get there during PIV. 

And I understand your religious motivations for keeping the sexual act a joint activity. Making sure you enjoy sex is important for marital happiness. Mutual masturbation is a great way to feel close to each other (as well as foreplay)

Good luck bee!

Post # 39
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

anoynbee1234 :  Sex for everyone is about giving and recieving. I’m not saying orgasms are something owed to you. I’m saying that while we love our SOs to bits, nobody owes it to their SO to share with them every single orgasm they have. It’s healthy to explore yourself in an effort to better understand your own wants, and it is healthy, both for your own well-being and the well-being of your relationship, to take care of your own needs outside of sex with your SO sometimes, so long as your SO isn’t neglected. A bit of independency can help strengthen any relationship, and you don’t need to apologize for a nice self-gratifying treat every now and then. If masturbation is sinful, then so are spa days, bubble baths and frozen yogurt. Girl, treat yoself! 

 

Post # 40
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee

anoynbee1234 :  Right now you’re thinking of fingering and oral as just foreplay. If you want to learn your body with your husband there. It needs to be the main attraction for a few sessions. As in no PIV sex. Just exploring your body with his fingers and mouth (and any toys). That way there are no distractions related to how he’s feeling. And the entire experience is catered to you. Right now your sex focuses on getting him off. You need a few times that focuses solely on you. Which means his penis stays tucked away and he learns every nook, cranny, and bump of your body.

If he gives you an orgasm, then you guys can continue to PIV sex. Or you can be done at that point. But if he can’t get you there, then you cuddle and try again next time. He needs to put your needs first which means learning how to give you an orgasm without expecting one in return. Which is what you’ve been doing for him.

Finally, most women can’t orgasm purely from penetration. If you guys are thinking of fingering and oral as purely foreplay and something to do to get warmed up for “real sex”, that might be why you’re not getting to where you want. Your body will (most likely) react best to what you’re doing during foreplay. But you guys are cutting that short to service his needs and his penis. The “foreplay” aspect of sex (if it’s what gets you off) needs to be as important and as focused as the penetration. Hence my suggesting of him not touching his penis or getting himself off at all until you have an orgasm. It’s time for him to stop being selfish.

Post # 41
Member
47 posts
Newbee

pbubs :  that isn’t very helpful when the OP has said multiple times that masturbation is not compatible with her religious beliefs. Please be respectful of that.

OP, you asked about how to stop the feeling fading. Try tensing your muscles tightly all over, let it build up getting as tense as you can. Then hopefully it will build up until it goes naturally then you relax.

Post # 43
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee

anoynbee1234 :  Similarly to Northbynorthwest’s comment, I find it easier to orgasm when my legs are closed/knees are together because it allows my glutes and pelvic muscles to tighten. So try letting your body be in whatever position works best for you, not just what looks “right”. A part of the orgasm is your muscles (particularly your vaginal muscles) tightening. Most of our muscles are connected in a way. Some muscles require ‘help’ from others to tighten. And some muscles can’t contract when specific other muscles are working. So if you’re staying too relaxed (as in forcing your muscles to not contract), you might be stopping the orgasm. Try letting your breathing feel relaxed (so, not nervous), but allow your body to do whatever it needs to do.

Also, it helps to vocalize what feels good. Often, men think that if you tell them that something feels good, they should do it harder or faster. But usually, once you find something that feels good it’s important to keep doing it the same way without changes in speed or pressure. So if you find your husband is changing it up when you want him to keep things constant, let him know after. He might legitimately not realize that he’s doing something you don’t want. Also, don’t be afraid to guide his hand (I’m not sure if you do this already). He can’t feel what you’re feeling, so he’s using your body language to dictate what to do. Sometimes body language can’t get the message accross completely. So placing his hand or verbally telling him what to do is helpful. And it won’t ruin the mood, so don’t worry about that.

Post # 44
Member
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

anoynbee1234 :  I second what another poster said, if you’re morally opposed to masturbating (which, by the way, religion or not, you owe to yourself to at least give it a shot. Because if you are claiming that you can’t masturbate due to religious reasons, then I’m confused on how it’s okay to be on birth control?), then your next several sexual encounters should be you and your partner focusing on you completely. I was a virgin when I met Darling Husband, but I had obviously masturbated prior to us getting together, so I had a pretty good idea about what was going to get me off. However, I will say that PIV, while nice and can feel very good, is not going to get me off. I need other stimulation. So, Darling Husband will either get me off prior (going down, using a vibrator, or a combination of both) or we will use a vibrator during sex. 9/10 I will climax first, during “my” foreplay and then we will move on to full on intercourse. 

I may be wrong, but you seem to be operating under the impression that you would be orgasming from PIV alone. It’s incredibly important for you to understand how rare that actually is. Most women, the majority of women, need clitoral stimulation in order to climax. If it’s too much for you to climax with your husband inside of you (which it is for me sometimes), then you need to have your climax prior to intercourse starting. Which is where lots of experimenting will come in where there is zero expectation from your husband. You both have to be on the same page that this will be about you and letting both of you get comfortable and understand what you like and dislike. 

Post # 45
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

Girl, the clitoris is gods gift to women. There is a reason it is where it is. Explore your body! 

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